Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Who should transport child

23 replies

JonesyK · 26/08/2019 20:06

So my dd father thinks I should be fair and drop her off to him and him & his wife bring her home. I only started taking her because they were unreliable with picking her up. A few things have occurred over the last week or so I’ve said I’m not doing it anymore. It’s his responsibility to pick her up. He’s now texting DD to say he can’t see her because I won’t drop her off. He pays no maintenance for her or anything towards her schooling etc

OP posts:
Bunnybigears · 26/08/2019 20:08

Does your DD want to see him? If she does I would facilitate for her benefit and so she has nothing to throw back at you later on. As for maintenance why doesnt he pay?

Original poster
JonesyK · 26/08/2019 20:33

Yes she does. I've been driving her to him for a little while. He got married last week without inviting her. Then he posted on FB saying he did which wasn't true. He's crashed a car with her in it whilst banned from driving and been all over the police FB page as wanted. I'm sick of him tbh and don't think I should do him any more favours. All he does is bitch about me to her which I read on her phone because I check it every day

OP posts:
Original poster
JonesyK · 26/08/2019 20:34

He hasn't paid ever and she's 7 because he won't work. He does odd jobs on top of his benefits but obviously doesn't declare these

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
Bouledeneige · 26/08/2019 20:37

I would separate out the two issues - paying maintenance and dropping off. He should of course be contributing to the cost of bringing up his child.

However, I would think its fair enough to share drop off and pick up. Your DD still deserves a good relationship with her father. She will work out wht kind of Dad he's been soon enough.

Original poster
JonesyK · 27/08/2019 06:32

I don't have an issue with him not paying I don't ask him for anything and don't expect it
The issue I have is that despite not contributing anything he expects me to do the trip. It's around 10 minutes away.
He says it's not fair for him to do both ways even though I finance everything for her. I only work part time and I expect between his wife's job and his high level of benefit payment they have more income
Is it usual that the mum drops the child off? I didn't think so. Xx

OP posts:
saraclara · 27/08/2019 06:51

If he's banned from driving, how can he pick her up?

Kungfupanda67 · 27/08/2019 06:57

It’s a 10 minute drive - does it really impact your life that much?

I agree with you in principle, he sounds like a complete dick. But if your daughter wants to see him and he’s unreliable with picking her up, then I’d rather a 10 minute drive once a week than waiting for him to turn up and dealing with a disappointed 7 year old.

Side note - why does she have a phone? My son’s nearly 7 and no one would be able to text him anything horrible about me because he hasn’t got and doesn’t need access to text messages

RoseMartha · 27/08/2019 07:02

Given his history on driving I would want to drive her myself. A ten minute drive is not far.

I have to drop and collect my kids from their dads which is a 20 min drive each way. He could technically do a drop or pick up but would cause issues as needs to use public transport.

ImogenTubbs · 27/08/2019 07:03

This sounds like one of those situations where being asked to do a 20 minute round trip isn't really what's upsetting you. He's been winding you up with lots of small things (and perhaps not so small) for a long time and this is something tangible you can get vocal about, but that will likely be seen by him as petty. Is this really the best thing for you to focus your frustrations on, or is there another way you can draw some boundaries with him, so you feel you are getting more respect? It doesn't seem fair to deny your daughter the chance to see her father over a relatively short drive like this.

Kiki92 · 27/08/2019 07:53

You need to separate your relationship with your ex from your daughter's relationship with him.

Don't get me wrong, he sounds like an absolute cockwomble, but your daughter will resent you later on if you don't at least try to facilitate their relationship by making the drive. She'll realise soon enough on her the type of person he is.

I understand that this isn't easy.. I'm in a similar situation and I'm expected to do an hour round trip for my DS to see his dad. He doesn't pay either, and inwardly it makes me cross that I'm out of pocket for the journey. I bite my tongue, slap on a smile, and do it though. Negative relationships between parents, (split or together), can really mess a child up in the long term.

SmartPlay · 27/08/2019 13:19

You need to change your point of view. If you are driving her, you do it for your daughter, not your ex! If you refuse to drive her, your daughter is the one who feels shit, because she can't see her dad.

