Anxious with people around my baby

[LouisaT00]

Hi! I have a 14 week old week old and this is my first baby, for some reason I get very anxious and worried when people are around him and touching him. It’s more my partners side I worry about, I don’t feel as if I trust anyone enough to hold or touch him and I imagine they are hurting him, especially other children around him! Is this normal?

It isn't normal but it isn't that unusual either. I would talk to someone about these feelings, someone at baby healthcare appointments or gp, to make sure it doesn't escalate and become problematic, eg stopping you going out etc.

Hi there OP I would say it's normal I was like that with my pfb and my second DC
However mine wasn't because I thought they would hurt either of my DCs mine was from possible germs or second hand smoke that's what worried me more and the fact that I just wanted to have all the cuddles it does wear off eventually you'll be glad to have a few hours to yourself when family offer to look after baby

I think can be normal to feel that way.

If the relationships are important to you, you might need to just put that aside for a minute and let them have a supervised cuddle, and take baby back when you want to. There are plenty of threads on here about snubbed aunties and grandmas who just want to cuddle the new family member but aren't allowed to.

If that feels impossible, there's absolutely nothing wrong with saying 'I'm feeling a bit anxious at the moment, how about you just sit next to me and stroke her/him for a bit'? Then work up to it.

Other children is a different matter, if they are boisterous or a bit clumsy then you can certainly keep baby away from them. Maybe encourage contact in a very controlled way e.g. sit next to me quietly and hold baby's hand (or whatever you are comfortable with).

It doesn’t sound entirely normal and I mean that very gently. You and your baby are just leaving the 4th trimester so it’s normal that you’ll both want to be connected most of the time but boss the time they’ll have a growing awareness there’s more to this world than you and you need to nurture the social baby side too.

Why do you feel they might hurt your baby? Is their anyone you can talk to in RL if these feelings don’t go away?

If you are worried about germs it is actually very important that your baby gets covered in the natural flora of relatives. Germs are part and parcel of a baby’s development.

Hurting him as I’m something accidental. I find it hard to watch people hold him because I imagine they will drop him or hold him the wrong way and it would cause him discomfort. I thought when he was born that it was just because he was so tiny, now he’s stronger and isn’t so tiny and I still feel like this. I don’t have a good bond with my parents family, I always wonder if that’s the reason why because I don’t know them enough to trust them

Hmmm..... I think it’s quite normal to be very protective of your baby, but to be worried that loved family members are actually going to hurt him? It’s not really rational, is it? Have you told yourself this?

I have seen this happen twice with babies on my husband’s side and MIL’s DILs as others say it does happen. Whether it’s rational and “normal” or not is another matter. Just be careful that you don’t damage relationships with the wider family, as it can be very hurtful to have a perfectly happy baby snatched out of your arms for no apparent reason after only 2 minutes. It can make people feel like they're holding the baby wrong or that you just don’t trust them. The older generation especially can be very hurt by actions like that when they’re just wanting to show their love.

It’s different if they’re overstimulating him or getting him all hyped up when you know he genuinely just needs a cuddle with you to calm down, Or if they’ve got germs like a cold or cold sore or have just had a smoke or have been drinking a bit too much.

My ex SIL was very over protective of her first. Wouldn’t let anyone hold her even when she had just had a feed and had nodded off in her arms in a milk drunk stupor. The second came along and she was similar again, in fact some relatives were more or less told to stay away altogether for the first few weeks or if they weren’t overtly told to they felt like they had to. Consequently I and other relatives never held my nieces as newborns and don’t have any memories of them at that age to share with their mother.

A few months on, and she was trying to pass them round to whoever was there so she could get some space. “Would you like to give her her bottle?” Etc. Well, it becomes very difficult to feel happy to do something like that then because you feel as if you’re being scrutinised anxiously with every fibre of the mum’s being. It’s off putting and you may find that people no longer feel comfortable to be involved with physically holding your baby while you are present.,

Feeling protective about your baby is just nature’s hormones and gut instinct working to keep your baby safe. But when they are in overdrive and there is no actual danger, maybe that is the time where you could thinking about visiting the Gp or Health visitor for advice

Have you discussed how you feel with your DH/P?

@CurlyhairedAssassin i never speak on it to the people, I wouldn’t make them feel uncomfortable or snatch him from them because I know that it would be hurtful, though I can’t help but watch every movement they make when they’re holding him. I have spoke to my DP about this and he assured me that my DS would be fine and I had nothing to worry about.

I have also mentioned to my GP about this and he had told me that it is very common to be anxious and think that your own baby is only safe with you but said it would go away as he becomes more independent

If you have discussed it with the GP and your OH and you realise that it is an irrational fear, and you are careful not to overtly upset your relatives then what more do you think you can you do? As your GP says, and other posters on here, the feeling will pass eventually. It’s just feelings and hormones, don’t worry too much .

@LouisaT00 I disagree with some of the other posters and do think it's normal to an extent. Any other mammal would be anxious if their small baby was held by someone else. Some people don't feel that way and that's fine too.

With DS1 I was mostly anxious about strangers touching him and a bit uncomfortable with people I knew holding him and I'm like this again with DS2 (maybe even a bit worse!) but it doesn't last forever.

It really isn’t normal. I have a family member that is like that with her PFB and she’s 10 months old now. I don’t bother with the baby anymore because I’m not allowed any kind of relationship with her anyway. You’ll alienate DS from friends and family. He needs bonds with other family members too, not just mum & dad.

I will add there’s nothing wrong with me btw, I don’t smoke, drink, I’m clean etc. She doesn’t let anybody near. Which meant when she started back at work and her DM had to care for baby she spent the whole 5 hours crying because she wasn’t used to being with anybody apart from mum...

I'm exactly the same with my 4 week old!!!