I can’t cope with my naughty children and my skint husband.

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I can’t cope with my naughty children and my skint husband.

I’m a stay at home mum, not out of choice but because childcare is too expensive. If I worked I basically would be paying to go to work. I really solely on my self employed husband who is so blasé about money it infuriates me. He basically puts his head in the sand about our finances and keeps me on a need to know basis. He has on several occasions plunged us in to debt and continues to do so. I currently have two holidays booked that we can no way afford. He told me at the time of booking that we could afford them and now we are so skint I can’t take the kids out or buy any food for the next week. It the summer holidays! They are 10, 5 and 2.

I’ve kept the kids indoors for 4 days to save money and they are driving me mad.

Today my 4 year old got a sharpie and drew on our sofa, herself and my 2 year old daughter. I have to hide all food treats because they eat them all in one go and they are constantly climbing in the cupboards to find them. After the sharpie incident I let them do some crafting unattended whilst I cleaned another room and they pretty much destroyed the kitchen. I couldn’t bear to be in the same room as them - I just needed to be away from them. My husband came in from work and started moaning about the mess and lack of supervision - he is right but I can’t cope. He works long hours and comes home and spends all evening in his office whilst I feel overwhelmed and struggle to get them to bed.

I have managed to get a bit of an evening routine together lately whereby they get to bed but tonight my husband put the two youngest children in the bath then left them to sleep in the same room. Stupid idea - they will never sleep together. He then went to bed. I was left to try and get them to sleep apart - unsuccessfully. I went upstairs for the hundredth time to separate them, followed by much screaming, I let them go together. I came up again to find them attempting to smear shampoo over themselves and the bed. I took everything away and shouted at them to go to sleep. I came downstairs and heard them speaking again - I shouted “go to bed”. My husband then woke up and started swearing at me and told me I’m the worst mother in the world. I literally want to pack my bags and leave him to it or jump off a bridge.

Sounds like a right kerfuddle you're in! I know it's hard but try introduce some structure and discipline with the wee ones. It will be tough at first but you need to remember you're the mum here! You decide what happens.

If you're feeling really low about it speak to a doctor.

You'll find the strength to deal with it all somehow. ❤️

Ps - tell you're husband he's a riot and you're struggling with everything. You need his support, not him laying into you!

You need time away from them. Even a walk in the evening or something. Plus you sound like you miss/need some work. Tell your dh you're wrecked and are in bits. The kids are taking advantage because they know this. You're not a bad mother, take this from someone who has been at the end of her tether. Keep them occupied by helping you e.g. folding or taking out clothes, helping put away spoons etc, play games as well. At certain times of the day put the tv on for a while and take a breath.

Thanks - I basically need to get my shit together and except that I've got to do it on my own!

Aww. That sounds tough.
You can do free stuff outside, small kids need exercise!
Mine used to love scavenger hunts (I would give them a list of things to find, like a snail shell, a white feather, 3 different leaves). If they can't read you can either draw pictures for them to match or find some objects to sellotape down and they have to find another one. The eldest can have a longer, harder list than the youngest! You can make a simple picnic with jam sandwiches and squash and go to the park. The 10 and 5 year old Might enjoy making a den in the garden, use old blankets or sheets and a clothes horse. They could "paint" the house with old paintbrushes and a bucket of water, this works well on concrete driveways or patios. As do chalks. The oldest could have a challenge to find and identify 5 different leaves from trees, or collect flowers to press in a heavy book or books (put the flowers in between 2 pieces of kitchen roll, leave them a week, then make pictures).

We used to make pictures on cardboard using flour and water paste and bits of pasta/lentils/ rice/ dry beans , the two year old might like that, or potato printing (cut shapes into halved potatoes, dip in paints).

In the longer term you have a bigger problem, but one or two of these ideas might get you through the next few days very cheaply...

Your partner sounds bloody useless

There are plenty of free places.

The park, the library, the hospital, the woods, the river, airport/ train station/ Ikea

Look up ‘free activities’ in your area

That’s not a life that’s an existence!

The hospital?! Who takes their children to the hospital as a summer holiday activity?! 😳.

Witches - the hospital?!?

the hospital*, the woods, the river, airport/ train station/ Ikea

Look up ‘free activities’ in your area*

I'm sorry what? Take the kids to a hospital for a free activity?
Play "see who can catch the most germs"?
Bizarre.

You need to get the kids to burn some energy off, park, walk etc. Staying in isn't helping any of you.

Your DH needs to get on board.

