I’m a shit mum

[Scabbyfingers]

Everyone thinks DD (6 months) is adorable and family members dote on her.

They are always so enthusiastic with her and play with her etc.

I obviously do play with her, sing with her etc but they are just so enthusiastic with her and I’m just not.

I’m not really an enthusiastic person and I’ve really struggled to bond with her. I’m not an affectionate person either.

I just can’t muster that enthusiasm with her and about 60% of the time I don’t like her. I only ever get the crying, grumpiness etc that no one else does. I’m with her all day. I can’t wait to go back to work.

Don’t get me wrong, I do love her. She’s beautiful and she does make me smile but I’m really struggling.!

I should add that she’s woken up every 90 minutes tonight and I feel like I hate her at this exact moment

Are you on your own OP? Where is her dad in this?

First off you aren't a shit mum and you don't actually hate her, you hate the tiredness. Everyone has moments like this (lots of them) but people never really admit it, especially mums.

It's much easier to coo and be enthusiastic when it's only for a limited time and you get to pass the baby back. It's quite another thing to maintain it 24/7 with no break when you're up half the night. Give yourself a break!

Are there any family who can take DD for a few hours to give you a bit of a breather?

You're not a shit mum. I felt this way with DC1 who had colic, constantly cried, and was a terrible sleeper. She is almost 4 now and I enjoy her so much more now. I have a few friends who are getting broody and I tell them I don't relate and I hated the newborn/infant stage.

Get support and help when you can, let someone else watch her so you can take care of yourself. It will get better!

It sounds to me as if you may have postpartum depression.

They only see the good bits as you said, they also aren't being woken up every hour or so and they don't think about how they might be fucking up their time with her because they don't have to question how they are with her all the time. It's so much easier to be ott and silly voices,faces and constant big grins when you only have to do it until you don't want to and then you can leave.

As a mum you don't get that luxury

The MN quote is if you were a shit mum you wouldn't care if you were.

Tiredness is a killer, it doesn't matter how cute she is that won't stop you feeling irritated after disturbed sleep which you are having most if not every night.
I'm not at all convinced every mum enjoys the sleepless bit of motherhood every minute of every day, I didn't I hated my life for a lot of it, I was resentful and short tempered and everything was just so unbelievably hard. Cleaning seemed to take forever because I would spend ages just huffing in the mess not doing anything constructive and picking things up before putting them down somewhere that wasn't where the thing should be. It was sleep deprivation but we get used to it and stop giving it the credit because it feels like we've adjusted to limited sleep. Humans do not adjust properly to sleep deprivation, we just think we do.
Your concept of time also gets messed up, tbh with 1 of my 3 the first 8 months I remember as feeling hateful, resentful, useless and lazy because I was so tired, but my family swear I seemed very happy as a new mum!
I didn't see it until the sleepless nights had passed and I'd eventually caught up with sleep but I did enjoy some of that time I just didn't enjoy a bit more of it (if that makes sense) because I was sleep deprived and probably a bit fucked in the head because of it.

Do not underestimate the impact of disturbed sleep, not enjoying things, being unenthused and struggling with what seem like it should be easy is a sign you are sleep deprived You can't decide you're a shit mum until you're back on top of sleeping properly

I'm up with a 4 year old who has been waking up every couple of hours since we went on holiday and look how rambling this post is! Thats after a week of disturbed sleep, you've had six months so give yourself a break!

You are not a shit mum OP, you care, you are trying and you are knackered. I think you should tell your health visitor how you are feeling - she will have seen/heard it all before and she can get you appropriate help. Also can you talk honestly to a family member (dm) or close friend? Some people just aren't 'mumsy' and struggle with some of the baby interaction. My bf was like that but she turned out to be a brilliant mum. Some mums just aren't keen on the baby stage.

bf = best friend and not boyfriend!

Please give yourself a break OP. You are not a shit mum - this phase is hard, exhausting and to be honest often a bit boring. That whole period puts me off ever having another.

DD is 2 and a bit now and it is great. People talk about ‘terrible twos’ etc, and how they look back so fondly on the newborn / baby days, but honestly, this is so much easier. She sleeps, talks, walks and is so much fun. Those early days were just bloody awful.

If you're shit I'm shit! Dd1 never slept for a year and I hated her a lot of the time. As a PP says the terrible twos were easy in comparison. So you're not a baby person, she won't be a baby for long luckily. She sounds well cared for. You'll come into your own later in parenting I'm sure. I found it helpful to get out every day a distraction for both of us.

You're not a shit mom, you're an exhausted one.
It's easy to be enthusiastic when you're getting the smiles and cute baby garble. It's not easy when you're getting the sicky baby with shitty nappies at 2am for the 4th time that night.

I bet when she smiles at you or laughs you smile without even realising. You love her even when you hate her.

Have you spoken to your GP or health visitor? Do you get to socialise much with other new moms?
Do you have support? Are you with baby's dad?

