MIL want to babysit

[Evaroseh]

MIL keep asking to babysit DS, he is 5 months old and quite a handful. She has COPD and suffers from back spasms to the point where she rarely leaves the house on her. She says she isn't fit enough to go a 5 minute walk to the shops so I'm not convinced she is capable of babysitting. DS is unsettled and quiet fussy on a daily basis, and he is heavy. He tends not to settle unless he is being held, I spend most of my day walking about the living room with him. With her breathing difficulties and bad back I don't think she'd cope with him. I have tried getting MIL to spend time with DS while I am there so he gets used to her but after a few minutes of him fussing she gives up and hands him back to me. I'm really not comfortable leaving DS with her until I'm satisfied she can confidently feed him, wind him, change his nappy, and get him to sleep but she is not willing to do anything for him when I am there. DH is of the opinion that I should just let MIL have DS and if she can't cope then I can go back and collect him but I'd rather know he was in capable hands before leaving! This has caused a few arguments between me and DH, am I being unreasonable, should I just do as DH is asking?

My gut feeling would be no, unless you have a FIL or other adult there too to help if she can't.
But, could you try her having him for an hour while you do something on your own?

Have you pointed out to her that if she can’t cope with him when you are there, then it’s not going to work if she is on her own. How does she react if you say this to her when she hands him back to you rather than when she is asking to baby sit?

Do you actually want to go out and need a baby sitter? If not can you delay it by saying that would be lovely when you need a baby sitter but you’re not ready to go out and leave him yet?

Have you asked your dh how he would feel if mil hurt herself and/or baby by tripping over or dropping baby or picking him up awkwardly or struggling to breathe and problems from that? How does he react? And when you say that you could never put your baby in a risky situation, not fair to mil or baby and if he forces it then you’re not sure that you could forgive him if something happened because he demanded it happen - how does he feel about that? And he will say that he is sure his mum won’t hurt your baby - to which you need to point out it’s not the deliberate hurting you’re worried about but the accidental and/or unintentional which is the much higher risk.

Going off to have a shower while mil is there to look after dc or cooking sûpper in a different room on several different occasions - if she gives up each time then if your dh still insisted it would be ok, he would be a fool and a mummy’s boy that is putting his mum’s wants above the safety and needs of his own child.

Your MIL is in no way physically capable to care for a baby/toddler/young child on her own. End of story. Leaving your baby alone with her would be completely irresponsible.

YANBU.
I feel really sorry for your MIL, but it sounds like she is in denial.
We had a similar thing but later on with my mum.
My youngest has quite severe special needs, when she was tiny, she and her older sister would go to my mum’s for a few days in half term etc and all had a lovely time. However as mum and DD2 got older, I began to realise she wasn’t really coping well. She was later diagnosed with COPD which I’m sure she had had for a long time.
I have to admit I skirted round the issue for ages, just finding reasons why it wasn’t convenient for them to go. Eventually I think she realised herself.
You really can’t compromise your son’s care so at not to hurt her feelings. Your DH is not being realistic.

Of course, your DH is very unreasonable. You can’t leave 5 months old baby with someone who can’t cope. It’s very irresponsible and dangerous.

How about meeting in the middle, say MIL has DS while you have a bath in the same house?

You get me time, she feels useful but you're still available...

She is on her on so would have no help at all. I have told her how he can be and that I don't think she would cope but she completely disregards what I say and her reply is I'll cope and it'll give you a break. I have no need for her to watch him, as tough and tiring as it can be I don't need or want a break. I haven't actually put across to DH how we would feel if something happened so I will the next time it comes up. DH rarely visits her because he works long hours, I visit when I can but she doesn't think it's often enough and her solution to seeing more of DS is to babysit. She doesn't come and visit, she says it too far for her to walk round so letting her have time with DS while I tidy/do the dishes/shower isn't really an option.