Explosive child. I just don't know how to deal with this anymore.

[BroomstickBicycle]

DD (7) has always been explosive. The slightest thing and she's shouting, screaming, thrashing around. Triggers are anything where she has a plan in her mind that doesn't happen, being hungry, and being overwhelmed by choice. It also happens if she isn't getting what she wants (she's not great at sharing). We had a situation yesterday in a cafe where all 4 coincided which resulted in 15 minutes of her in tears to the point of hyperventilating, then full on thrashing out at me, hitting, trying to bite, threatening to run off when I said she would have to wait to decide on what she wanted while I paid for her friend.
I'm at my wits end. I've read the Explosive child and use the techniques of talking to her once she's calm but she won't listen, will change the subject or just have another outburst.
She's an only child and very needy - won't entertain herself (attention span of a knat) and hates being on her own in a room unless there is background noise. She's constantly pestering me to play. When I do she just wants more. It's like having a 3 year old, pretty intense.
I'm at my wits end. Any advice?

Hi DD is 11 and has always been explosive especially when (like your DD) she has a plan in her head for how things will happen. As an example last year we had to put the Christmas tree up in a different room and she couldn't cope with that.

For years I've been saying that she may have an autistic spectrum condition but because she can cope with eye contact, and is well behaved at school, I was told no and that she was anxious.

Recently I read a lot of how girls show autism and I took her to a private specialist who has worked with us and DD and has identified the specific things DD struggles with - change; understanding other people; rigidity of thought etc and is writing some strategies to help us (and school) manage things in a way that supports her.

I'm very grateful to my in laws for providing the money for us to go private! I'm not saying your DD is the same as mine but she sounds similar. If you PM me I'm happy to share the strategies once I have them

I’d get her assessed for autism also.

How is she at school?

I would make a GPs appointment and ask for your DD to be referred to the autism/adhd service.

Chrysanthemum5 I have two children disagreeing ASD and they both can use eye contact- using eye contact does not rule out ASD and is t part of the diagnostic criteria.

Do you really think it could be autism? I know boys and girls present differently. She would be fine with things like Christmas trees not being where she thinks they should be, it's more when she has a role play going on in her head (she has an amazing imagination) and her friends or me or the props don't do or don't want to do what she wants to happen.
Did you need school referral for your children's assessments?

She's generally fine at school. I know some of the girls aren't close friends with her because they say she's too bossy (there are quite a few headstrong girls in her class so they clash), but she's very sociable, chatty, and popular (not that autistic kids aren't but she's not someone that 'prefers her own company') and has a close group of friends.
Her report did comment 'once she's focused she does good work' for one of her subjects - DH has been recently diagnosed as ADHD so I'm on high alert for anything that might indicate ADHD, but there's not been enough to justify an assessment or for the school to be concerned.

@Hairyheadphones thanks - I keep saying eye contact isn't necessarily a sign but GP etc insist that because DD can look them in the eye she can't have an autistic spectrum condition - sigh I need to take her back to the GP

I would get her assessed as well. There are strategies that can help in some instances to defuse things before the meltdown phase is reached but sometimes there is nothing you can do and you just have to ride it our. Sometimes the overload in their mind is just too much.
My 13 yr old autistic child had a major meltdown yesterday at the zoo. It was a long one and lasted about 30 mins all told and for maximum humiliation it was next to a group of kids on an organised trip who were kept amused throughout their picnic .
It is hard to deal with and sometimes nothing works and it is just a case of letting him calm down in his own time.

hairyheadphones that isn't quite correct. Unusual eye contact is scored on the ADOS which is the most common diagnostic structured framework used. It is possible to get a diagnosis with typical eye contact, but it's inaccurate to say it isn't something that is examined and considered in making a diagnosis.

Ask for a referral to a paediatrician. My DD is the same and is awaiting an Ados test for autism, that was my first thought reading your post. I think she's having meltdowns rather than tantrums. If you look into some coping strategies for those they might help.

Her behaviour is telling you that she can't cope with whatever situation triggers it. She doesn't know how to express herself any differently.

The first paragraph of your first post and this should be enough for someone to see her reactions are different enough to warrant investigation.

it's more when she has a role play going on in her head (she has an amazing imagination) and her friends or me or the props don't do or don't want to do what she wants to happen
That would definitely be worth mentioning, rigid/inflexible thought patterns and unrealistic expectations causing overwhelm when things don't work out as she thought they would as she's lost control.

Girls often 'mask' meaning that as long as their academic progress is average and they don't cause major disruption at school, the staff say they are "fine" and aren't helpful when it comes to supporting a diagnosis.

Have a meeting with SENCO, but don't be surprised if they "see nothing" If they are actually on board, it's a bonus, but it's not impossible to have an assessment without their support.

Definitely ask for her to be assessed. Usually it's by a team of professionals Paed, Ed Psych, SLT and OT.

NHS waitlist is +/- 18 months to 2 years depending on the area you live in.

