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Original poster

12 year old DS - How would you have handled this?

29 replies

Mumsymumphy · 05/08/2019 16:59

Just been at the park with my 2 youngest DS12 & DD8.

DS is on a big round swing, some girls (teens/preteens?) come over and stand round waiting (the swing is popular with young teens as its massive, round and lots of them can sit on it altogether).

DS gets off after only being on it 1 minute, the girls were not there when he got on. I say "Are you getting off because girls are watching you?"

DS storms over to me, walks right into me with a death stare & has his fist clenched, but not raised as if to hit me, just in a menacing way. How would you respond to this?

OP posts:
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BillywilliamV · 05/08/2019 17:02

Tell him that he ever behaved like that to me again he can wave goodbye to all screen time for at least a week

PinkyU · 05/08/2019 17:03

“DS I’m sorry if I’m embarrassed you at the park, it honestly wasn’t my intention, but you’re reaction has really upset and worried me. You acted in such an aggressive manner, that’s not ok and I think we need to talk about how you can manage your anger/frustration better so it doesn’t leave others feeling intimidated”.

bernietaupinspen · 05/08/2019 17:11

He is 12, he gave you a look for making an unnecessary comment. That's all.

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bernietaupinspen · 05/08/2019 17:12

Sorry he walked into you? As In to push you?

Original poster
Mumsymumphy · 05/08/2019 17:14

Yes @PinkyU that's pretty much what I said.
I was just so shocked at his reaction. He's normally so placid about everything but I know his hormones are kicking in. He's only 12 but already the same height as me and stocky.

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 05/08/2019 17:17

Well, how did you respond?

I wouldn’t tolerate that but I wouldn’t have tried to embarrass him either. I think your comment was weird and if you did say it to embarrass him, that’s really mean!

SD1978 · 05/08/2019 17:24

Yes- he got off because of the girls. Yes he was embarrassed because you questioned him about it. No he doesn't have the right to make you feel intimidated because you pointed it out. I wouldn't apologise to him- but would maybe be a bit more aware of how some comments could be interpreted by a pre teen/ teen

PaquitaVariation · 05/08/2019 17:29

I would have raised my eyebrows and my ds would have apologised, but that’s my ds and me, and he would never have done that to me in the first place. What did you do?

(And why did you make a comment at all? It was unnecessary.)

CassandraGemini · 05/08/2019 17:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 05/08/2019 17:47

That is really the way to make a child / preteen feel small, inferior and ridiculous.

TayoTheLittleBus · 05/08/2019 19:09

Christ almighty. She’s asking for help after feeling that her son was intimidating towards her.

Always the woman’s fault, eh?

Egg · 05/08/2019 19:13

My kids of a similar age would be mortified if I said that to them in earshot of the other kids waiting. They would undoubtedly show me that they momentarily utterly despised me for humiliating them but no violence or aggression.

EskewedBeef · 05/08/2019 19:19

I'd tell him to get a hold of himself and control his temper. I wouldn't have felt threatened, and I'd have felt a bit mean for commenting on something that really didn't matter (he didn't want an audience when he was playing - who can blame him?).

LemonAddict · 05/08/2019 19:22

Did all the girls hear you asking him about why he got off the swing too?

thisisthetime · 05/08/2019 19:24

I wouldn’t even say that to my 6 year old in front of the other children as she may feel embarrassed. I may ask her casually why she got off so quickly in private to try to find out if she felt uncomfortable. I don’t know which you did?

How he responded was aggressive and it may be hormones starting to kick in and making him find it more difficult to control his anger. I would explain that his response was not acceptable and that if he didn’t like what you said or how/where you said it he could discuss it with you.

Rachelover40 · 05/08/2019 19:26

bernietaupinspen
He is 12, he gave you a look for making an unnecessary comment. That's all.

......

I think so too. He's at an age where whatever parents do is embarrassing.

reefedsail · 05/08/2019 19:32

He’s probably pretty mortified about having his mother with him at the park at all, never mind commenting on his reaction to a gaggle of girls.

Perhaps start dropping them off and sitting in the car with a book and a coffee if it’s not close enough for them to walk.

Atlasta · 05/08/2019 19:32

He was obviously embarrassed and I think I maybe would refrain from making comments and just leave him to get on socially himself. His decision and choice to leave the swing and he will learn from his choices how to be 'him' ( if that makes sense)
I'd be very upset about being barged into though and he would have privileges removed the rest of the week. After this punishment I would talk to him and explain I'd try and back off in similar situations.

Pineapplefish · 05/08/2019 19:32

My DS is like this, he's 13 and he used to be such a calm peaceful chap, now I do notice him getting aggressive and clenching his fists when he's angry or frustrated. I assume it's the testosterone surge. As long as he just clenched his fists and glared at you, and didn't raise them or shout, I wouldn't say much about this OP. I can see why he found your comment a bit embarrassing.

Pineapplefish · 05/08/2019 19:33

Did he actually barge into you? Or just walk towards you? If he physically barged into you then my above comment no longer stands.

DodgeRainClouds · 05/08/2019 19:40

Obviously his reaction was wrong but you totally embarrassed him! Why on earth would you say that? What did you expect him to answer in front of them?!

lljkk · 05/08/2019 19:44

It sounds like all he did was glare at OP. I realise there was a clenched fist, but doesn't sound raised.

I think I'd start the convo apologising for embarrassing him & ask him in turn not to scare me again like that.

JeanMichelBisquiat · 05/08/2019 19:45

God OP - that's a really, really embarrassing and disrespectful thing to say to him in public, esp if he's a distance from you.

I'd have waited until we had some privacy, then said I could see how upset my comment had made him, and I was really sorry to have embarrassed him. THEN I'd add that, even if he's embarrassed or angry, he doesn't have the right to be physically aggressive - that it's an absolute no-no and you won't tolerate it. Then ask him/tell him what he could have done/said instead to let you know how cross he was. But do own your initial disrespect and apologise for it - I think that's important.

DingleyDells · 05/08/2019 19:45

You embarrassed him in public. Having said that, there's no excuse for him threatening potential aggression towards you.

I think you need to have a little chat, starting with you apologising for what you said (and actually I think it was uncalled-for), and then ask him how it made him feel. Let him know that it is ok to be cross, but not barging into you with a clenched fist. He has to know now that behaviour like that is totally unacceptable.

If he did that to someone in a pub when he's older, he could find himself in a serious fight, and in an awful lot of trouble.

JeanMichelBisquiat · 05/08/2019 19:46

I'm talking about the barging, btw. The clenched fist, if not raised at you, is a total non issue and just his body reacting to being really angry.

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