I feel like I'm failing my child

[Newmums16]

So I will start by stating that my daughter has a very mild case of cerebral palsy (one side of limbs weaker than the other) and that this will probably turn into a ramble but I have no one else to off load to. DD turned 3 a few months ago, she has always been very shy but recently she is constantly saying "I don't like people" everytime we are out in public. If someone smiles at her she sticks her tounge out or pretends to punch them. I've got no clue why this has started! Aside from that she is still not potty trained and I am getting it in the ear from family left, right and centre. We did try in April but it was an epic fail so planning again at the end of the month but TBH I still don't think she is ready. She also still has her dummy basically whenever she wants. We did just have it a sleep times for a good while but slowly it krept back in and now is gets very distressed if we try and take it or tell her she can't have it. I'm basically flapping from one stage to the next and I feel like I am failing my DD.

You have three separate concerns

1. You let her have her dummy when she wants. This is easy for you to control and one you know you should because it will cause problems for her teeth and probably for her speech. Start making it for sleep time only with the view of it going later.
2. Potty training - what makes you think she is not ready? Can she pull her own trousers up and down? Get the Oh shit potty training book or ask HV for advice.
3. Her unpleasant behaviour to others. You need to say something like you may not like people but you need to polite to people. Does she go to nursery or toddler groups?

My ds who is 3 is also shy and doesn’t really like mixing with other adults/children much. I always try to model what he should be doing/saying to help him. I also have finger puppets and we play with these together (different social situations) and I do most of the talking as he has a speech delay. He is definitely getting a bit better at this and I’m hoping he will then take this out into the big wide world, using the skills he has practised with me.

Re dummy - mine have all had one apart from ds. At three, it is probably better to keep it for bedtime, so maybe you will just have to be firm on that. Give her lots of rewards and emphasise what a big girl she is.

Toilet training - again don’t worry. Lots of children aren’t toilet trained when they turn three. I always think that trying on a school holiday is best (if you are at home then) as you can give it a really good go before they return to preschool. Ds took a week when he was about 2.7. He then went back to preschool in pants and although he had a fair few accidents at school, I was determined not to put him back in nappies! I’m sure if you get your dd started they will support her at preschool/nursery if she attends one.

As a pp has said you have 3 seperate issues and I would say deal with them in turn.

For me I think your first priority should be the dummy. New rule that it's only for bedtime because having it throughout the day could cause serious problems with her teeth, jaw and speech. Ideally she shouldn't have it all but that's the end goal, focus on getting rid of it during the day for now.

With her being rude I'd say pull her up on it every time. Get down to her level and explain that what she did was rude and its not nice to be rude. Also a pps suggestion of role playing with puppets or dolls is a great idea! It's fine for her to be shy and not want to interact with strangers but you do need to adress the rudeness.

With regards to the potty training I'm inclined to say don't worry for now, a couple more months won't hurt while you get the other stuff sorted, especially if you think she's not ready. I potty trained my dd before she was ready and she's basically just wet herself regularly for 2 and a half years 🙄 She starts school in September and I'm at my wits end with what to do so IME it's best to wait until she's ready.

Thank you all for your replies.

I do pull her up on the rudeness when it happens but she usually ends up bursting into tears and then I feel bad because I almost feel like she does it as a why to cope with her shyness.

With regard to the potty training, she is weak on one side so pulling clothes on and off is something we are still working on. However, she never tells me if she needs to be changed or when she does a poo and she will happily go in front of anyone and doesn't run off and hide (which I read was a sign of them being ready).

I think I will try and start with the dummy tomorrow and see how it goes. Fingers crossed!

Also, she is due to start nursery in September so I am hoping that will help with the potty training and shyness/rudeness

Where is she copying the behaviour from?

The poking out the tongue thing but pretending to punch? Me neice did that. That's because my x BIL used to lunge around with his fists as a joke and she copied him.

Dummy - just explain. Bed time. Done. Stick to it. Distract and move on

Potty training - take some advice and read some books or HV is the way to go.

Don't worry OP we all feel like we are failing. I get the impression that you are worried about what other people think or say about how you are bringing your daughter up. Please don't... nobody has this taped and you will be doing what is right for your little family. Unwanted advice is annoying and unhelpful.
For a start I would forget potty training. If she isn't ready it is no big deal at 3 , I would remove that stress and revisit in a while.
You know that the dummy use has to reduce back to night time so I would make that happen. Is she able to cooperate with stars and rewards? Make a plan and after lots of discussion bedtime only as from a particular date, perhaps a star chart for not making a fuss in the day time.
I liked the pps ideas for helping her socially . She sounds a little anxious and as if she is trying to control her anxiety by her behaviour to others. I feel for her but it isn't acceptable . When you tell children off, even in the most minor way, they really feel it. One has to sometimes pull them up so to help her self esteem in this situation it is really important that the positive comments from you outweigh the negatives by a factor of 10 or more.

What doesnt she like a bout people? I always think it must be quite scary / intimidating being so small and surrounded by such big tall people particularly when un a very busy place.

It might lead to more attachment issues like her dummy but could you perhaps get a big floppy hat for her which would almost act like blinkers on a horse if that is the problem. Or ear defenders if it is because people are too loud.

Definitelt continue picking her up on the rudeness and fair punching though as she cant do that in nursery etc.

Potty training etc don’t rush it, if you are having a day at home it can be a ‘pants’ day or morning especially in this weather where if you have a garden she can play outside and it doesnt matter if she has an accident and make sure she has access to the toilet / potty and reming her to go, then put a pull up on when you go out. Eventually she’ll realise its a lot nicer not having to wear a nappy.