I can't forgive myself for having had postnatal depression

[changeofname0987]

Haven't ever admitted this. I'm tortured by the thoughts of how I was when I had PND after the birth of my second DD (two year age gap). Two things haunt me 1) when DD1 was being noisy one evening at bedtime after I'd just got DD1 to sleep. I shouted at her and dragged her along the landing by her arm . She was so scared of me. Luckily their dad was there at the time and calmed the situation. And 2) I'd stupidly thought I could manage without a double buggy or boogie board so one morning I was pushing the buggy to a baby/toddler group and DD1 was dawdling. She was actually being magical and marvelling at dandelions but I was rushing and wanted to just get to where we were going. I shouted at her again and pulled her along with me. How I wish I could have a magical, mindful walk with her now that she's older and into different things.

I can rationalise that I was ill, sleep deprived, had been practically abandoned by my husband at the time and I take responsibility for my actions but I just can't shed this guilt; I know I'll carry it for the rest of my life. And I torture myself that I've planted a seed that that kind of behaviour is acceptable or that she's not important. I don't know if she remembers.

Can anyone relate to this?

I totally understand this, and relate completely. X

If she was two, she won't remember. Those incidents will stay with you and make you a better mother now and in the years ahead. That's what will count.

The only other thing I'd say is that if you found out your own mother had had PND and done these things when you were two, I bet you'd forgive her in a split second. I know I would.

I completely understand how you feel. I struggle with the same guilt for how I was after DS1 was born until he was around 3. I’m starting to come to terms with it and seeking help to deal with those feelings.

Please forgive yourself. You were ill at the time and the incidents were soon resolved. Everyone has a few regrets, changeofname.

Thank you all. Sorry if you can relate but it makes me feel less isolated in my own thoughts. You're right @Daffodil2018 I'd forgive her in a heartbeat.