My 3 year old threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t give him his pirate T-shirt

[Imbananas]

I don’t know what to do...he’s still crying!!!!
He’s been crying for the last hour because I wouldn’t give him his pirate T-shirt.
The T-shirt he wants is dirty ... and even if it was clean I wouldn’t give it to him at this time.
He slept from 4 to 6 today as he couldn’t fall asleep earlier and now all hell broke loose.
He’s shouting and screaming and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.
I don’t want to give in to his demands but at the same time I want him to stop screaming. 🤦🏻‍♀️🙄

I'm another one saying choose your battles. Try taking your son out to choose a couple more tee shirts that he really likes as well (even if they are more spiderman or dinosaur ones) so that you aren't as pressured with the laundry.

Don't feel bad. A massive tantrum is an unacceptable response to disappointment. You have taken a stand, a stand that is not unreasonable, and even if it were his response should result in denial of the original demand. Never ever no matter what give in to a tantrum.

You can't back down now on this issue today. Tomorrow is another day though.

One of mine had a massive tantrum for hours about dodos being extinct. I was unable to bring them out of extinction so could not cave. Similar situation with another child and there being no biscuits left.

My 2yr 3mo ds hit the tshirt stage this week 🤦🏻‍♀️ I remember it well from my dd. This too shall pass!

I let him pick himself a couple of cheap t-shirts in the shop the other day so he's got 4 he'll wear now!

Does it impact on your day if he wears a t shirt of his choosing?

Nope

Does it impact on his day? Yes and in a positive way.

Give him the choice and extend his boundaries. He will then know that when you say no you mean no.

“Never ever no matter what give in to a tantrum.”

I know that’s the standard advice, but I really don’t agree with it. If a child feels incredibly strongly about something that really doesn’t matter, what’s wrong with letting them have their way? Doesn’t that show them that they are being heard and that their opinions and wishes matter, and if you can, you will let them have what they want? And therefore, by extension, if you don’t give them what they want it’s because you can’t so there’s no point making a fuss.

I agree with IndecisiveLurcher in your position I’d get down next to him and calmly suggest that tomorrow you can both go to the supermarket and he can choose 2 more T-shirts as you r struggling to wash his 2 favourites. If he’s still upset get him to help you wash one of the T-shirt’s and hang it in his room to dry where he can see it’s ready for the morning. You r not giving in then rather finding a solution to both his problem and your problem. He may even learn some problem solving and negotiation tools from the discussion

I see your point Bertrand but I do feel that there is a way to express anger and disappointment. A tantrum isn't one of the ways I will ever treat as way to get what you want.

I am perhaps a bit hardcore as I have a couple of adult family members who regularly tantrum to get their own way. No way am I letting my lot grow up thinking it's a useful tactic.

The flip side is that I will often back down more easily than other parents in the face of polite attempts at reason or some kind of deal making. When little that was especially true if one of them had had a recent tantrum. They little buggers soon learned that when one had had a melt down that was a good time to request politely something we might be on the fence about allowing.

My DD is 11 and she still has two T shirts she likes to wear all the time while ignoring the rest of her wardrobe!

Regarding tantrums, I think the key thing is timing. Once you have firmly said no, don’t back down. BUT try to say yes in the first place (or very soon after your initial response) if it’s something fairly harmless.

I think it depends on age too. A 2-3 year old’s tantrum is a very different thing to an 8 year old’s. And I really don’t see a problem with saying to the 2-3 year old “I didn’t realise how important this was to you- of course you can have the pirate t shirt” you can still say on another occasion “No, you can’t play with the hedge trimmer because I don’t want you to hurt yourself”

I would go and give a cuddle if still crying . He will now be exhausted .

Whether you should or shouldn’t give the t shirt is not the point . There are many different ways to parent a child but now needs calming down and sleep.

We had exactly this very recently, except I really couldn’t give him his t shirt back because he’d pissed on it!

I can’t remember what we did, distract distract distract I think.

It’s easy to 'pick your battles' with hindsight, sometimes you didn’t realise it was something that would turn into a battle!

I’m assuming the tantrum in question is long over- and we’re now talking about tantrums in general?

Good morning everyone and thank you for your advices.
Yes the tantrum is over. He calmed down.
I tried cuddling distracting ignoring nothing worked for a while then he just calmed down on his own.
He is now wearing his pirate T-shirt and he is happy. Next time I won’t fight him over a T-shirt though. It’s not worth the hassle, the energy and the stress. Will go with him to the shop to buy some T-shirts he likes as well. This way I hope to avoid this in the future.

Well done @imbananas! I've got another top tip from the land of tshirt battles here, I've started changing his tshirt at bedtime to the one he'll be wearing the next day. Then we only have this issue once in 24hrs! Ha!

sometimes is helpful to verbalize how they're feeling with the same force they are feeling. "you really want to wear your pirate t shirt, only that one will do! you're really angry/upset that it's dirty and mummy said it need a wash first!"

"that's sad when you can't have something you want. You can have it tomorrow when its clean! would you like to put it in the washing machine so we make sure it's clean tomorrow?

I used to have battles over clothes with DD. In the end I just let her pick what she wants from the shops and I never 'make' her wear anything she doesn't want. We don't really have any issues now and she's started wearing a wider range of clothes.👍