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Parenting

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Original poster

My partner never ever wants a second child!

19 replies

LABF · 17/08/2019 11:55

I’m 29 in November I’ve been in a happy loving relationship with my Fiancé for 9 1/2 years and we have a 6 year old Daughter. We previously talked about having a second child when the time is right... ( we did try for a second child a few years back and had an early miscarriage- accepted that it was just meant to be!) we both want to get married first and buy a house and enjoy our lives. However recently my fiancé dropped a massive bombshell and said he never wants another child. Not now not in the future never ever. We have had many deep conversations regarding this and his reasons are valid. But I’m so heart broken! I’ve been really struggling emotionally and I can’t see me staying with him if he wants different things to me. He can’t even be open minded about it in the future. I’ve never said I definitely want another child. There are things I’m focused on more for the time being. Just I don’t know what the future holds. It might be that having another child just won’t fit in with our lifestyle but to be told now that there is no chance ever of having another child is leaving me with no choice but to exit the relationship. It’s breaking my heart! I love this man and thought I would spend the rest of my life with him!
Please I need some advice

OP posts:

PlinkPlink · 17/08/2019 12:05

This is a sad situation to be in.

If you carry on and don't have a child, you will always wonder. You will always wonder what could have been. That will most likely turn into resentment towards your fiance.

If you carry on and you do have a child when he doesn't particularly want to, he will end up resenting you for forcing him into this situation. He will resent the lack of money, the lack of spare time and most likely become depressed/angry/insert negative emotion here.

It's very sad but if he really is dead set against another one and you so clearly do want another one, then it sounds to me like you've reached an impasse. You aren't really compatible anymore. It's harsh that he has changed his mind but he is allowed to do so.

Marriage & Kids -

The two big life events that you really need to be on the same page about if you are to have a successful relationship.

Have you told him that you really do want another one some time in the future?

Original poster

LABF · 17/08/2019 12:15

The thing is I’m not saying I 100% want another child in the future but I don’t want the option to have another child be ruled out. I would never have another child with someone who doesn’t want one. I am not selfish and don’t believe in bringing a child into a situation like that. Do I carry on in the relationship? Deal with this later if the situation/subject of possibly having another is on the cards? Or would I have wasted time? Would it be too late? I love this man! I can’t believe this is a situation we’re are in. All of our friends are having babies, planning their second babies... will I always wonder what if? There will always be an elephant in the room. People ask us now if we are having more children; I’m assuming because our daughter is now 6!

OP posts:

hormonesorDHbeingadick · 17/08/2019 13:45

I think it’s better that he is telling you now rather than stringing her along.

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6 year olds Families General parenting

Whosorrynow · 17/08/2019 13:47

There is no mutually acceptable compromise to this problem
it is a stalemate situation

Ravingstarfish · 17/08/2019 13:56

At the moment that’s how he feels and you know that sometimes you feel broody and other times not. He might change his mind next year, you might change yours. Is it worth throwing away 9 years, breaking up the family, the upheaval for your child for ‘I might want another child in the future’ ?
Maybe it’s worth having a good conversation and agreeing to keep communication open about it.

Rachelover40 · 17/08/2019 14:05

I feel sorry for you, LABF, and can understand how disappointed you are right now but you say you love the man. If you love someone that much, surely your relationship with him is more important than having another child? He probably has good reasons, or reasons that seem good to him, and you do have a child which is a blessing.

I only had one child; intended to have at least one more but other things intervened and I didn't. I haven't regretted it at all and my only child is a star.

I like what Ravingstarfish said, above.

Vasya · 17/08/2019 14:22

If you don't even know if you definitely want another child, is it worth breaking up your family over?

Even if you left him, you might not have another child. Or you might stay with him and decide you don't actually want a child yourself in time.

I don't think you should rush into anything. It seems like you aren't even sure what you want - it's not a lot to end an otherwise happy marriage over, or to break up your family for.

Original poster

LABF · 17/08/2019 14:35

Thank you so much for your advice. Sometimes you need to hear people’s opinions who know nothing of you and your life and relationship. All I wanted was for him to not completely dismiss the idea of possibly having children in the future. He seems willing to compromise the whole relationship by being dead certain never ever wanting another child. He says he loves me and our daughter and wants to buy a house but really can’t even consider possibly another child in the future. I think I have to possibly end the relationship. Maybe I’ll always be thinking what if? And maybe I’ll end up resenting him. I could marry this man and he may never change his mind and maybe I’ll really want a baby in a few years....

OP posts:

Shplot · 17/08/2019 15:45

Maybe you’ll really not want a baby in a few years. You say you love him but you’re happy to break up a happy long term relationship, not to mention the effects on your child for a lot of what ifs.

Ravingstarfish · 17/08/2019 15:54

What are his reasons for not wanting another?

