Can poor parenting be undone?

[Badwifey]

My dd went through a long period of very poor sleep. So for about 2.5 years I rarely ever got a full nights sleep. At her worst I never got more than 90 mins continuous sleep and survived on between 4-6 hours sleep a might for about 9/10 months in a row. My DH wasn't much help as he was working nights most of the time and so at weekends I got slightly more sleep.

During this time I couldn't cope at all. I was often crying while feeding her, hysterical at night when she woke AGAIN and became very stressed and anxious which led to me having a breakdown and becoming a shouty parent.

She's a good sleeper now for the last year or so and my parenting style I think has changed. I do still shout at times but not even nearly as much.

I worry a lot though that the breakdown I had has had a negative affect on her and wonder is it possible to turn it around if there has been or will the trauma stay with her forever. I have massive guilt over this. It's something I think about daily and wish I could turn back the clock to start over again.

I love her so very much and just want to be the parent she deserves.

My baby is only young so not sharing experience here but have been readibg the philippa perry book abd she talks a lot about rupture and repair. It matters less that there was a rupture than the action you take to repair it - so if you were angry and inconsistent, now be patient and calm. Give her focused attention. Try not to overcompensate.

Sure someone will be along with experience but yes, you can and are addressing this.

I had parents with mental health issues. It's taken 20 years for their behaviour to be better for me but it is better now and our relationship is much better. You're addressing it now and all power to you

OP, you can’t change the past, so there is no point in beating yourself up over it. The important thing is that you love your child, and are doing your best to be a consistent, loving parent for the future.
Every day now you are building nice secure foundations for your child. They won’t remember what you were like before, their trust will be based on how you are now, and whether that seems reliable to them.
If you are calm, affectionate and predictable, with reasonable boundaries, that’s all they need for good development.
Leave the past in the past. Give yourself credit for how you’re coping, don’t overthink things and just enjoy being a good parent.

Thank you both for the replies.

I've tried to let it go but every now and again I think back and I feel like such a shitty parent. I just feel like I broke her.. like any issues (anxiety etc) are my fault. I was watching one of those birthing shows last night and it's what got me thinking. My breakdown and other issues are why I've only 1 but I would love the chance to parent her all over again.

But is she actually "traumatised " and "broken"? Is she actually anxious? How old is she ? How does her behaviour manifest?

How much of this is actually you projecting how you think she should feel based on your own anxieties and guilt?

@StockTakeFucks

She has sensory issues mainly around her ears. Hates loud noise and white noise.
She seems to want to please all of the time. Gets quite stressed if she thinks I'm mad at her. She's very sensitive to moods too.

How old is she?

It could be she has some issues,it might be that she has some SEN, it might just be her age and part of growing up.

DD cried every time someone told her off no matter how nicely.

She didn't step foot in a public toilet until 5 without kicking off about the hand dryers.

She still jumps up and asks what various noises are.

She nearly had a meltdown the first time we went in the woods because of the various noises and shadows etc.

I'm not trying to minimise your fears or not believed you, but it seems to me that because of the guilt and shame you have about the past, make you over analyse her behaviours AND willing to take the blame. This isn't healthy or good for her or you.

Hope this makes sense.

Thanks @StockTakeFucks I do feel enormous guilt over it. I know I was having a breakdown and was extremely sleep deprived but I still wish I had handled it better. I should have asked for help sooner than I did.

Yes maybe the guilt makes me exaggerate her issues. She absolutely awesome though. She still seems to like me at the minute so maybe I should start trying to cut myself some slack.

You definitely should. You had a breakdown when she was little, it happens. You're not the first or last, and you have many many years ahead to "make up" for it.

You will fuck up again,we all do , but all you can do is learn,apologise and try to do better.

I'm sure your little girl loves you,not just like you.

Just keep an eye on yourself and be kind to yourself. You can't let the guilt overwhelm you,or constantly look for signs you "broke" her. That way madness lies.

I can really empathise with your post, though my breakdown was for different reasons.
I think I've gone down the over compensation route and and now struggle to see my child upset without trying to fix it instantly or turn it around to blame myself. I feel haunted by how I was back then but I'm currently having some therapy to try to deal with it so that I'm not parenting from a place of guilt and so that I can be a confident leader and not what sometimes feels like a slave to their every whim. Its really hard to try to release yourself from the guilt and blame but i am slowly coming to realise that ultimately that will cause further damage. I wonder whether you might benefit from some therapy sessions too. Have a big hug from me, I know how you're feeling and it's rough X

@Chargertest I've just seen your reply now. Thanks for answering.

I don't think I do try to overcompensate though. But yes it breaks my heart to see her upset. I do feel massive guilt now anytime I raise my voice to her.

Unfortunately I don't have the funds for therapy. They're very expensive where I am. I did seek therapy when I had my breakdown though and she really did help. She is an only so will be generally a little more spoiled I suppose but she really is a great girl most of the time.