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Original poster

MIL wants to babysit

14 replies

RainbowUnicorn1 · 26/08/2019 16:23

MIL keeps asking to babysit DS, he is 5 months old. She isn't in the best of health and DS can be a handful. She has COPD and suffers back spasms to the point where she claim she isn't fit enough to go a 5 minute walk to the shops. DS isn't a great sleeper and become fussy and unsettled on regular basis due to being overtired. He doesn't settle unless he is being held, I spend most of my day walking about with him and with her breathing difficulties and bad back I don't think she'd cope. I have tried letting MIL spend time with DS while I'm there so he gets used to her but after 5-10 minutes of him fussing she hands him back to me. I'm not comfortable leaving DS until I know MIL changed him, wind him, change his nappy, and settle him. DH is of the opinion I should just let MIL have DS on her own and if she can't cope I should go and collect him but I'd rather know he's in capable hands before I leave. This has caused a few arguments between me and DH, am I being unreasonable, should I just do what DH is suggesting?

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purpleboy · 26/08/2019 16:27

Ultimately it's your decision if you feel comfortable or not. Could you start by leaving him for 30 mins or an hour and then progress up to something longer?
Is she aware of her own limitations or is she just wanting to spend time with him regardless of the effect to her?

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 26/08/2019 16:28

Good grief no. Let her come to your house and look after him for a couple of hours while you “have a sleep” in your room. See how she does.

frazzledasarock · 26/08/2019 16:28

your DS is five months old. It’s not like he can fend for himself, what if MIL’s back spasms whilst she’s holding DS?

Any number of truly awful things could happen to your baby whilst under the care of MIL, who’s clearly not well enough to care for a baby.

Your husband sounds like an idiot. What is his solution if his child is injured due to his mother’s inability to care for his baby?

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Topseyt · 26/08/2019 16:29

I think you are right, to be honest. My Dad has COPD, plus other things. It has contributed to him becoming much less mobile in recent months.

I think she would find it hard to cope and would worry about leaving a very young child with her. Not because she would mean any harm, but because she probably isn't fit enough to manage well.

Newmumma83 · 26/08/2019 16:29

I don’t think your being unreasonable at all, it’s most likely been a long time since she had a baby to.
Next time he needs a nappy change get her to do it ... perhaps leave him to
Nip to the shops And be gone just 30 mins .. and slowly build up the time ... to
Build up both yours confidence ... it’s a compromise and 30 mins is not a crazy amount of time ... technically she is baby sitting but not for long periods to
Start x

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 26/08/2019 16:30

Also, he’s 5 months old. She could be the most competent babysitter in the world and there’s still no requirement for you to leave him with her, or anyone, if you don’t want to. You can visit her and she can visit you, and see plenty of him and build a lovely relationship with him, without ever needing to “have him to herself” without you there.

Topseyt · 26/08/2019 16:30

Is she in denial about how badly her health conditions affect her?

Pinkblueberry · 26/08/2019 16:32

I have tried letting MIL spend time with DS while I'm there so he gets used to her but after 5-10 minutes of him fussing she hands him back to me.

Then it’s crazy to want to babysit. Have you said this to her? Not unkindly, but I think it’s fair to be realistic and say, ‘if you can’t confortably look after him for 10 minutes, how do your expect to manage a whole evening?’

Drum2018 · 26/08/2019 16:35

Do you ever have cause to get a babysitter? If not then she's simply not required. She needs to respect your decision and be happy to spend time with Ds while you or Dh are there too. I don't understand this need to have alone time with gc. It's not as if it's benefitting you, as you'll only be stressed wondering if all is ok. Can you just say we don't need a babysitter while Ds is still so young.

IDontDrinkTea · 26/08/2019 16:41

There is no way I’d be letting that happen you’re dh needs his head wobbling

codenameduchess · 26/08/2019 16:45

You're right, I wouldn't leave a baby with anyone with those conditions. Visits and the odd 'can you watch him for a few minutes while I put a wash on/tidy/do dishes/pop to the shop' if you want to give her 1:1 time, you can control when it is (eg so he's settled or asleep, freshly changed and not due a feed).

My grandmother has been desperate to look after my DD since she was a baby, but grandmother has many, many health problems that mean she can't move very quickly, bend, pick up anything heavier than a few lbs, get down on the floor (or back up again), react very fast... generally not capable of looking after a child- she couldn't have picked DD up from the floor for example. So I just had to deflect or distract and visit as often as we could.

DD is 4 now and can do a lot for herself so in the last few months either me or my mum (who looks after DD regularly) have dropped her at my grandmothers house for an hour or so and left them. After an hour my gran is exhausted but still hints at wanting to have overnights, I'm definitely not allowing that so have just had to deflect it again, I think even my gran knows deep down at her age (85) and with her health it's not practical.

Grambler · 26/08/2019 16:58

Is she asking because she knows you're going to say no, so it's a safe ask? You know she's not up to it, she's not managed it with you there - is it less of an ask and more of a wistful "if only I could"

Original poster

RainbowUnicorn1 · 26/08/2019 17:48

She has walked to our house once to see DS, took her about 15 minutes, said it was too much for her and hasn't been back. I'm scared she falls while holding him or she drops him. She also doesn't have a bouncer or anything for him to sit in, she doesn't work and struggles financially so we would need to provide one. DH rarely visits her so them having any sort of relationship relies on me taking DS to her house. It's start to feel like I'm the only one who makes an effort and it's not like I don't have anything else to do. I probably don't visit as often as she would like and that's why she's asking to babysit but I really have no need for DS to be looked after so really don't want to risk leaving him there. I have said to MIL I don't think she'll cope but it falls on deaf ears and she continues to ask.

OP posts:

Newmumma83 · 26/08/2019 19:18

It’s not just down to you to visit. I literally spend Monday to Friday visiting my parents , my grand parents , my nan , baby clubs and sometimes my parents in law or my husbands nan but he will
Make sure he pencils time in at the weekend if I haven’t it simply isn’t expected of me x

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