Vasya · 17/08/2019 17:34

Or maybe you break up and never meet someone else you want to have a baby with. I really think you have to seriously consider if it's worth it. You don't even know if you want a baby yourself but you would throw a happy relationship away (and break up your daughter's family) because he knows he doesn't? It just seems mad to me.

LetsSplashMummy · 17/08/2019 20:31

You're feeling a little blindsided, don't make any serious decisions right now. Take a bit of time and work through these thoughts, talk to him again on a more even footing once you're head is straight and then decide what is important. Don't threaten to leave unless you are serious, it will drag you into a dramatic power struggle.

You could end up spending a lot less time with your DD, as you'll share custody, because you were worried you might get broody at some point? It isn't kind to anyone in your family to break it up over this hypothetical want, least of all yourself.

Rachelover40 · 18/08/2019 02:03

LABF, if your relationship has been good I don't understand why you feel you have to leave him. It's not as if you don't have a child.

Yes you could meet someone else and set up home but it isn't that easy to find the 'right' person to settle down with and there is also the possibility that he might not be able to father a child. What would you do then?

I'm really sorry you're feeling like this; perhaps give the subject a rest for a while. Your partner has plans for buying a home, etc, and probably can't think far beyond that at the moment. It doesn't sound as though he is being selfish.

However, you have to work out whether you really love him, I mean 'for keeps'. Considering leaving him sounds as though you don't, please forgive me if I'm wrong, I'm just assessing what you have said.

What LetsSplashMummy said, above, is better and more concise than I've managed!

Chin up LABF

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 18/08/2019 10:40

If you loved him and saw him as your future then the thought of leaving wouldn’t have crossed your mind.

If another baby means more than him, then leave so he can find someone who wants him for him not for what he can provide.

HeadintheiClouds · 18/08/2019 10:46

He seems willing to compromise the whole relationship by being dead certain never ever wanting another child.
No, he’s just dead certain he doesn’t want another child. You seem to think how he feels should be tempered by what you want. It really doesn’t work that way.

TwinkleStars15 · 18/08/2019 12:50

I really think you need to think about your existing child; she’s 6 and a split would have big implications for her. My parents split when my brother was 8, I was 6 and my sister was 1 - we all struggled with it but my brother in particular and he still has issues now, at 30+. I think your underestimating the impact this could have on her.

Imagine when she’s 15/16 and she asks why you split up? And you tell her it’s because you thought you might want another child one day but dad didn’t. I can’t imagine she’s going to understand breaking up her family, having weekends with dad, split Christmas’ etc was worth that?

When you’re a parent, you put your child first, no matter what. Don’t get me wrong, if I were in your situation I would be gutted too (my daughter is 2 and I’d love another) but I’d 100% prioritise my child and her needs above my need to have another.

There’s so many other things to consider. You might not be able to have any more children. The next man you meet might be infertile. You might find someone and have a baby, then you break up. I really can’t understand your thinking if I’m honest. Maybe some counselling would help you? Talk things through.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 18/08/2019 13:10

Imagine when she’s 15/16 and she asks why you split up? And you tell her it’s because you thought you might want another child one day but dad didn’t

She may also take it that she wasn’t good enough alone and you needed more.

It’s going to be very hard for her as her life will turn upside down for your wants.

WaitingInTheBushesOfLove · 18/08/2019 13:36

You mention the 'what ifs', OP. The thing is the possibilities are endless. What if you had never met your current partner. What if you never had DD. What if you were born in a different country to different parents.What if, what if, what if. We could ALL spend an eternity wondering what if this and what if that. I know i often wonder what if my parents never divorced would i be how i am today? I will never know the answer but that's life.
Look at your current situation and the present.
Are there any other problems in your relationship?Is he a good dad to your DD and a partner to you? If yes, it sounds irresponsible and selfish breaking up your DD's family for an imaginary child that might or might not happen.
And since you wonder of the what ifs.
-what if your second child is born with special needs? It will be hard, consume all your time, put a strain to your relationship with your new partner etc etc
-what if you struggle getting pregnant or can't get pregnant
-what if you can't find someone you want to have a child with
-what if you do find someone, have a child and they mistreat you or DD, cheat on you, make your life a misery
-what if your DD hates every man you bring in her life. You will tell her to suck it up because your clock is ticking?
-what if you regret your decision and want to get back with Ex partner but he has found someone else and is in love and happy. Can you cope with that knowledge?

Don't make any rushed decisions.

DonnaDarko · 18/08/2019 13:40

He seems willing to compromise the whole relationship by being dead certain never ever wanting another child

No, he's telling you the truth and you just don't want to accept it.

His reasons don't matter, he doesn't want another child. Either accept it or move on if you want to, but that's no guarantee of having another is it.

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