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Original poster

How do I tell my son that his dad doesn't want to see him?

20 replies

AspergersMumm · 11/08/2019 08:32

I had a fling in 2012 and got pregnant. The father was great, he always paid maintenance without issue, has always picked our son up every other weekend, and we even got on enough that we would take it son out together on days out to the zoo etc. However, for the last few months he's been really rude to me - refusing to talk, ignoring my texts, and even slamming doors in my face when I say goodbye. I've been asking him repeatedly what the issue is and he ignores me. My son then tells me that his dad has a new girlfriend and I realise that it must be her that's making him act this way. He's started skipping weekends with our son now and in 7 weekends he's only had him once. I sent him quite a stern, but not horrible, text asking basically what the heck is going on?!? And he replies that he hates me, he always has but has just pretended to like me.... for 6 years?! This has upset me so much; I spent the whole night crying. After a lot of texting back and forth trying to figure things out he has now said he only wants to see our son once a month and has cancelled the weeks holiday he had planned with him. I asked why and he just said "things change". I then said he either carries on seeing him like normal or not at all and I haven't heard from him since. It's been a month now and my son is asking when he'll see his dad next and talks about him a lot and I just don't know what to say to him. How can I tell him his dad is not interested anymore?

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 11/08/2019 08:39

I would tell your son that his Dad is unwell...not in his body but in his mind. Tell him this is not the sort of illness people die from but it is the sort of illnes that makes them act in a new and not-nice way.

Tell your son that because his Dad has this illness, he's chosen not to see your son for some time because neither he nor you want him to be afraid or unhappy.

I know this is a lie...but it's better than "your Dad's a bastard" or "Your Dad doesn't like us anymore"

If he does crop up again which he may well do...if his relationship breaks down for example, then you'll have to decide if you want him to see your son again then.

AuntieStella · 11/08/2019 08:47

Do not tell your DS that his father is ill unless you know it to be the truth. You can be an arse without being ill.

It is a remarkable volte face.

Can your DS call him to ask? He will need your support around the time of the calls, but as there is no reply to your communications, it's the only thing left to try, unless you have a reliable mutual friend who wouid be prepared to broker a new agreement.

Did you send the message about 'normal or not at all' in writing? If so, always remember that he might have kept it, and it will unfortunately look to third parties as if you are the one who requested the cessation.

Fatted · 11/08/2019 08:49

Reading between the lines it does sound like your relationship has been a lot more complicated than it needed to be. You both still spent a lot of time together and you mention in your OP you cried because he doesn't want to see you and was pretending to like you. Not because he doesn't want to see his son. I think you need to separate your relationship with him from his relationship with his son.

I'd keep it amicable with your son. Tell him you're sorry, daddy has a lot on right now and can't see him. But he will see him when he's ready.

Send an olive branch to his dad. Tell him his son wants to see him and has been asking after him. Offer an arrangement where your son goes to see his dad without you being involved. It it's only once a month right now then so be it.

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BakedBeeeen · 11/08/2019 11:15

I agree with what fatted said ^^

Whosorrynow · 11/08/2019 11:23

This father is not behaving like a responsible adult does he not understand that it's unfair and cruel to treat his own child like this?

Original poster
AspergersMumm · 11/08/2019 15:47

@Fatted there is nothing more to my relationship with his dad. There has never been any romantic feelings between us which was why things always worked nicely. I live with my boyfriend who I have been with for 2 years. I'm an emotional person and struggle with depression. I grew up with abusive parents who told me I was horrible and they wish I had never been born. So as an adult, when someone tells me they dislike me despite trying to be a nice person all the time, it hits me hard.

I just can't get my head around how he can apparently pretend to like me for 6 years, suddenly decide he hates me, and also decides that he doesn't want to see him son as much... they had a week holiday in Ireland planned, I even bought the passport! All cancelled. And for what?

OP posts:
PumpkinP · 15/08/2019 01:37

Definitely don’t tell him that his dad is ill, he needs to know the truth why protect your ex by saying he is ill, he will build it up in his head To be something he isn’t. He deserves to know what kind of man his father is so I would tell him the truth in an age appropriate way. I’ve told my children the truth about their absent father they need to know what a waste of space he is.

Loulz · 15/08/2019 02:43

Please don't go along the lines of what PumpkinP said. Your son needs the opportunity of having a good relationship with his dad, and that includes you keeping a bit impartial.

My dad fucked me and my brother up with a similar situation, take it from someone who knows and has felt monumentally let down... Don't make excuses but tell your son he can't see him for a little while but he loves him. And get the bastard told, try your best to keep the relationship between them even if you have to remove yourself.