Sounds quite normal to me, although if you feel it isn't you could speak to your dr about your feelings.

I'm a single mum to 4, one of them is an absolute nightmare, she's 5 but such such hard work. There are times on the school run I feel like I do hate her. Of course I don't, and afterwards when she's calmed down I feel guilty about feeling that way, mum guilt is awful!

We all get moments where we do not like being a parent, it can get in top of you and you feel like you just can't breathe. A lot of mums won't admit to sometimes feeling this way out of fear of being judged.

I think, the fact you have even posted this means your doing your best, because shit mums don't feel bad about their parenting, and don't feel mum guilt!

Your not alone in feeling like you do.

Thanks all. I do feel marginally better.

I do have PND and take antidepressants for it but I need to arrange some counselling.

I don’t really feel like I can speak to DH about it as he just thinks I’m being horrible.

I’m also a bit worried about going back to work as I’m financially better off going but time but I feel like I’m going to be stuck with her two more days a week.

I don’t think me and DD ever have a good relationship.

I hate feeling this way

You will have a good relationship with your daughter with time, OP. I think this is your depression. Don’t go back to work until it is dealt with. It will make your life far more difficult if you do.

@Winterlife - I’ve already given in my notice to return though - am I able to cancel that?

I don’t have a good relationship with my mum so I reckon me and DD will be the same and I want to emotionally write her off and just make a new baby.

I’m fully aware that’s horrible and I am seeking help. I’ve got the health visitor coming Friday.

My heads a mess. This is not how I pictured motherhood

Everyone else seems to have it together

Seriously we don't have it together. We all have good days and bad. You're not alone

I don’t know if you can cancel your maternity leave, although I assume if you told them you wish to extend it due to illness, you would be fine.

We all have the feelings you do, OP. Being a mother is hard work and thankless.

I made the mistake of going back to work because of similar views, which I now know were caused by postpartum depression. That’s why I recognize it in your posts. Have that dealt with, if you can, before you return to work.

You’re not a shit mum. Sleep deprivation is a killer. I remember being totally enraged with ds one night because he wouldn’t sleep. I was absolutely exhausted after days of it and so angry with him.

You need some decent sleep and support. Talk to your dh and health visitor.

You are not a shit mum at all. You are exhausted from the demands of looking after a baby. It is easy to be enthusiastic when you can hand back the baby and go home and get a good nights sleep! Be kind to yourself. You are doing a great job.

You are not alone. There are many mothers who don't have that "ideal" experience and just lie about it, perpetuating the myth that motherhood is some kind of bliss. It exacerbates the situation for mothers who aren't having the best time of it by making them feel alone or monstrous. Cut yourself a break. You suffer from sleep deprivation and PND. Don't write off your baby just yet. It's been 6 months. You obviously need more time to find your groove with her. Talk to people....honest people. The starry eyed life is great people are full of shit or on drugs lol. I LOVED my girls but suffered from such crazy anxiety.

I felt like a shot of adrenaline went through me every time they made a peep for the longest time. I missed my freedom. I HATED playing with them. I didn't know how to and felt stupid and bored. I found other ways to bond. Reading, going for walks, baths. You'll get it. Just know you are not alone. I think so many mothers feel this way but no one talks about it.

Thanks again everyone.

I do love her like crazy. Just drives me crazy. My head is such a mess

You sound very like me OP. I remember having feelings of actual hate when my baby refused to sleep for more than 20 mins and had to be held at all times. This went on for months.

I also felt pretty meh about him for a long time. Obviously I loved him, but I really didn't like him a lot of the time and I detested being a mum about 90% of the time

All I can say, is that it does get better - much better. Mine is now 4.5 and is a pretty awesome kid. I still have wobbles at times, like today as he's being difficult and demanding but I do enjoy his company very much.

I've just read your other messages and see that you don't have a good relationship with your mum. Nor do I....
I totally agree that it makes it so much harder to form those emotional connections. However, I made a conscious decision that I was not going to follow suit with my own child, history would not repeat itself. We now have a very close bond and I feel so good about that.
Sadly it was Something that I never had with my own mum and I can remember so much of my own childhood from about the age of 4. It's very hard and painful, I don't want my child to go through that.

Please feel free to PM me if you want

It's great that you're seeking help OP.

I think it's easy for family or friends to be enthusiastic because they aren't doing the same shit every day - getting up through the night, bum wiping, clothes changing, weaning, feeding, face wiping, more bum wiping, bathing. Repeat tomorrow and the next day....I found it much more enjoyable when my DS was on the move so we could explore, he was happier too.

This is exactly how a felt/ still do feel some days. My son is just over 2 now and has only just started sleeping through the night and it has been the hardest thing I have ever experienced.

You can never prepare for sleep deprivation and how it makes you feel. I felt the same with my friends thinking everyone else had it together but it just turned out everyone else was lying and not talking about it.

People are scared to talk about the reality sometimes in case people judge them and think that they are bad parents.