Moral quandary

[Carty76]

I apologise now for how complicated this may read! My DD will be 5 on Monday which we’re so excited for! We have a bit of a problem in the form of my ‘Dad’. Long story but parents split when I was young and from that I have always had a strained relationship with him. He abused my mum in so many ways and had the morals of an alley cat. Fast forward to now, he’s never made any kind of effort to see my daughter, it was always me wanting to do the right thing for her sake and took her to see him. This went on until we lost our youngest daughter in September 2017. He didn’t even bother coming to see us and hasn’t seen we eldest daugher since August 2017. He continues to send birthday and Christmas presents which I just don’t want to accept. Another thing to add is that my sister continues to see him, despite knowing what he’s like. It that’s her choice, and he’s always lavished love on both of my nieces who are currently staying with us for a few days. They are due to see him tomorrow and the 13 year old keeps on saying to my DD that they are going to see Grandad which my DD automatically questions.

My question is, do I explain to in very black and white terms that he is also her Grabdad but we don’t see him? And if he sends a present back with my nieces for her, would I be a complete tosspot to send it back?

He has let me down all of my life, even when I had to bury my own child which in my eyes in unforgivable but I can deal with him doing so, I do however refuse to let him hurt my DD or let her down.

Thoughts would be appreciated...

I’m very sorry for the loss of your little one. I’d be black and white I think, in simple terms. ‘Grandad has done some things that are not kind, and we don’t let people keep hurting us, so we don’t see him any more’. Depends how much you feel you want to say but you could prepare a couple of examples of unkind things he has done that you feel she could understand, for if she asks for details. You also may need to explain that your sister has decided to let her kids see him, but ‘I don’t agree that’s the best thing for you, and it’s my job to make sure people don’t do things that really upset you’. Etc. I’d have a conversation like that with my 3.5yr old tbh, but she is very inquisitive! And sometimes I say too much and things play on her mind, but mostly I think she is able to grasp concepts around other people’s behaviour sometimes not being acceptable, and think it’s good to demonstrate to children that we can hold our boundaries without getting really angry and fighting.

You’ve pretty much said what I was thinking of doing. I’ve always believed in being honest with her but obviously not to the point of confusing or upsetting her.

That’s good if asking the question has helped you feel more confident in your instincts. It’s easy for me to trot out what I ‘would’ say, but I would imagine this is such a painful and challenging situation to know the best thing. You know and love your DD more than anyone, I’m sure you will say exactly the right things and support her well with this issue as she grows.