6 year old terrible behaviour. I feel like I’m failing.

[Bethankful]

We have a 6.5 year old only child. He has always been wilful child both at home and school.

At home his behaviour is getting worse. cheeky, defiant, poor listening, throwing things, screaming, hitting us. playing up in public. We enforce consequences loosing computer, sent to room, loose treats. We reward good behaviour, try to not focus on bad behaviour etc. We have sat down together to write family rules etc Nothing seems to be working.

After another exhausting day of trying to do nice things with him and him being a whinging, screaming, defiant child has resulted in him trashing his room and us having to take the bedroom door off for his safety as he was slamming it so hard it was going to brake the frame or he was going to hurt himself.

I feel like I’m failing. Can someone tell me this is a phase :(

Can't promise it's a phase! It may be a behavioural problem which different parenting techniques will help.

What does school say?

The nice things need to be a reward for good behaviour which is hard when you have other kids.
I think summer holidays for some kids are challenging without routine and structure they get at school they really suffer - my 8 year old does. It’s been a long 7 weeks he goes back on Wednesday so as much as I’ll miss them he needs the routine and structure and mixing with friends instead of his brothers.
I’ve tried to be fairly structured over the hols, they get up and get dressed do similar things. I take it hour by hour. I praise him for even small things he does that are kind or helpful or even doing something the first time I ask. Spending time listening to him will help too.

Guided mediation for kids also (YouTube - sleepy cottage is my sons fave) older son can’t abide it so each to their own. It is hard work, small milestones and taking the time to play with him, he chooses and I sit and play - do as he wants and discuss whatever it is he enjoys - even if it’s a bit mind numbing sometimes. But be consistent about what you will not tolerate and no shouting etc firm voice and no nonsense.

My son actually told me he enjoyed his holidays and mummy is much nicer to be around. Hope things improve for its really hard work

Is it worse in the holidays? The change and lack of structure can be overwhelming as children don't know what to expect next.

Go through what you are doing each day the night before and in the morning, use visual aids to help if necessary.

Don't give too much choice in activities. One or the other.
You've mentioned various rewards and consequences.
How long have you stuck to each one? You need to pick a couple and stick with them religiously even if it's inconvenient to you.
At 6.5 consequences and rewards still need to be fairly immediate.

Is he getting enough exercise to tire him out? Lots of energy goes into door slamming!

My child was awful at that age, by the way. He's a gorgeous 23 yr old now. Honest.

Thank you for the replies.

We have been called into school a few times since he’s started. Basically not listening, trouble taking turns. This was not helped by the class teacher calling him naughty and other comments in front of the children (we had a meeting regarding this and we highlighted this was not acceptable and would be escalated if this happened again). He regularly tells us some other children call him the naughtiest in the class which makes him sad. He appears not to have the same group of friends and tends to float between groups. A reward system was put into place at school which helped (until the novelty wore off) Academically he’s flying. I asked the teacher if she felt anything else was going on she stated not. I don’t think so either as he’s as good as gold at grandparents.

We have lots of play dates. Structure at home bath, story’s, bedtime. Extra curriculum activities of sports clubs in the week and weekend. We are very loving toward him and tell him we love him daily and lots of praise etc. But I see other children his age and they don’t seem half as bad.

I'd be interested to go back to school and press for more. Has the Senco got involved? Friendship and communication issues could be signs of ASD. (I know, typical mumsnet response!)

I hope I’m not being ignorant but I don’t think it’s asd as his behaviour can improve with other people. He has no problem forging friendships and does this very quickly inside and outside school. He has a large group of friends but he floats between groups as some of the children don’t let him play (this is what he tells us). We encourage friendships by play dates home for tea etc. He is able to read body language and non verbal clues. He can be very sensitive and will often cry at films or something sad he has seen etc.

But of course I may be totally wrong.

I am by no means an expert. It does sound like there is more going but it could be for a multitude of reasons.
Definitely reach out for support from school and gp particularly for his anger issues.

Try ADHD

Sounds very like my ds who has ADHD

I agree with pp, look into ADD/ADHD. Some kids can find them quite annoying hence not wanting to play, and although they can be "naughty", their self-esteem might be very low when this is pointed out.

