Sad toddler - please help!

[katelily2017]

Hi all, I posted something similar last week but didn't get any responses, I'm in desperate need of some advice about how to help DD1 who's 2.5 who is clearly going through a rough time after having a baby sister (4months old).

First 3 months after having a baby DD1's behaviour was amazing! We were actually really shocked at how well she's adapted to having a new baby. In hindsight think that might have been because she was getting so much attention from me and DH and all the family being round all the time. Now things have died down a bit and it's normally just me and the two of them, she seems to be really struggling and I feel like I'm really not coping.

She is constantly pretending to be a baby, wants to have a dummy, be carried everywhere, won't let me leave the room, wants to be with me everywhere I go, won't go to anyone else, she won't even let me go to the bathroom for a second without having a huge screaming fit.

When she's not acting like a baby she is crying and tantruming, we had a tantrum that lasted for 5 hours last Wednesday. She's screaming, kicking hitting etc.

Before this she was a very confident and happy little girl, and she just seems to unhappy all the time now, it's breaking my heart.

I don't know what I can do to get her back to her old self, I have literally tried everything, don't feel like I can give her any more 1 on 1 time than I'm already doing but the time we're spending together isn't doing anything of quality because she wants to be a baby and just cuddle and cry. I've noticed that on the rare occasion that she will be left with someone for longer than 2 minutes she will to a degree start acting normally again.

She's also developed a tick, which when I've researched it sounds like a transient tick brought on by stress. I am at my wits end I feel like the worst mum in the world. It's just making me so so sad.

On the flip side I feel I am spending no time at all with DD2 and feel so sorry for her, I never get to hold her she's constantly in her pram and the only bonding she's having is when I'm breastfeeding her which she's usually asleep for.

I'm just finding it so stressful and just feel at the end of my tether with it all and that I'm letting everyone down. Has anyone been through this, for any tips for how to make it better?

Thanks xxx

OP this sounds so tough. I have a 2.5yo and am currently pregnant so not got lots of tips.

What are your days currently like?

Is she sleeping enough?

Do you get out to playgroups etc? These might help develop her independence a bit. Or have you considered nursery to give you a break?

Do you engage with her want for babying? Or do you try and move her on from it. If the latter is consider totally allowing it and even encouraging it. She's begging to be reassured that she's still your baby. I think after a while she will naturally bounce back.

Thanks for the reply! Yeah I've been trying to just go with it after reading up on it and babying her and my mantra at the moment is 'you'll always be mummy's baby' but she just ignores it!!

We socialise with other kids her age she does 2 mornings at nursery and we go to playgroup and classes! Her routine is exactly the sam as it was before baby arrived! Thanks guys xxx

Bless her. At least you get a break when she's at nursery.

Some of it might just be terrible 2s. Mine has just started the epic tantrums. If I'm at home I just ignore and then give him a cuddle when he's ready. Out and about is a bit different.

Does she like to help with baby?

I can totally sympathise OP, I had a similar age gap.

Personally I wouldn't give into the babyish behaviour. We made a huge deal with eldest about how he was the big boy, he could do different things to the baby etc.

I didn't BF so I appreciate it's probably harder to do this, but DH and I did a lot of things separately with the DC at that stage so they got one on one time. DS1 got to do something fun and exciting (and grown up!) while one of us stayed with DS2. DS1 also still went to the childminder for a while so he got lots of attention and doing fun things there too.

When I fed DS2 I used to ask DS1 to come and sit on the sofa with us so we all had a bit of a cuddle together and watch the telly together.

I definitely didn't spend too much time doting over DS2 at that age. He was usually happy to tag along on days out with us in the pram or chill in his bouncer or on the play mat watching his brother.

It's not easy in the early days. I used to feel like I was pulled in different directions and I still do a bit now. They're 4 and 6 now. They're very close now. But it took a while to get there!

@Teachermaths yeah definitely not helping with her age! She's actually brilliant with the baby!! Loves her to bits xxx

I think it's a case of trying different things until you find what works.

Her desire to be a baby is her sending you a message. I would go with it for a few weeks to see if it helps. Follow her lead, even instigate it and say "shall we play babies for an hour, do you want to be the baby or the grown up?".

This is going against what the pp has suggested but what works for one doesn't work for all and mine might be a terrible suggestion. But trying it for a few weeks will tell you if it's working or if you need to change tact.

You could do this daily and then gradually wean her off it or she may get bored of it herself.

As I'm sure you know behaviour is just communicating. It's just a case of finding what responses from you work.

Sounds like you are doing lots of good things already and this is just a reactionary phase. (A very difficult one).

@Fatted thanks for replying! Baby is the same is very content just in bouncer or play mat, I just feel so guilty though! Did you feel bad about it? I just feel constantly pulled from one child to the other and don't feel like I'm spending quality time with either. Xxx

@avocadoincident yeah definitely! I keep reminding myself she's obviously going through a lot at the moment and this is her way of showing it, it's just draining me at the moment though xxx

I've got number 3 on the way so I'll
be coming back to this thread and you for advice as I'll be in your boat then.

Except you'll be out of that boat by then and will have all the magic answers!

Please don't feel guilty for letting your firstborn go to someone else for a bit! She will be absolutely fine once you're away. I well remember the days when my son screamed the roof off when I left him w his dad/my friend/his grandparents or anyone else. And my shock and surprise when I had to turn back once when I got to my car and realised I've left my car keys in the house. It literally was not 2 minutes and he was happily playing w toys and baby chatting to my friend!! 🤣. You need this time and your little one will soon realise that time with mummy is more important than throwing a tantrum. I feel for you, its tough. Big hug to your mummy heart.

@avocadoincident you sound like you're a pro already! You'll be fab!! Congratulations and good luck with number 3! Xxx

@Stapelberg they are such tinkers aren't they! She was the same with my dad on Wednesday. playing really nicely and eating her breakfast. As soon as I came back in the room the toast was the wrong shape and she through it all over the floor and she didn't like my dad anymore! Xxx

Hi someone one had probably already suggested this but I know this works well. Getting your 2yr a "baby" of her own. If possible go on a special trip to the toy/ charity shop to choose a baby dolly and some other baby care items or use some old ones you already have. Then when your real baby needs attention your big girl can look after her baby, kids love to role play.

I would also suggest thinking about a nursery even if just for a morning a week (3 year olds get free places) It will give you time alone with your youngest and give the oldest attention from different people which she will be excited to share with you. A win all around.

I honestly think a lot of what you're describing is terrible two's and normal for that age, so probably not all brought on by the new baby. Toddlers are feral savages as it is. Just keep reminding yourself that it won't last forever.

My toddler turned his soft toy into a "baby" when we had our youngest. The elephant has been fed, bathed, had a dummy, sleeps in the pram, has been sung lullabies. That helped manage his emotions I think surrounding the baby's demands, so I 2nd the above poster