I feel like a failure as a FTM

[DHW1]

This is my first post on here - I am hoping for a little advice.

I am a FTM to a beautiful 7 week DD. I was so excited for the birth of my DD and had a vision of what motherhood would be like - in reality I have found the experience much tougher than I ever could have imagined and feel like I am struggling to be the Mam she deserves. I find I worry about absolutely everything, to the point where I feel anxious even holding or changing her as I am so worried I am going to accidentally hurt her. For example it takes me a good 15 minutes to put her vest on as I worry I am going to hurt her head. I feel like I have “near misses” almost every day which when I look online appears to happen to other people once in a blue moon - an example being my DDs head has flopped back on more than one occasion - she is an active, stretchy baby and sometimes even when holding her carefully she can stretch back unexpectedly and her head will flop back before I can catch it.

In reality I am probably too careful with the baby and this makes me stress more than if I relaxed.

This anxiety started early on - we had to take her to hospital on day 3 as she choked on some mucus, I then got a cold sore the next day and obsessed with her getting the herpes virus for a good two weeks after that. Since then I worry about her getting every illness/injury under the sun and unfortunately thanks to “researching” online I manage to convince myself she has a particular injury/illness from the smallest of things (example she slept longer than expected so must be ill). The problem I have now though is this is stopping me from enjoying this precious time with my daughter - I can’t even bring myself to leave the house during the week as I am so anxious something may happen when we are out. I sometimes wish I could run away for a few months and come back when she is less fragile. I have spoken to the doctor about how I feel however, he thinks this is baby blues that will pass in time.

I am lucky as my DH is great with DD and has settled into parenthood effortlessly however, I am hoping I too get past this phase so I can be the parent my LO deserves. I look after her fine (she’s well fed, clean and looked after) however, I want to relax so we can enjoy classes together or even just a walk in the park.

I appreciate this is a rambling post however, I am posting on here as I am hoping I am not alone and that others have felt this way before and have positive stories of coming out of this from the other side.

I think this is quite common for new mums. I have an 8 day old and it is terrifying being responsible for this tiny helpless human!

Firstly, try not to worry about hurting the baby. They really are way more robust than you think. I was shocked when about an hour after birth, the midwife came in to help dress my baby and she was handling her like a rugby ball! Yes you need to be careful of her head falling back but as long as it’s not snapping back with force or banging anything she’ll be fine. DD is a wriggler and I’ve had a few occasions where she’s chucked her head back (when I’ve been carrying her against my chest for example) but these things happen and no harm done. Don’t beat yourself up over it.

Secondly, stop Googling stuff. I know it’s really hard but unless your baby is showing signs of being unwell, stay off the internet as it will just fill your head with ‘what ifs’ and will only add to your anxiety. If you’re concerned about any symptoms, call 111 or your GP for advice rather than going online.

Have you spoken to you husband about your feelings? Or family, or even your GP? Don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it. It may be that you’re suffering from post natal depression so please speak to s professional who will be able to diagnose and help you.

You sound like you are doing an amazing job with your little one and it’s sad that your anxiety is ruining this time with your daughter. Please try not to worry, she will be absolutely fine. Motherhood as I’m finding out is really really hard but talking really helps. I wish you the best of luck!

I'd go back to your GP or speak to your HV - not going out because your scared something will happen sounds like anxiety that's gotten on top of you. It's really hard when the days are long and you're exhausted. You should speak to your DH as well - my husband always looked really comfortable with our DS but I soon discovered he didn't have a clue and was as petrified as I was.

Babies are surprisingly robust, and once you're a few months down the line and she's whacking her head off door frames trying to stand up you'll wonder why you worried.

I really would stop worrying and give yourself some credit.
Firstly you have just created and carried a little human for good part of 10 months and now expected to just know what your doing and second guess everythinf.
I can assure you this is the same with most if not all new mothers. I have 3 children my youngest is 4 months and I was still like a fish out of water when he was born.
I can tell you that they aren't as fragile as they look, try and relax even though that can be physically and mentally impossible when your adjusting to your new lifestyle, lack of sleep will also make u anxious and question your own judgement.
Your not on your own and the little worrying niggles continue regardless of their age. I think as a parent it's natural to be concerned if your making the right decisions but you more than likely are....
I've suffered with cold sores and always worry to pass them onto children and babies but as of yet nothing with the 3 and my eldest is almost 10.
Youll be fine. Give yourself some credit!!! And congratulations

And second what @FiveFarthings said.... Its probably best not to Google things people portray that things are better than they actually are online... And this will do nothing for your confidence.

Thanks for the kind messages - it’s nice to see that I am not alone with how I am feeling. I think I will go back to doctors - HV thinks I need some help, unfortunately doctor I saw last week was reluctant to say this was anything other than baby blues as its still early days! Will go back though and speak to them again