Severe mental health

[Mumanon72]

I have quite severe mental health problems - particularly depression and anxiety.
I haven’t found counselling helpful - or the right counsellor. I don’t like medication and have no support network but the few friends I do have say to let them know if I need help or somebody to talk to and when I go to them they are too busy and have an attitude that you can just shake mental health problems off and I feel like a burden.
I have 2 young children and I am a single mum and I feel like they don’t get the quality of life they deserve with me, but if I was to give them up they would go to their Dads and I just believe their life’s would be no better, if not worst because their dad has mental health problems, is inconsistent, unloving, harsh, emotionally and psychologically abusive.
I feel such a heavy burden in caring for my children and meeting their emotional needs when I can’t even manage and meet my own.
I really want to be a good mum to them and give them a better life than I did as I was emotionally abused and my self esteem was shattered by my mum, i watched my mum do drugs, getting drunk, being in abusive relationships and one night stands and I just want to break that cycle but I am so mentally physically and emotionally drained I don’t know what to do. I cry every day because I feel so helpless. It’s hard to make friends and relate to others living in a really middle class area with parents who have had nice upbringings, 100k salaries and are married and those who aren’t are in the cycle of poverty, drink, drugs etc, feeling sorry for themselves, no ambition that I wish to stay away from them as I don’t want to be brought back down and worked hard to get myself out of that mess and get a undergraduate degree and be half way through my masters degree.
Life is so lonely and I feel so burdened.
I am holding on to the last bit of hope I have :(

I'm so sorry you feel this way OP. It's a very difficult and lonely position to be in. You are very insightful to your issues and seem to accept they aren't healthy. I can understand not wanting to take medication (I've been there myself) but it sounds like maybe you should consider it again. Even until you manage to feel a bit better and then consider different options with a more level head? Would you give that a try? Take back a little more control?

OP I really feel for you. I'm sure you're a much better mum than you realise. You must be the world to your children. Children don't need lots of expensive fancy things, they just need a secure attachment to a parent who cares and you obviously care a great deal.
Do you work? How old are your kids? Do you have any children's centres or library groups near where you live? That can be a great way to meet other parents who are on a more modest income, in my experience! (Like me!).
Parenting with mental health issues is even harder than without so you must be very strong (I suffer with depression/anxiety/PND connected to birth trauma and I know how hard it is to stay focused, calm and present).

Please do speak to your GP as well about treatment options including medication, because there are a lot of alternatives and you need to be as strong as you can be to be a mum of two.

I’m not sure why you say you don’t like medication. I’m on it. For asthma. Or I could die. For depression. Or I may not have a life worth living. Sometimes it’s necessary.

Thank you. I am a masters student and gave up my job when I went on maternity leave so I can focus on the children and my masters degree. My oldest is 6 and my youngest is 2 months. We have libraries and children’s centres but it literally is the snobby mums there from what I remember with my oldest.
And that’s the problem...I don’t have a strong attachment, especially with my oldest. I never have. I definitely have bonded with my youngest and adore her. I feel like I’ve already messed up my son and it’s too late and I have a better chance with her from past experience and maturity.
I am seeing my doctor tomorrow for a well being talk so I will talk to him about this.

Do talk about it. There are lots of things to consider. I did CBT along with the pills. There are lots of different options. The important thing is that it doesn’t always have to be like this. Good luck with the doctor tomorrow.