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Original poster

Health visitor trying to push me to go to baby groups!

53 replies

BabEmama · 27/08/2019 19:54

I have recently given birth to my son (hes 11 weeks old). And since the health visitor took over, shes been trying to push me into attending the children centre. To the point of getting me a family support practitioner, and booking me in for classes, that I didn't ask to be put in. Its really the only thing she talks about when she visits and the pressure is really starting to give me anxiety. I'm already starting to loose hair?? Which I'm putting down to stress, but this defo isn't helping. I've even spoken to my GP about it who says I don't have to attend. I never went when I had my daughter and she turned out just fine. I just don't like people. And I feel like I'm being forced into a situation I don't want to be in, just so the children centre can get their numbers up. I already have mummy friends and 11 week old babies aren't really interested in other babies. Well mine isn't at least. Had anyone else had this problem? I just want the health visitor to concentrate on the baby and drop the subject.

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Original poster

BabEmama · 28/08/2019 11:35

It's so nice to hear a health visitor say that. I just thought because they're all based at the children centre, they were all adamant that that's the only way to go. It's also good to hear that it's not going to do any harm to baby. I already knew this but some reassurance has really made me feel better. I live in Ipswich by the way. I suppose I just feel talked into a corner at these appointments.

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 28/08/2019 11:38

She visits every 4 weeks and the baby is 11 weeks old. So twice?

Smile and wave. Smile and wave.

Pinkblueberry · 28/08/2019 11:38

No, I never had this problem - they visited once and that was it. I didn’t even bother taking DC to weigh ins, I just weighed him at home, then had the 11 month check. Both of the HV were really nice and easy going - I know I could always contact them if I need them, but I never really did. Your HV sounds a bit pushy and annoying - why is she still coming around?

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Pinkblueberry · 28/08/2019 11:40

I did go to baby groups with DC and really enjoyed it, but there’s definitely nothing wrong with not wanting to. It’s not essential and I think in the early days it probably benefitted me a lot more than DS - he slept through most of the sessions

BertrandRussell · 28/08/2019 11:42

But I do think people should be really careful about advising posters to ignore HV advice or not to go to appointments. We only get one side of the story on here. And many women are isolated or a bit depressed or cause concern for any number of reasons. Not saying that applies to the OP but being so stressed by 2 visits in 11 weeks does suggest some anxiety.

Pinkblueberry · 28/08/2019 11:44

The health visitor has been visiting every 4 weeks!! And then shes coming again because of head lag???

Sorry just read this. These visits aren’t compulsory - and I think having that many visits for no good reason is very intrusive and not quite right. I would refuse her at this point, especially if she’s causing you stress.

yoursworried · 28/08/2019 11:45

You don't have to go, but from her point of view it's good if new mums get out. It's good for your own mental health and allows you to potentially access a network.

I was reluctant like you, but went to the children's centre group in the end. I was glad I did - I still have friends from it 7 years later and it made me realise that I actually was a bit anxious and felt better once I had got out. It's worth a try- you don't have to keep going if you don't get anything from it but you won't know if you don't go.

SinkGirl · 28/08/2019 11:46

Sounds like they’ve identified a potential issue which they are monitoring? I had very poorly twins, and had frequent HV visits to monitor growth, head size, weight etc.

Children’s centre groups were so helpful for us - when they started having developmental problems they got us lots of support in place. I also made a couple of lovely mum friends - I have others, but it’s always good to make new friends.

You don’t have to go, and you don’t have to see the HV but it sounds like they’re coming for a reason.

BertrandRussell · 28/08/2019 11:48

The baby is 11 weeks old.
The HV is visiting every 4 weeks.

So twice.

RiddleMeThis2018 · 28/08/2019 11:48

Thing is, you might not want to go to baby groups, but if you did, you’d know that the hair loss you’re so worried about is normal! This is exactly what the groups are for, when your baby is tiny. You’d go along, chat to some people whose babies were the same age as yours, and one day you’d say “Hey, my hair is falling out. I’m quite worried about it.” And they’d say “oh yeah, mine’s falling out in great clumps too. It’s something to do with post-pregnancy.” Just something to think about...

MamaFlintstone · 28/08/2019 11:52

Hair loss after pregnancy is perfectly normal and happens to virtually every new mum. I barely saw my HV even though I probably could have used some help. Just tell her that you’re going to plenty of things off your own back and don’t go to the children’s centre ones (all the ones anywhere near me had shut so maybe they’re trying to keep usage up to stop it being closed down). Doesn’t need to be something to stress about.

catgee · 28/08/2019 11:58

Just to reassure you on the hairloss - when you are pregnant, the hormones can cause you to retain hair that would normally fall out through its natural lifecycle (that's why some people report having extra thick glossy manes in later pregnancy). Once the hormones start to reduce post birth, all that extra hair falls out so you can lose several months worth or growth in just a few days/weeks. I was almost bald at my temples and it came out in handfuls every time I washed it. It's weird but totally normal and will grow back overtime.

fandabbyfannyflutters · 28/08/2019 12:22

I was trained by an old school hv who was all for attending baby groups. At one visit she caused the new mums partner to get very mentally distressed by suggesting attending baby groups as he had all sorts of paranoia about people in the local area. She was a nob

BertrandRussell · 28/08/2019 12:40

Sounds like that needed more intervention rather than less....

