Scared of passing on poor parenting?

[Nancyjuice7]

This might not resinate with a lot of people but hoping to find others who have been through similar.
I had quiet a poor upbringing, my parents had me very young albeit married and my mothers parenting my unpredictable and my fathers absent.
I was often smacked as a child, out of anger from my mum and the rules would change very week. I grew up with a troubled relationship with her and even now it is only “stable” because we live 100 miles apart. Still as an adult I can’t shake some resentment as I’ve matured and met ex-partners and now current partners parents who are amazing. I feel I was never put first as a child.
Anyways me and my partner have a dog - not the same but has opened up parenting feelings for me. And are looking at TTC in the next few years, I am scared, if not petrified of becoming my mother and repeating the same mistakes.
I’m desperate of being a good mum and I have this constant fear that history will repeat itself. Is this normal? Does anyone feel this?

I had a similar feelings when young about careers as my mum barely worked and have since became quiet successful due to wanting to absolutely not be like her. I’m hoping this transition into parenting but I’m scared that I have never seen or learnt “good parenting” first hand.

Basically what I’m asking is, did anyone have a shitty upbringing, have these fears but turn out a good mum?

I think if you have consciously examined the issues that you have faced due to your own upbringing you are unlikely to pass on those negative ways of parenting. I know why my parents treated me as they did, and it was misguided rather than malicious - I don't hold it against them, but becoming a parent myself did bring up a lot of difficult emotions as I tried to reconcile what they did with how I felt about my own baby. I am actively avoiding some of the things they did, and emulating others - it's a balance. But we will all fuck our DC up somehow, just differently to how our parents did.

My friends family was pretty horrible when she was growing up. Her dad was abusive to her mum and her mum was abusive to them, plus had a golden child/ black sheep thing going on as well with her and her sister, later they had a very harsh step dad in the mix too. She now lives a long way from her family.
She is one of the best mums I know and has a lovely warm relationship with her husband and children, she does agonise about decisions and second guess herself a lot, I think because she is making things up rather than drawing on experience of good parenting, but she is definitely not passing on poor parenting.
I think the fact you are thinking about it and recognising what healthy families look like means you will be fine,

Just to add that for my friend her children reaching certain ages, has triggered some uncomfortable feelings about her past ( a lot of which she had buried) in that she can see herself at certain ages and feels very let down that she wasn't loved and parented in the ways she loves and shows she loves her children now.
You might find talking to someone helpful about your childhood, if you think this might happen.

Something you said “I was never put first” is literally at the heart of all of my issues as a adult, so I completely hear what you’re saying.

In truth- having my son 3 years ago opened up the floodgates on a pretty shitty childhood, and I developed post natal anxiety as a result of complex ptsd. I’ve been in therapy for 2.5 years and am finally starting to feel like I’m “getting free” of my
Childhood.

I’m in therapy because I don’t want to pass on inherited and personal trauma, and I certainly want to be a better parent than
my own. That’s where most of the work is, for me.

My advice would be to see a therapist now, before you have a baby. Raising a baby (alone) and “fixing” myself simultaneously has been hard going- but worth it.

@RushianDisney ha I suppose that’s a good way of looking at it! How do you find the balance of what to avoid and what you find yourself doing?

@Allthebubbles I guess I’m worried that when I’m feeling emotional after having a baby that these feelings might deepen and I might feel worse? I feel a level of shame to admit I don’t agree with how I was brought up as some people think we should respect our parents but I find that hard. Did your friend find talking therapies useful?

@TheSheepofWallSt I’m so sorry if that was triggering for you, but i hope you find some peace in knowing someone feels the same, as I just have.

What you’ve wrote is my complete fear as I have a fear of it now and I worry about it now, before even conceiving so I worry with a child in my arms it would add to the recent as I’d feel those mother emotions and wonder why they weren’t felt that strong or shown to me?

@Nancyjuice7

Not triggered at all- just emoting. Just wanted you to know that you’re heard, and you’re understood, and you’re not alone.

The other thing to forewarn you, is that you may hold yourself to impossible standards- because you’re trying never to “hurt” your child, or let them feel as you felt, even for a second.

Tonight for example, I was cooking dinner (hot roast, boiling water etc etc.) DS is almost 3 and was pulling at the back of my jumper, trying to rub the skin of my tummy (his comfort/ tired thing) and generally underfoot. At one point I untangled his hand from my jumper and gently pushed him backwards so he was away from a spitting pan of fat.

He cried and said “you pushed me away!” And my heart absolutely broke. I felt horrid- mean and thoughtless. Like, it literally floors me, when he feels like I’m being unkind- even if it’s to stop him becoming an awful daily mail “injured child” story,

And it’s because I adore his very bones- and I can’t understand how my mother allowed the things that happened to and around me to happen (trivial example- my abusive stepfather sent me from the dinner table for laughing too loudly at Christmas, for example. I was 8)- without her heart breaking? And I can only think it’s that I wasn’t loved.

So I understand. I so so understand. But I also know that despite everything, and despite second guessing of myself, and feeling like shit when I’m just doing “normal parenting” - I know deep down I’m an incredible mum. DS is my heart and my soul- and knows it.
And you will be too- women like us are. Because we know what we needed, and we strive to give that to our children.

But do see someone, to talk this through. You’ll feel better for it- regardless of having. Baby now, in 10 years, or never.

@TheSheepofWallSt

Thank you so so much for such a beautiful post. I feel understood completely, and that in itself is a lovely feeling.

I have had similar feelings - absolutely not the same but our dog tries to get in between me and my partner when we hug, he pushed him away the other night and the dog somehow looked upset by this. It broke my heart and I felt physical pain in my heart for him and grabbed him straight away. And he’s a bloody dog! So I get the feeling you felt to some small degree as i don’t want others to feel the pain of rejection that I felt and know so well.
I work with ex-offenders now and I sometimes think is that because I want to support the rejected and the under dog? I feel a lot of emotion at work now, and I think that worries me too that if (hopefully when) I have children that if I feel emotional at work and the come home and feel emotional once more it will overwhelm me.

I think you’re an amazing mum by what you’ve wrote and so in tune to emotions and that only serve you so well. I hope you heel and I hope we end the chain x

I had a very abusive childhood and completely get where you’re coming from OP except now that I have a dc I am better in every single way. Not least because I take a step back and remember how awful it was to be treated in that way and I never want my dc to feel the way I did.

I’m nc with my entire family and just moved away from them all. It’s extremely liberating. Feel like I can raise dc exactly the way I feel is appropriate and I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised what a good job you’ll do. Personally anyway for me it’s made me a better parent.

Nancyjuice7 I think my friend felt similarly to you. It's hard to say your parents weren't good at parenting. It was when her daughter( who is very like her in looks and personality) was about 3 that she looked at her and thought how could someone have been so harsh to me. Yes, she did benefit from talking to someone. I don't think she had many sessions but it helped.

I had a very abusive childhood, recognised it as such and made the very conscious choice to parent in a completely different way. My DC are on the cusp of adulthood now (well, technically one has made it already) and we get on really well. I never hit either of them and didn't let them run wild either. I managed to find a middle way. I know I've made mistakes, but I was never abusive or even mean!

It sounds as though you recognise your childhood for exactly what it was @Nancyjuice7 and that is half the battle.