Ideally, a private assessment carried out by a team of professionals who also work part time for the NHS will be accepted by a Local Authority if you need to go down the route of applying for an EHCP. Some can put obstacles in the way if parents only have dx from solely private practitioners and request an NHS dx, thereby considerably delaying help for the child.
Ask on SNChat or SNChildren.

There are lots of myths about autism that even professionals perpetuate, so just ignore any references like she couldn't possibly be autistic because she can make eye contact, show empathy, we're all on the spectrum (no we most definitely are not) and anything else that doesn't form part of the diagnostic criteria. The misinformation about autism by people who should know better is staggering, as evidenced by Chrysanthemum5

For years I've been saying that she may have an autistic spectrum condition but because she can cope with eye contact, and is well behaved at school, I was told no and that she was anxious.

What you've been told is rubbish. Anxiety is part of autism in an autistic person, it's not a separate condition to their autism. Once you can find out what triggers the anxiety, you can start to provide interventions to pre-empt the behaviours that result from being overwhelmed.

There's a lot of info online about autistic presentation in girls, do investigate and if you think she has enough markers, ask for an assessment.

Another myth is if you pay for an assessment you'll automatically be given a diagnosis. It doesn't work like that. The assessments are recognised tests and your child will be scored and it depends on their scores as to whether they will receive a diagnosis or not.

@Abstractedobstructed

Eye contact is queried because a lot of autistic people struggle with it, but it is not an essential trait for an autistic person to be observed to struggle with it, therefore no-one can truthfully state 'can make eye contact so cannot be autistic'
When you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism.

Good explanation here theaspergian.com/2019/05/04/its-a-spectrum-doesnt-mean-what-you-think/

@BlankTimes
I know, worked 15 years in autism diagnosis.

Hairy said, "using eye contact does not rule out ASD and isn' t part of the diagnostic criteria."

As I said before, this isn't completely correct. It is considered as part of the diagnostic criteria; however it is a consideration as part of a full picture and reasonable eye contact doesn't automatically rule out autism.

Thank you everyone, that's very helpful. Yes they certainly know how to pick their moments. Maybe they sense the pressure.

What you say about anxiety makes perfect sense. She's afraid of the dark and won't sleep in her room. DH is all for the super nanny approach (shut her in and keep returning her to bed) but given her anxieties I don't think that's helpful and I'd rather try gradual retreat. She also has a hoarding tendency which I think is beyond normal.

Is it not likely to be ADHD then? She is constantly on the go, gets bored easily and trying to get her to focus on anything is impossible. She jumps a mile if you interrupt her when she's lost in thought, which I know is a symptom DH has.

I sometimes feel like I might be over reacting and looking for something that isn't there. Hard to know what's normal when other mums say "they all play up when they are at home"

My first thought was autism too.

My DS (8) is exactly the same and has just been assessed and we are awaiting the outcome.

I'm sorry to say though that we have waited almost 4 years for this assessment from first raising it as a possibility.

I'll try our SENCO but I know from other parents that they aren't particularly helpful. Apparently the school try to avoid any diagnosis because they may have to put additional support in place but don't get any funding to do so. Seems like a conflict in interest if that's the case - you need their support for a referral but the lack of funding removes any incentive to support a diagnosis.

Is it not likely to be ADHD then

It's best not to go through the assessment process with a definite "goal" of a particular diagnosis in mind. There are several co-morbid conditions with autism and all of the tests given in assessments can point to one or several.

It's possible for one person to have ASD and ADHD and SPD and several others, assessment does not always only identify one.

SPD is now included in the latest autism assessments. Have a look at this booklet, you may recognise some sensory traits she has too. If so, do mention them when you ask for referral.
www.falkirk.gov.uk/services/social-care/disabilities/docs/young-people/Making%20Sense%20of%20Sensory%20Behaviour.pdf?v=201507131117

What kind of things does she hoard?

SPD, is that sensory processing disorder? Il take a look, thank you.
Hoarding - anything of hers that I want to 'move on', or throw away if it's broken, including random bits of torn up paper or cardboard boxes she has drawn on. Her room is full of tat that she won't part with. I get that some of it means a lot to her but it's getting ridiculous. If we agree I'm going to sell something but I don't get it out of the house immediately she will see it and deny that she ever said I could sell it.

Have a look at PDA as well to see if any of the traits relate to your daughter.

Spend sometime writing down the concerns you have regarding your DD and then take them to the GP, I spend a few weeks doing this for DD and it really helped to strengthen the referral the GP made to the paeds.

This sounds very like my dd who is now mid teens. Her new school have identified some issues with her social skills, attention, anxiety, emotional reactions, behaviour etc. She's now seen an Ed Psych who has said that he sees indications of ADHD or/and ASD. We'll see what the next few months brings, and how much support/flexibility the school is prepared to facilitate.

I would look at ADHD as Explosive Temper Disorder (or something similar), is actually a condition your daughter may have and ADHD is one of the predispositions to this.