Maybe it’s just all too much. Try less play dates, a whole day spent on Lego/not talking/less stimulation/no expectations on how to be and you may not get the fall out at the end of the day when held it together for whole day with others? Mine doesn’t have any sen needs btw but time with less happening works in improving behaviour

hi op, I'm sorry you're having a tricky time. I have a nephew who sounds just like your dc. Is an only child also though does have a step sibling. I don't think the only child thing is necessarily an issue as I also have one and no difficulties. Recently had dn to stay, what I noticed was low self esteem / gives up easily on things/ defiant- just like you've described . Their parents asked for advice ( I work in this field). Without sounding annoying I did suggest:
Building confidence in things you know they can do

Giving chores that they can achieve to gain independence and increase autonomy

Being more specific in the praise they give so instead of 'well done for clearing toys' saying ' I really liked how you spent a long time picking up that Lego even though there were lots of small bits'

Unless he has SN can you a conversation with him about the impact of his behaviours and think about how you can support him to reduce them

Thank you will take all the advice on board x

This is not typical behaviour for a 6 year old which means something isn't quite right. It sounds as though he may be struggling to cope which would suggest some kind of underlying issue. Assuming you can rule out any environmental causes, I would try to consolidate a list of issues you're having and ask school/GP for referral to CAMHS. In the meantime, one or both of these books might help:

The Explosive Child by Dr. Greene
'The Everything Parent's Guide to Executive Functioning Disorder' - not necessarily about a disgnosed disorder but an excellent primer on executive functioning (essentially, self regulation) which is behind all the issues you mention.

Executive functioning skills can lag behind even in "normal"/neurotypical children (ie those without any disorder), but if there is an extreme lag, that would be cause for a diagnosis. Apparently it's common for children who are of high intelligence to struggle with executive function.

'This was not helped by the class teacher calling him naughty and other comments in front of the children (we had a meeting regarding this and we highlighted this was not acceptable and would be escalated if this happened again)' - wow, really?

Hi Bethankful, did things get better at school and at home? Any tips on what worked? I'm struggling terribly with the same situation with my almost 6 year old. The first paragraph you wrote explains what we are going through at home and at school to a T. Parenting classes, books, i try to approach the problems with all the advice ive come across. we too our giving him all the love and support and guidance a parent can give. The schools giving 110% too. Nothing seems to work. I'm emotionally drained and heart broken. He's intelligent and can be so loving and is an amazing human overall, but has trouble listening and lashes out in frustration or sometimes just puts his hands on people because hes a messer and also has no respect for peoples space. Don't know if you're still on here, but since you've experienced what I'm going through and it's been 5 years, I'm hoping you can share if it's gotten better and if so, what worked to turn it around. Thank you Xx

Morning Smallj617,
Sorry you are going through a tough time. I had forgotten I had wrote this post so was certainly interesting to read back!
The answer to your question did things improve yes! But it wasn’t overnight and I think general maturity also played a part.
Although we have never had an official diagnosis our child displays symptoms of combined ADHD. Presently they are in secondary school and are coping very well academically, although the forgetting and losing of items can be very frustrating. He has also found a group of friends (He struggled socially through school because of being labelled naughty) who accept his high energy and he is very happy to go to school.
I give him Cod Liver Oil and Zinc, Magnesium and Vitamin B6 daily. We also encourage lots of sport which he partakes in at least 4 times per week after school to burn the energy! 30 mins before bed we both read together to try and quieten down the brain and give him opportunity to discuss any worries. I keep an eye on food obviously limiting high sugar stuff, E numbers etc. Consequences are always seen through too.

Its not perfect but dramatically better. You sound like a supportive, kind loving parent. No one puts more pressure on ourselves than us. Keep doing what you’re doing. Reach out and push for assessment if you feel that’s right for your child. Your not alone x

Hi @Smallj617 I’m going through the same with my son he was 6 in October and is the exact same as yours and @Bethankful son. It’s so hard isn’t especially when you feel you are doing everything you can. He’s waiting for his adhd assessment date. He’s very bright like your son also, but at school he’s so naughty. At home we do all the same things you do, but he’s always pushing boundaries. Always here if you want to chat, it’s nice to know we aren’t the only ones going through this