Have you looked at UC - you might be surprised about childcare you can claim back

The park, libraries and free museums are all brilliant. The latter two generally make huge efforts to engage children, its not like the museums and libraries of years ago. There will be free events and activities around your local town too, just check online or ring the nearest tourist office.
At a particularly low point money wise, I used to take mine on "mystery tours", this was any old shit given a very creative spin with a bag of crisps and a can of fizzy pop thrown in as the final touch. My eldest never twigged. She was 10.

Your husband sounds monumentally shit. If you're planning on staying with him despite the financial issues he's creating, my advice would be to go back to work. He needs to pay half of childcare. It's not your childcare, they are both your children. He pays half and then at least you can manage the rest of your income and know where it's going.

You also need to have a proper chat to him about managing finances and transparency.

Childcare would probably do your kids some good. Give you a break and burn off some energy.

If my dh ever swore at me and told me I was a bad mum we'd be getting divorced. He sounds terrible.

The two oldest will be in school soon and once the two year old turns 3 you will get 30 hours nursery funding. It will pay to work very soon.

It sounds like you need a break. You need a bit me time every day to refresh and recharge. Everybody does. Your husband gets to clock off from work and I bet he gets a lunch break too. When do you get to clock off? As soon as he walks in the door walk out the door and give yourself a couple of hours of you time. Tell him you're running an errand and will be back soon, don't even wait for a reply. Do this for as long as you need to recharge and gain some strength then have a serious conversation with your husband about fair division of parental responsibilities, household chores and maintenance, greater transparency and consultation with finances, development of a supportive relationship with mutual respect and respectful communication (no name calling or insults). Also a fair division of rest and recreation for you and your husband. You deserve some time to yourself as much as he does.

If he can't respect you or accommodate your needs or work with you as a team, or help out more with the kids, then you have a decision to make on what is best for you and your children.

I hope it all works out for you and you get some well deserved self care.

The advice you have had here is excellent. Apart from the hospital, but I am guessing that must be a mistake???
I used to be in the park at 8am sometimes.
We did all free activities because we couldn't afford anything else.
But my dc walked miles!
Routine, exercise, cheap picnics. A small rucksack each for their food and a bottle of water. You can fit quite a lot on a buggy. A plastic sheet to sit on. Back home after lunch for a short rest, out again for the afternoon. Tea at 5, start bed time at 6. After 2 or 3 days they will be so tired they will sleep.

Are you able to keep track of the finances?
Personally I wouldn't book holidays when the dc are so young. We didn't have holidays until they were around 8/ 10 because they got unsettled away from home/ routine.
The free stuff and out every day was easier all round.

I think long term you need to make some changes. Your DH should pay his part of the childcare and do his share of the evening routine. He also needs to spend time with his own children so you get some time for yourself. It can be really isolating being home with kids all the time. Whilst you might not earn loads working because of childcare, working has social benefits.

The uncertainties about money sound stressful. Do you have a joint account so you can both monitor the expenses? Maybe sit down together to budget. However you do it, you need more transparency.

Here's an idea - could you make more than him by working? How about he stays home and manages the house and kids and you go to work? Since he has his own business he can probably do it part time - let him work a little in the evenings and on the weekends if he wants to but you take care of the majority of the household income.

I would be willing to bet he isn't " working" all the time he is closeted in the office. He seems to have no interest in his family.

I took ds to. The park at 6 am once as he'd been up since 4 and it was that or murder.
It help. He totteres about and slept.
Big hugs BTW. Your doing your best.
Could you work on weekends and he have kids all weekend? Bet he'd stop maoning about finances then and I find work restful!

For the last few years I've paid masses in childcare and sometimes it has felt a bit "is this worth it?"
But it's been good for my sanity and mental health and feeling of self worth.
I would go back to work, it has to be better than how life is now.

I will definitely return to work as soon as it is financially worth it but It will have to be a career change as my pre children job doesn't fit around childcare. I'm already planning my escape. I'll just have to ride the wave until then. We don't have joint accounts. As I said, I'm on a need to know basis. However I do manage all the household bills, I know what goes out just not what's coming in.

It's not normally this bad because they're at school but the summer holidays are driving me over the edge. Every time my back is turned the middle child is trying to destroy something.

The complete lack of support from DH makes me question the point of this "partnership". Instead of recognising I'm unable to cope and taking over it seems to enrage him and he takes the opportunity to criticise me as a mother. "I blame you for their behaviour - you're their main care provider".

God, he sounds horrible.
I would do the absolute minimum for him, just concentrate on yourself and the children. You should have a joint account for family/household money. You are doing your share of the family work, just unpaid. Did he not agree to have children? What kind of man refuses to tell his partner, the mother of his children, how much money is coming into the family, but then expects her to do the budget?