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Parenting

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Handing over kids

4 replies

Jimmylaw9 · 02/08/2019 09:37

Folks I am a bloke who has 50/50 custody of two young girls 6 and 4 and I am finding it Terribly sad and emotional when I have to hand them over. Although it’s 50/50 I do all my own caring whereas my OH has her elderly parents do most. I find it really sad when I have to hand them back and looking for ways to cope. I do have lots of other interests but just go to pieces every time I do this. Shes a good mum it’s just they are so young and get upset when it’s time to go both ways. I cant really speak to other mates about it they don’t get it. They don’t understand the role. Any advice

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SmartPlay · 02/08/2019 13:00

I'm not in a situation like you, but maybe my tips will help anyway ....

Since you are not worried that your children might not be treated right at their mums, as you say she's a good mum, try to focus on that. Tell youself time and time again that while it's okay for you to be sad, your children are being well cared for and happy while with their mum. Keep reminding yourself what a great thing it is for your children to have both parents actively involved in their lifes and to be able to spend an equal amount of time with both of them.

And it's also worth to keep reminding yourself that being sad is not necessarily a bad thing - both for you and your children. Once when I settled in my daughter in a new pre-school, the teacher told her it's time for her to go home and see you tomorrow. My daughter wasn't happy about it, because she enjoyed herself. The teacher then said something, that I found both lovely, helpful und very true - and I keep bringing her sentence up (in my head just for myself or aloud towards my kids), if it fits:
You should leave, while you are enjoying to ge here, because then you'll look forward to coming back.

Maybe both you and your children can concentrate on that - that it's good to be sad about leaving, because it means you are having a nice time together. And you can all look forward to when they are coming back. And your kids can look forward to being with their mum.

You can also try to keep busy while they are with their mum. If you have some flexibilty in your job, you can work more during those times and less when they are with you. Or you can schedule things that need to be done for those times. Or make plans to look forward to - going to the gym, out for a drink with a friend etc.

Spaghetticarbanana · 02/08/2019 13:14

I'm handing my 9 and 7 year old boys over in about half an hour. They used to get upset, but they don't now. They actually find it fun having 2 houses, although they aren't that happy that their dad is moving cities again this month. They will jump into the car and we'll wave goodbye, then I will go and have a good cry. I don't care if people think thats daft.
They were actually supposed to be going for 5 days but the 7yr old asked me this morning if he could go longer, so I've agreed 2 weeks. Thats the longest they've ever been away from me and I'll hate it, my ex and I don't always get on but I'll always try and do what's best for my children, not just what's best for me.
What you're going through is so hard. Try not to compare how your ex runs her household unless you have concerns for the girls' mental or physical health.
For me I just try and keep how my ex and I feel about eachother completely seperate from the children. In time your girls may find it easier, just let them know that their feelings are valid, you love them and try not to get too upset in front of them of you can.
Sorry that you are going through this.

Jimmylaw9 · 03/08/2019 18:19

Thank you so much. I had no idea I would get such a useful response when I posted. Great advice which has helped me immmediately

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Jimmylaw9 · 03/08/2019 18:21

Thank you it’s great to know as that’s exactly what I do. I cried yest after they left and felt stupid and weak. Now I don’t.

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