MamaFlintstone · 28/08/2019 12:48

At one visit she caused the new mums partner to get very mentally distressed by suggesting attending baby groups as he had all sorts of paranoia about people in the local area. She was a nob

You mean she was a nob because of this incident or for other reasons? Because that is a bizarre and unusual response to the suggestion so doesn’t seem like she was at fault here

WrongKindOfFace · 28/08/2019 12:56

I suspect there are things the op isn’t telling us. Given how thinly spread resources are women don’t get a family support practitioner for no reason.

vinevoice · 28/08/2019 12:56

I had this from my health visitor as I'm autistic, and she had put me under more frequent monitoring so I had regular home visits and for an extended period. She was pushing to put me in touch with the local family support practitioner as well. I wasn't keen on the idea of going to the local children's centre as I would have just felt scrutinised the whole time, and I knew the staff would be observing me and feeding back the information, which felt really intrusive. But I did like the idea of taking DD to groups - so I made a point of trying out local private baby classes, like Gymboree and Hartbeeps. For me, they were more focused on activities between me and the baby rather than me chatting to other mums, and it was refreshing to start with a 'clean slate' and knowing the staff there had no prejudiced ideas about my background. DD loves her classes - I've done sensory classes, messy play, swimming, signing and music classes as well now. I suppose you could get the pressure off from your HV by telling her that you've attended private classes like that - they won't be feeding back the information on your attendance like the children's centre would. Although if you live in a small village type area she might know the teachers? (I live in London and travel out of the area for classes, so my HV would have no idea whether I was really attending or not).

Buyitinbamboo · 28/08/2019 13:42

In my area the health visitor comes out at about 3 days and then 6 weeks and that's it. You take baby to childrens centre once a month to be weighed until they are 6 months then you go to the childrens centre for 1 year check etc. I get it varies from area to area but that does seem like a lot of visits!

Drogosnextwife · 28/08/2019 13:47

My health visitor didn't push anything like that, but like you I don't like making small talk with strangers, it bores me rigid and makes me feel a bit awkward. I find these baby groups very cliquey anyway. Go and do things you enjoy doing. Perhaps she just thinks it would be good for you to get out more. Being stuck in the house can be very stressful.

BertrandRussell · 28/08/2019 13:52

I wish people could say they don’t like baby groups without being unpleasant about them or the many people that do.

Kuponut · 28/08/2019 14:05

Mine invited me to go down to baby clinic "for a hug" at one point! She was a nice lady - but I seriously was not in "need a hug" territory.

I used to use our local children's centre but the scrutinising every interaction with your child and the reporting back to HVs (to the point they made a huge thing of a private chat that they "had to report my disclosure back to the HV" - my disclosure had been "yeah it's a bit crap at the moment with the allergy situation, I've just been discussing it with the HV this morning and she's trying to resolve it" - so they actually rang the HV to tell them I'd told them I'd told the HV the GP was being a twat basically) and the dramatic wanting you to "sign a pledge that you won't leave a chainsaw beside your child" shite that I really could not face some of it sometimes... especially when then the childrens centre staff were frantically referring parents over to me to help with questions regarding things like phonics and foundation stage at school!

Went to the local church hall one a few times which was much less preachy and more laid back - but not really my scene. I used to find enough to do to get the kids out and about without doing some kind of baby group circuit.

Celebelly · 28/08/2019 16:02

God yes, hair loss totally normal. Mine started coming out in clumps at about 4mo PP and has finally slowed down now at 6mo.

Baby classes keep me sane as I need to be out and doing stuff every day, but in those early days and weeks they are definitely more for you than baby. Perhaps she is worried you are lonely and isolated? But you might just need to be firm and say you're not interested at the moment.

Original poster

BabEmama · 28/08/2019 16:22

Yes. Health visitor came twice and then came again because of head lag which is now fine. Luckily all went well today and theres no more appointments till he's 11 months. And the family support practitioner was purely to get me to go to the children centre. Because I was so adamant I didn't want to go, they decided I was unconfident and needed help with getting me out??!!! Even though I told them I have friends and go out??? Granted I spend a lot of time with my mum but she's my best friend. So yea I've had the health visitor 3 times now and this other woman twice. Which is where the pressure came from. Had it of been just the 2 appointments with the HV I'd of been fine. I had none of this with my daughter. Lady came once and that was it. And there's been no issues since. Other than the odd detention. My daughter that is, not me lol. But hopefully now that's it for all appointments. I'm sick of having strangers in my house tbh. I'm not obligated to see the support practitioner so I think I'm going to politely decline any more visits.

OP posts:

Original poster

BabEmama · 28/08/2019 17:00

Apparently it's now standard for the HV in my area to come twice after baby is born. The third visit was an extra to make sure head lag was gone

OP posts:

Sashkin · 28/08/2019 17:14

I went to every baby group going and the HV still pressurised me to go to the local Children’s Centre Stay&Plays. And pushed Vit D supplements into us even though I’d told her we were already taking it. I think they have a set script and don’t like to deviate from it. Don’t let it worry you.

And the hair loss is totally normal, I used to have to shower after baths to rinse off all the hair stuck to my body at one stage. Grim. There were literally handfuls of hair floating in the bath like a kelp forest. It lasted about three months.

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