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Parenting

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Original poster

Feeling like a fraud as a mum

13 replies

PastaFasool · 27/08/2019 10:59

So recently I have been feeling like I am an incompetent mother to my 6mo baby.

I'm a first time mum, currently on maternity leave. My husband was made redundant a few years ago, and was out of work for a couple of years before retraining. So I was the sole breadwinner for a couple of years, and the main earner once he retrained.

My situation is this: my husband now works about 15-20 hours a week from home. This means he spends a lot of time looking after our baby with me, and will probably be a SAHD a couple of days a week once I go back to work.

It's wonderful in some ways... But I feel like I have it too easy compared to other mums who don't have husbands at home during the days. I listen to other mums managing all day every day on their own, and my life isn't like that. Having so much help with the childcare makes me feel like I am somehow cheating. I feel like I have it too easy, and it makes me feel incompetent.

Our little boy is healthy, happy, sleeping okay and doing well developmentally. He laughs a lot and seems like a cheerful and chilled little soul, so I don't worry that he's not thriving.

I just feel like an imposter as a mum because I get so much help from my husband.

Anyone else ever feel like they are faking it as a mum?

OP posts:

Chickenish · 27/08/2019 11:15

Gosh. What is going on for you does not make you a fraud as a mum. Lucky, yes, but a fraud, no. We all have our own situations. Even when you go back to work, you will still be 100% a mum. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Dec2019mumtobe · 27/08/2019 11:15

I'm going to be a first time mum in December, and I have a sort of similar set up. I don't feel like a cheat though, just very lucky. (Though ask me next year if I still feel the same!)

Part of my income is very passive, i earn fees off something I did years ago. So I only work part time from home anyway.

DH is a lecturer at a university. His job is super flexible, he can work his own hours if he needs to (eg finish his marking on a weekend), work from home some days, leave early and finish at home often, and coincidentally he will be spending most of Jan-Sept 2020 working at home on research leave anyway.

So, the plan is to both share childcare as much as possible around our work/sleep. I will definitely have it easier than most whose husbands will be going back after two weeks. Or my SIL for example, who had to go back herself at 6m when her paid maternity leave ended.

Having it easy won't make us an imposter or a fake! It's just very fortunate x

Passthecherrycoke · 27/08/2019 11:17

It’s not hard looking after 1 6 month old. You’re not missing out on anything. Just lucky that your child is able to bond with daddy as much as mummy at this early stage

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Jennyz123 · 27/08/2019 12:07

Hi Pasta, I really relate to your post. It's a hard one to talk about as well isn't it as having too much 'help' seems like a first world problem! I took shared parental leave with my husband and now we have both gone back part time- it's a fantastic arrangement for us and our daughter. But it is hard not to have a sense of guilt somehow, especially on the inevitable occasions when parenting is harder than others (teething, illness etc.), I suppose because for me I don't feel 'entitled' to be finding it difficult when I have so much support compared to some! I think a large part of it for me is looking at my overall self esteem and why I feel like less of a mother than some, and also considering societal influences- would your partner feel like a bad father if he worked in an office full time? If not, why is it any different for you as a mother to not be parenting solo every day? There are other societies where it is expected that men will play a significant role in caring for their children, and I'm sure their partners are not all bad mums or somehow 'lesser than.' I think it's really important to think of it as both of you parenting your child, rather than YOU 'having help.' It is not a bad thing for both of you to take an active part in caring for your child and could even potentially have some advantages, e.g. both of you feeling less exhausted and able to spend high quality time when you are caring. Those are the things I think when I'm struggling, hope it helps!

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 27/08/2019 12:59

everyone is different OP. My DH is self employed and was able to be home during the day between his work- but then equally mothers i know whose husbands were in an office 9-6 had the grandparents around (my parents have both passed away).
Its not a race to the bottom to see who has it hardest.

Original poster

PastaFasool · 27/08/2019 17:41

Thank you for the kind replies. Reading back my poet, it seems almost like some cringe-y humblebrag, but I am really grateful that people understood it's about feeling like you're not doing something "properly" because you have it easier than some. Thank you for the kind words, I feel a bit less like a fraud.

@Jennyz123 I totally know what you mean as well about feeling like you can't admit when it's a bad day because you get more "help" than others. I had a few meltdowns because I felt bad asking my husband for specific help when he does more than many dads are able to do... But you're all right, he's not "helping", we're sharing childcare like we share earning money.

Thanks all, I appreciate the kindness.

OP posts:

Dec2019mumtobe · 27/08/2019 18:09

Also OP if you're not feeling any better or start to feel worse, talk to a GP, midwife or health visitor. You might have a bit of PPD x

Jennyz123 · 27/08/2019 18:41

Aw yep been there many times with the meltdowns and know exactly what you mean about worrying about referring to your situation coming across as a humble brag, I ALWAYS worry about that! I try and analyse my feelings about this a lot as I worry about being a bad mum for lots of reasons, probably connected to my relationship with my own mum - but ultimately I think it comes down to parenting being hard work, whether you are a full time mum, work part time or full time, have a hands on partner or not- it's just an incredibly intense experience and every way of tackling it will bring its own set of challenges. You are not a worse mum because you are sharing care with your partner, any more than you would be 'better' as a single mother with no help. The amount of support you have has nothing to do with how good a mother you are - there are loads of great mums who have lots of support and loads of great mums who don't, and vice versa. We've just got to be grateful to feel well supported and try to be the best mums we can, that's it I think!!

Original poster

PastaFasool · 01/09/2019 16:11

Thanks @Dec2019mumtobe - I did suffer quite badly with anxiety in the first trimester, and was put on an extended mental health plan during and after pregnancy (basically, midwives and HV just kept an extra close eye on my mental health). It could be some of that anxiety coming back into my brain, which does suck but there is potentially support for that.

OP posts:

SummerHouse · 01/09/2019 16:19

Everyone adapts to circumstances. And you are doing brilliantly. I remember my DP going back after two weeks paternity and thinking i can't do this alone.

To be honest once I got used to it, it was sort of easier. In the same way that having two children has been easier for me than having one. It's not always clear cut.

You have a happy, healthy baby. Parenting high five to you. You really need to be congratulating yourself not feeling like a cheat.

thisisthetime · 01/09/2019 16:24

I have a very similar situation. Except my dc are 6 and 3 and we’ve had this situation for about 3 years now. I feel incredibly lucky to have my dh around so much (he runs his own business which is very successful and it generally runs itself). I do work now but only part time. My dc have a wonderful relationship with my dh which I am also thankful for.

As far as I see it, things could change tomorrow, I’m not going to waste my days now feeling guilty. It is what it is and I think you need to embrace it and enjoy it.

Also, a lot of my friends have a lot of support from their extended family which we don’t have. I’m sure there are ways in your situation as well in which things balance out. And even if it doesn’t, please enjoy your baby and don’t spend time feeling like a cheat. You are most certainly not and your baby won’t think so either!

SummerHouse · 01/09/2019 16:37

Perfect post @thisisthetime

OP listen to this wisdom!

Nicecupofcoco · 01/09/2019 16:45

Hi op! Your not a fraud of a mum at all! Your very lucky that you dh is around but certainly doesn't mean that you couldn't cope on your own!
I must admit I much prefer it when my dh is home to help with our lo but I must admit I do tend to sit back more when we are both there. During the week when it's just me and lo I'm very hands on, and seem to manage well! Basically what I'm trying to say is, you will manage alone when you have to manage alone. Your not a fraud I bet your a fantastic mum! enjoy having dh at home with you, and also a daddy that sounds hands on!

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