DS prefers DH over me :(

[pussincahoots]

He’s 2.5 and has always been a handful. Horrendous sleeper. Some health issues. Needs constant stimulation. Tantrums. You name it. I’m shattered.

My husband did precisely nothing to help care for him until he started doing a bit here and there fairly recently. And now BAM. My son literally pushes me away and actually says he doesn’t want me. Just daddy. And he’s even started whacking me now.

I only work part time so I can care for him and I make a huge effort to make sure we do fun stuff. We co-slept for a long time in the beginning and I’m actually still breastfeeding him once a day. Yet he still prefers daddy.

I don’t understand. I know I shouldn’t take it personally and should be glad he and his father have a growing relationship, particularly given his dad’s total lack of emotional intelligence, but I love my son so much and stayed patient and loving through all the hard bits I shouldered on my own while his dad took it easy. And suddenly he’s father of the year and I’m a leper? He even seems to prefer to be comforted by his father when he’s upset/hurt now. It’s very upsetting.

Thoughts?

Wild guess: he perceives his father's interest /approval as novel and/or conditional, whereas he knows your approval/care/love/attention is unconditional. Therefore he can afford to be a bit obnoxious to you because he knows you'll forgive him, but his father's attention etc could be taken away at any moment. So he'll do anything to please his dad, even at the expense of upsetting you.

@Tableclothing I had thought about that and it worries me a lot. Beside being largely absent his dad makes a lot of promises he doesn’t follow through with. It’s bad enough when he does it to me, but I’ve noticed him doing it with our son and while I pull him up on it he acts like I’m a killjoy and says “He won’t remember” etc. It’s so shit.

You sound exhausted OP

It's not you. Kids are shits. In their own way. Honestly.

I do all the childcare (bar bedtime, DH owns that), housework etc etc, and yet they prefer him over me. It's cool, they'll realise at some point. Probably when I go full on strike and they don't get fed!

@pooopypants I am exhausted. But thanks for saying it isn’t me. I have to admit I’ve started to doubt myself and wonder what I’m doing wrong...

i do 90% of dd’s (3.5) care and she also prefers her dad. it’s a combination of their personalities getting along better as she is very similar to me so we sometimes clash a little and him being the novelty ‘fun’ parent who gets to come home after work and do all the silly stuff

it is what it is sadly - primary carers often get the crappy end of the deal - but in the end people generally realise who is the one who’s really there through thick and thin! don’t let it get you down too much, they’re only babies they can’t perceive this could hurt your feelings

Thanks for your honesty. Sometimes I think it’s just me because I thought kids this age were closer to their mothers in general so it’s interesting to hear others in the same boat.

My son is 6. When he was 18 months old his dad (who bathed him twice, never woke up for him, never cut his nails, never fed him, never read him a story, never carried him around except to show him off to friends), never cooked him a meal (except the time he burns wheetabix - yeah this is real - WHEETABIX), never taught him a song or a rhyme, never paid attention when he started walking or saying words, never soothed him during teething or earache or tonsillitis episodes) ran away with a teenager. He's 45, she's 21. He is the one my DS cries for at night. I feel your crushed heart. Its not FAIR but we're emotionally so much stronger, intelligent, resilient, mature and ABLE than these weak willed, no backbone men, that we can take it in the knowledge that OUR BODIES carried and grew these babies, nothing can change the fact that we're their REAL AND ONLY hands-on parents and one day they will look back and realise who the real stable factor in their lives were all along.

Hang in there! You're doing an amazing job at parenting a child during a difficult stage of his (and your) life.
He will soon be old enough to call your husband the liar that he clearly is and run back to the only person he could rely on all along.

I’m sorry to hear about your ex @Stapelberg. They really do live a charmed life sometimes, don’t they. Sounds like you’re better off without him

How often does your son see his dad now?

Well after he initially dragged me through court for access and was granted 2 hours every Friday, (that was 4 years ago) he probably saw him 10 times in those 4 years.

