I’m failing

[foibles2011]

I’m sorry for this post but I didn’t know where else to go and have no one to talk to about it.

I’m seriously failing at being mum right now I have two gorgeous but very high energy kids DD 7 and DS 4. We moved back to the UK 2 years ago after living abroad for 10 years and since then it feels like my life has fallen apart. I’ve been diagnosed with an autoimmune condition UCTD which means I’m constantly exhausted and in pain and can’t do a lot of the things I used to and I’m sad to say does make me quite irritable. Because we live a long way from family I have no support at all and no breaks from the kids. I have met a few other mums as friendly faces, one who has become more of a friend and although I often look after her children for her, mine won’t go to her for play dates because they don’t like her youngest DD who is a little out of control! She is lovely and we get on but she is going through a divorce and needs my emotional support constantly and it isn’t reciprocated which leaves me feeling drained.

My husband works very long hours and is becoming fed up with me being “negative” all the time and when I have asked for a break and broken down in tears he gets angry and says everyone’s tired. Sometimes he can be amazing but he’s just frustrated with me.

Because I’m so tired and emotionally drained I find myself spending more and more time away from my kids just sat in othe rooms or the garden to get some head space - I should be with them having fun ☹️

We’ve just moved into a new house that needs renovating top to bottom and I think it was the final straw - it was just too overwhelming and I just broke down and cried for days and just can’t seem to pick myself up again.

I’ve been to my gp and was put on antidepressants and was referred but refused counselling twice for not being bad enough.

I just don’t know where to go from here - my kids deserve more but I feel like I’ve got nothing left to give.

Gosh this sounds like your having a tough time . It is absolutely fine to give yourself a break now and again - your encouraging independent play . Be kind to yourself, keep reaching out to DH or to your friend - give them explicit instructions on what you need eg. Could you take dc to the park for an hour this weekend so I can have a nap. Once kids are back at school and chaos from moving house has settled, you might feel more able to deal with other things. Remember the motto of parenting - this too shall pass!

Hugs OP I'm really struck by what an ENORMOUS life change you've been through - kids / autoimmune condition / relocating far away from your network of support / new house that needs renovating. Your DH needs to recognise this and support you - DO NOT take this all upon yourself. You must be an absolute rock to have kept going for your family.

Your home is your sanctuary and yours a) needs renovating and b) is wholly new. Just know that you're entirely justified to feel this way and that in itself, should loosen the feelings. Next step I say is to talk seriously to your DH about how you feel and how he can help (specific examples), and put some support measures in place for yourself. Keep talking to your GP, push for that counselling (overegg it if you must. Often it's not until you're in counselling that the real stuff comes out), and say no to your friend sometimes. It must be extremely draining. I saw a good post on Facebook the other day about self care not being a manicure or a massive slice of cake. Rather it's about things like saying no to demands placed upon you, giving yourself time away from screens or prioritising an early night. Also one thing that's stuck with me for years: treat yourself as you would a child. Healthy food, talking kindly to yourself, not chastising yourself for mistakes, take naps, baths etc.

If mama aint happy, no-one's happy as the saying goes. So put yourself first my lovely and build yourself back up

Thanks for your kind replies 😘 I will go back to gp once the kids go back to school and try again to get some counselling.

I have tried and tried talking to my husband and while he can be very supportive when things are good he can’t seem to be when things are bad - I’m not sure why he just gets angry and frustrated.

But I did say no to looking after my friends children for the third time this week so that’s something!

I really do appreciate you taking the time to reply sometimes it’s just nice to know there’s a friendly voice “out there” 😀

Xxx