Your poor poor son Sad I know it's hard, Flowers to you

PumpkinP · 15/08/2019 12:48

Everyone I’ve spoken to about my kids absent father recommends telling them the truth. Kids shouldn’t think this is what love is so although I can see your point I would drop the “but he loves you” part.

Teddybear45 · 15/08/2019 12:52

You need to be honest. Just say you don’t know why he doesn’t want to see DS but you are trying to find out why. Lying to a school aged child never ends well - if you don’t say the truth he’ll get some version of it when he asks his friends.

MrsWooster · 15/08/2019 13:04

Can you message ex and point out that he can hate you all he wants I bet this is a lie to placate new gf but he is hurting his son and he needs to prioritise his child's mental health and happiness. Id tell the boy that daddy is just being a bit selfish at the moment and we hope he will sort himself out soon. I think it's good for kids to see that adults aren't perfect (up to a point) as long as they have enough reliable people around them,so they can feel safe.

PumpkinP · 15/08/2019 13:06

I’m not saying you have to bad mouth the man but saying that daddy loves you very much but can’t see you right now will build a picture up in his head that isn’t true, he will think daddy wants to see me but cant so when “daddy” comes swanning back in claiming he was stopped as they like to do the child will then end up resenting the mother because he wasn’t told the truth on the situation. I’ve see that happen. I’ve told my children that their father doesn’t want to be a dad. It’s the truth.

Loulz · 15/08/2019 13:29

I know what you're saying. But if she now tells her son, dad doesn't want to see you, he'll feel awful and think it's because of him. Then if dad pulls his finger out and gets over whatever is causing the problem, the son was unnecessarily hurt. I think it's too early to be saying such big things to a child. Understand where his dad is at and as a pp said, tell him he's hurting your son and cross your fingers. Because some semblance of a positive fatherly relationship is hands down better than no relationship and a feeling of abandonment, that's something you never get over

madcatladyforever · 15/08/2019 13:34

What an absolute twat. I agree with hennypenny, tell him he has a mental health issue but put it in age appropriate terms.
Unfortunately I had this issue with my son's father and he knew full well at age 5 what the issue was. He just knew his father didn't want to see him.
So I just told him the truth in the end and said I'm so sorry but that is how some people are, they cannot cope with responsibility.
We were talking about it the other day actually. He's 36 now.

desperatesux · 15/08/2019 15:16

I would take any contact from here, reach out and see if you can offer an olive branch. Of course you shouldn't have to and he is being beyond unreasonable but I think any contact will be far less damaging to your son then a sudden ending of what has been a very regular and close relationship up to now. I suspect the new girlfriend is the cause of this .. not that she is at fault he is the dad after all but if you hang in there and it doesn't work out between them things may just go back to normal. Even if they don't, a cooling off over a longer period of time will be far less traumatic for him then every other week and suddenly nothing. And don't tell him he doesn't want to see him.. at 7 that would be totally devastating. Anything is better than that, when he is older maybe the truth but not now

HRH2020 · 15/08/2019 15:29

I told DS that his dad had some problems he had to sort out but that I hoped he would be able to see him again at some point. That point has not come in the last 18 months. My DS has even asked to text him himself and got no reply.

I have always said to him when you feel sad about your dad think about all the other people that love you and name everyone else in the family. DS still gets sad and angry about it now but has realised his dad is a waste of space.

If I were you I'd accept the monthly visits and see what happens.

AllFourOfThem · 15/08/2019 15:35

I think you have to say that you don’t know why and you have sent him a message to ask.

Original poster
AspergersMumm · 15/08/2019 22:12

Thanks for all the comments people. I appreciate all the different points of view. I did text the father about seeing our son and got no reply. Hopefully one day he'll sort out his priorities. My son hasn't asked about his dad for a couple of weeks now although I'm still not sure what I will tell him yet.

OP posts:
whattodowith · 16/08/2019 15:44

I suspect it is to do with the new girlfriend. Perhaps your DS is getting in the way of him getting his dick wet- wanker.

I’d be honest with DS in a way he will understand. Sorry but your Dad has only asked to see you once a month now, I don’t know why.

Haworthia · 16/08/2019 15:50

Please don’t lie to your son, including saying his dad is mentally ill Confused There’s no way a 6/7 year old could make sense of that.

Tell the truth.

“Why does Dad not want to see me?”
“I’m sorry darling, I don’t know”.

When he’s older, he’ll see his father for what he is.

I just can't get my head around how he can apparently pretend to like me for 6 years, suddenly decide he hates me

He’s rewriting history because there’s a new woman on the scene, simple as that.

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