My daughter has never been a good sleeper, we recently had a more settled period which was amazing, and showed us she could sleep for long stretches but it didn't last. She had a cough/cold so she then got used to waking up needing water and medicine, and we were back to square one with her sleep patterns being up and down. Then we went on holiday so she was sharing a room with her brother, and their dad ended up sleeping in their room a few times because our son was having nightmares and he only calms down for his daddy. We got home and bedtimes with our daughter became horrendous again, just like when she was a baby with colic. It was one excuse after another, she wanted to sleep next to daddy, next to brother, wanted her bear, didn't want her bear and so on.
Literally one day after her 3rd birthday, when we had arrived home from holiday, all hell broke loose. Instead of the odd strops and mini tantrums I had been managing to help her with during the daytime, she will now scream anywhere from 20 mins to almost an hour. Ear splitting volume shrieking, pinching, hitting, kicking, biting etc - full on rage. This is now happening through the day for example if she has done something naughty and needs time out, and also at bedtime if she decides she doesn't want to go to bed, and in the middle of the night as well.
One night recently, I told her 'no' to water and refused to go back in her room. To raise the stakes, she took off her nappy saying 'wee in bed', so I rushed in to put it back on, and then the next wake up where I refused to go back in, she then climbed out over her cotbed bars. We have now had to take the cotbed bars off for safety, so she was keen on her 'big girl bed' at first, but of course that just means she can get out and wander whenever she wakes up. I wouldn't mind if she wandered and came to one of us, and just wanted a hug, but she will get out of bed and just stand and scream about nothing, about anything.
She is very particular about things, so one of last night's dramas was that she woke up around midnight and wanted water, I took her cup, but I didn't sit on the chair, I sat next to her bed (I didn't know that's what she wanted until she started screaming). This mistake was enough to launch an epic tantrum which lasted nearly 2 hours. She had actually gone to bed perfectly calmly for once, as we switched the routine and her dad put her to bed instead of me, the last few nights it's been me putting her to bed as she just screams for me the whole time, and then I try to get her in bed and am dealing with a half an hour or hour screaming session. So last night we decided to see what would happen if we took me out of the equation, the result was she was totally fine.
The trouble is even if I do everything 'perfectly' i.e. sit in the right place, use the right cup etc etc, she will find something to fight about. The 'rules' change every moment of every day and night. I am at a total loss as to what to do with her, how to help her through whatever is going on, and how to get any kind of sleep routine implemented again. I've read so many books and articles recently, but nothing seems to apply to her because she is just so changeable.
At the moment, when she tantrums I just hold her as best I can so she doesn't hurt herself, she slaps my face, punches me, pinches and bites if her arms get free, I'm breathing and counting (a tecnique she used to respond to when it was low level tantrums) At some stage she eventually screams herself out, then we do breathing and a count to 20 together. At some point she'll get exhausted and becomes very huggy and saying sorry, and then won't be separated from me - until the next time I do/say something she doesn't like.
My husband and I are just both at a loss as to what to try now. Last night we ended up yelling at each other as she'd wound us both up so much, and we have problems in our marriage anyway, so I feel right now like everything is crumbling around me. I don't know how to fix things with either my daughter or my husband, and sleep deprivation is taking it's toll on everybody. Can anyone please advise on what I could try or who I could ask for support with this?