You have every right to be mad and angry and frustrated and .... because of his shit behaviour and attitude, but don't let your daughter suffer because of it, if it can be prevented!

Original poster
JonesyK · 27/08/2019 15:11

If I refuse he could just pick her up. There's nothing actually stopping him it's just he can't be arsed.

He's always had this entitled self pitying attitude and thinks that people should do things for him

I've put up with his shit for 8 years but after he broke her heart last week I'm absolutely done with him

My dd will go weeks not wanting to see him then she'll go up one weekend then refuse because of the constant shouting between her dad and his wife. His other kids won't go there at all so my dd has her phone to keep in touch with her half siblings

I don't know any other mums who drive their kids to a perfectly capable parent.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 27/08/2019 15:15

10 minutes? Your just being petty.

Each parent doing one trip is the most sensible when so close.

Original poster
JonesyK · 27/08/2019 20:21

I think calling me petty is harsh.
Why am I petty when he refuses to pick her up for no real reason?

This man lets her down time and time again and doesn't contact her unless she rings him
He can go weeks with no contact

Why is this my responsibility ?

OP posts:
JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 27/08/2019 20:25

Urgh. What a loser he is. I certainly wouldn’t be going out of my way to have her spending time with him. If he wants to see her he’ll come and get her.

Byorderofthepeakyblinders · 27/08/2019 20:29

If he crashed a car with my DD in it and it was his fault, then I'd be offering to do the drop off and pick up to be honest.

He sounds like a knob, I totally understand your frustration, but I would do it for your daughter

firesong · 27/08/2019 20:45

I don't think you're being petty. If he's not a safe driver, I wouldn't want him to drive her though.

Ok, and in answer to your question: for a few years after the breakup, my ex and I did a journey each (about 15 mins each way). This continued after my second child arrived, until I asked him if he could do all of the driving as I was waking my sleeping baby to do it. He got pissed off about it, but did it. He still sometimes gets annoyed if he asks last minute for me to help out and pick her up (I generally say yes if I am able to do) and I say no because I'm cooking the toddler's dinner and can't just go out.

lovemenorca · 27/08/2019 20:50

I’m baffled you want to facilitate any kind of relationship given his behaviour

Original poster
JonesyK · 27/08/2019 21:59

Trust me I'd prefer she didn't see him. I could list the shit that's gone on for years and be here all day

He is banned from driving (another long story ) he and his wife own a car so she drives it

He's a complete an utter arse Smile

I've put up with his bullying intimidating behaviour for years. My own husband has made me stronger now i won't deal with his nonsense anymore

Also got the strength to end 2 toxic friendships but that's another story

OP posts:
ImogenTubbs · 28/08/2019 06:36

OP - I don't think you're being petty - I meant that you're putting all the frustration of all the multiple things he does to wind you up into this one, relatively minor thing. You're not being unreasonable at all, but it's clearly just a small part of a bigger issue. He may see it as you being petty because you've focused on this one issue.

lovemenorca · 28/08/2019 06:55

So if you’d prefer she didn’t see him

And seeing him is dependent on you doing lifts

Then i can’t see what the problem is

He sounds toxic

Thatnovembernight · 28/08/2019 06:59

I often drop my kids to their Dad though mostly he collects them. If I’ve been out around the time they are due back then I’ll offer to collect as well. It’s never seemed a big deal to me one way or another though it is only a very short drive.

That said, your ex sounds a disgrace as a father and I’m not surprised you’re sick of his behaviour.

SlightlySleepy · 28/08/2019 13:23

I would be taking that phone away, not as a punishment, but to protect her. No child needs to hear their dad bad mouth their mum. You can't prevent it face to face but she doesn't need it sent to her when she's safe at home. I don't know any 7 year olds with a phone. If relatives need to contact her, they can do it in the normal way - through the parents.

I also wouldn't be facilitating contact, not to be petty but because her dad is rubbish. Why would you want to send your child to an environment like that? Providing sperm doesn't give an adult the right to mess with the mental health of a child. It sounds toxic there. You don't have to actively prevent her seeing him, but you can at least stop facilitating this nonsense.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread