Feel terrible, controlled crying

[Cherry111]

Hi, I just wanted to post to see if anyone else has tried this. I'm doing the first night tonight as I'm at the end of my tether with my 2 year old. Basically I'm having to lie with her in her room till she falls asleep, if I leave she screams blue murder. It can take up to an hour and a half to get her to sleep. I don't have an evening and can't catch up on housework etc. So I've started. I've been in 5 times so far. The first time I comforted her and said sleepy time darling time to close your eyes. Every other time I'm just laying her down and going back out. It's breaking my heart as she shouting and crying for me. I keep going back in every 5 mins so she knows I'm here. Am I doing this right? Or am I the worst Mum in the world cause that's how I feel x

Sounds like you're doing great. If you have time to yourself in the evenings you'll be less tired and stressed, which will lead you to being a better parent overall. Plus she's not a tiny baby, you can't lie down with her for 90 minutes every night. Don't give in, it gets easier I promise!

It does get easier honestly. We did it about 3 or so weeks ago with my ds who is 17 months. First night out was about 3 hours before he went to sleep although dh was in the room with him just not lifting him out of the cot.. And he only woke once during the night was about an hour that time for him to go back over.second night I was dreading it even more thinking it would be horrendous... Dh did bedtime and ds shouted for 40 mins again dh was either in the room or going in every 5 mins and laying him back down. Ds slept through that night.
For the next week or so ds would shout for about 30 mins or stand up but it was a grumble shout rather than an upset or crying.. Since then he tends to cry until dh reaching the top of the stairs after leaving his room and then just plays in his cot before dozing over.. And he is sleeping right through to about 6/ 630 am
Night before last dh put ds into the cot and said night night and ds waved and said night night
Tonight was me doing bedtime for the first time since we have done this (ds clings to me and was getting more upset if it was me).. He didn't cry when I left the room but did get up about 10 mins later to shout.. Bit he then laid himself back down again. Although he was up and down the cot a fair bit before deciding to go to sleep

Thanks Bianca, that's how I feel. I'll feel so much better if I can actually have an evening to catch up with stuff as she's a stage 5 clinger so I can't do much during the day! Or even just relax and watch a bit of tv. The mum guilt is real though x

Smurf, wow sounds like you had a hard time at the beginning but it's worked for you in the long term. It's so hard leaving them. I just feel so horrible but I know it's for the best in the long run. I went in another 3 times and just laid her back down. So about 8 times, and about 40 mins till she fell asleep. Now I just need to keep it up and get my partner on board (he works a lot) and hates hearing her cry but I need to do this for my own sanity x

I used to lie with my dd too. I started by saying I can’t lie down because my back hurts so I’ll just sit on the bed. Did that for a week or so.
Then said I’m cold sitting here, am going to sit by the radiator. Did that for a week or so.
Then said I just want to read a chapter of my book so I’ll be right by your door on the landing as it’s too dark.
Gradually once she was used to getting to sleep by herself I’d say I’m just going to wash up and then I’m coming to read outside your door.
Just faded myself out really slowly like that.
Took longer but was maybe less traumatic (for you) xx

In my experience it's worth sticking with this OP. DD knows you're there as you've kept going back and actually 40 minutes for the first night seems pretty good.

I've had to do similar with my DD (just kept going back at gradually increasing intervals and saying 'it's time to go to sleep' and after 2 or 3 nights it's worked like a dream and we're back to her going happily into her cot at bedtime and I go straight downstairs and that's it.

My amazing HV told me to heave 30 seconds to cry, settle, then increase intervals of 30 seconds, so 1 minute, Settle again if they cry again, then 1:30 min etc ... I never got to 2:30 minutes with either of mine

It's hard to listen to them cry I hated it but we are all much happier.. Ds is finally getting a good night's sleep. Dh and I actually get an evening together. Up to we did it ds would only let me put him to bed. He was rocked to sleep and was inevitably up after an hour again and at least 2 or 3 times during the night often for an hour or so...it had gotten to the point where he was sleeping more of the night in his pram than in his bed! So it was the right thing for us to do but I still feel guilty when he cries.. Luckily he doesn't do it much anymore and he is so happy getting up in the morning

Hang on in there Cherry - it will get better eventually.

Thanks so much for your positive experiences guys, I really appreciate it. The real test will be when my partner is around, as he is a softy and will think it's cruel. I'm going to definitely stick with it as it will make me a better parent overall, as 12 hours with a 2 year old is hard enough without having that downtime at night x

Has anyone just carried on staying with their child and has it just sorted itself out?

Although she was self-settling at 18 months we have had to stay with our little girl til she falls asleep since she turned 2 (now nearly 3). I think we'd have resorted to controlled crying if we never got an evening - so I totally understand why people do it - but most nights she goes to sleep between 7:30-8. She doesn't nap during the day and we try to tire her out.
We have tried to leave her for a minute or two, sometimes longer, but she gets so distressed.
I like the idea about saying your back hurts, you're cold and need to sit by the radiator etc. I may try that

@IrisPurple hope it works for you x. If my dd woke in the night I’d say that if she laid quietly for 5 minutes I’d go back and give her a kiss. I did it every 5 minutes until she went to sleep. She knew if she made a fuss I’d not go in.
After a while i’d only need to go back once and then not at all.

We had a very similar situation with our two year old DS when he was about 18 months, plus he liked to be fed to sleep.
Health visitor have some great advice which I'm sure you've heard before:

Put in cot with a kiss and cuddle and leave room but wait outside the door. Every three mins go back in and lay baby back down if standing, and say goodnight.
The first night we went in 45 (!!!) times
The second night it was down to about 16
And then the third night 2 or 3 times
I couldn't believe we had suffered so many wasted evenings up until that point, and because it was only letting him get upset for a few minutes at a time we could cope with it and so could he.

The health visitor warned us that there would be a point where he gets extra extra upset and cross, and that's a good thing and means we've hit approx the half way mark, and he will calm down again after it, and it was true and it worked.

Good luck OP, it's not easy this parenting lark, but sounds like you're doing a good job! X

Look up rapid return method (I think it’s called) its less harsh than controlled crying.
I think you basically put them down and say goodnight, kiss etc. Say you’ll be back in a second, leave the room, but only for a second and return. Keep repeating with very small gaps of only a few seconds but let them get longer and longer I.e 2 seconds, 5 seconds, 10 seconds - they will soon calm down and trust you are coming back and start relaxing. It worked so much better with mine. You do feel like you are in out in out, but overall it’s so much quicker!

Oh and I forgot to add, strict instructions that only Daddy does the routine as if he sees me he might think that means milk. I used to pop out so I didn't have to hear the cries

Oh god it's awful. But so worth it, please, please stick with it. Your little one needs a decent sleep and so do you, you need some time out in order to be a better parent.
Just remember that they are fed, they are safe, they are not scared, just really REALLY pissed off with you for chaning the goal posts. And it will pass, and be better in the long run for both of you, honestly.