OP - it's hard but it's very very normal. Daddy is fun, Daddy is special. I think most mums experience the same. I did. Still in a way, my DD is 8, ExP who pays not one bloody penny maintenance and has no overnights sees her once a week for a few hours and she thinks he's Mr Wonderful. But she's 8, so doesn't see the reality.

I thought kids this age were closer to their mothers in general

Children of this age don't show closeness in the same way that adults do. It's not doing fun things together, or talking about your day. Your child sees you as a constant, fixed and immovable like the stars in the sky. There's no need to try and draw you in or win your favour because your child knows you'll be there anyway.

I think that's very very true. And a bit of a compliment tbh, that our kids are so sure of our constant BE THERE for them, that they feel free to walk away from us for a little while, knowing we'll be right where they left us when we come back! So really OP, what your little one is saying to you, is that you're an amazing mum and they're perfectly safe in that knowledge!

Thank you everyone for your messages. I feel a lot better now, even though he’s just kicked me out of his room in favour of his dad reading to him - the man who has read a handful of books since birth compared to my 8+ a day and never once taken him to the library. I even do special voices for each character like a bloody idiot FFS!

The way other mothers I know talk about their incredible bond with their kids gave me the impression what I am dealing with is rare or somehow my fault. Maybe it’s more common than I thought...

My DD was the same at that age. I have a video from her birthday where she only wants dad to pass her presents/ open them with her. I remember feeling really sad about it too. She grew out of it though by about 4, so try not to worry - it doesn’t always last.

We're going through a phase of this - DD2 is 3 and obsessed with Daddy - he's away 4 days a week which means there's immense excitement when he appears and I'm constantly told 'I love Daddy not Mummy' 😞 Luckily DD1 who is 6 prefers me...

'I love Daddy not Mummy' That’s rough

It is rough, but she seems to think she has to make a choice - she has rather specific ideas about everything and is impossible to reason with!

It is interesting watching them interact - DP is very much the monkey to her role as organ grinder 😂

I always think it is bizarre when I hear mohers say " I do more so I should be loved more".
Think about that statement. It makes no sense.
You don't earn love.
A child will always love his mother and father the same, no matter who does more for them.

and why are you so nasty about your husband?
Jealousy jealousy jealousy.
I think that mothers need to be taught this : "you do not own your child, your child will love other people other than you. No matter how much you do for them, it does not make them love other people less. They have a right to do this.

Sometimes I think that when mothers were unloved themselves as a child , they get jealous if their child loves anyone else. Work on your own issues

The thing is you complain you are tired and that your ds is demanding but now you have your partner doing more with him, you are now complain ds has bonded with him and sometimes wants dad more. You can’t have it both ways, children can be demanding so brilliant while dad reads bedtime stories and bedtime, you can rest or do whatever you want.

I do think some dads can’t win, you do see it with some mothers. They try and be involved but get criticised they are not doing it the right way as mum would, or mum gets upset with their child wants dad to do things so find it easier to step back. I myself remember being critical of my dh when he was changing ds1 nappy when he was a baby. I was exhausted and snappy but always remember my Nan telling me to stop it and saying “Even if he is doing something wrong, while he is doing it, you don’t have to.” While it’s not always the case, it was good advice to step back and let dh get on with it and get back from the mindset I should do everything for ds on my own.

It’s a phase, be glad your ds is bonding with his dad.

The big thing jumping out here is how your DH has contributed nothing to parenting in 2.5 years. Why not?

I think it's perfectly normal for kids to favour one parent over another, but I accept that can hurt. As a PP said, you're the constant and that's an important thing to be.

I really hate this line of thinking. It always seems to be women that do it out of jealousy. Why can't you let your child love some - one else? Having a good relationship with Dad will help him have good relationships with other people in the future.

I was at my auntie's house a while ago, and she had her grandson to stay. She said " I do everything for him when he is here, his granddad does nothing for him, and still when he comes here he runs to his grandad with love and can't wait to see him".

Do you see how nasty that sounds?
Do you see how jealous that sounds?

Of course the child was going to love his grand dad. - because he is his grand dad!