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Original poster

I've created a rod for my own back...

13 replies

Dollygirl2008 · 01/08/2019 23:35

Bit of background - myself and DP split up when DD was 7. When she was 8, she would go to stay with him and sometimes grandparents on holidays, even tho she didn't really want to. To give her security, I have her an old mobile phone so that she could message me in times of need as she has trouble sleeping

She is now nearly 11 and is driving me literally mad. She stays at his house every other weekend, and messages me ALL NIGHT (well, until about midnight). I've tried EVERYTHJNG, including ignoring her, but it breaks my heart when she's pleading with me to answer

She's off to grandparents on Sunday for a week, and I'm already dreading every night...

I know I've created this, but I genuinely thought I was doing the right thing for a little girl who was feeling insecure after the split. I now question my methods....

Any advice?

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Alislia17 · 02/08/2019 04:11

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Pineapplefish · 02/08/2019 07:19

Is this the end of the world, OP? If it stops at midnight I'd be inclined to let her carry on (it would be different if you'd said she stops at 3am!).

SummerSix · 02/08/2019 17:32

Tell her before she goes that youre going to bed at 10pm, and that you wont answer after that.

Answer messages but give it 20 min or so between each one.

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Chargertest · 04/08/2019 22:53

Have you tried taking her to see a counsellor to discuss the root cause and how she can be supported with her feelings. The messages are just a symptom of a deeper problem. Trying to address the insecurity might help. Sorry if you've tried this x

Original poster
Dollygirl2008 · 05/08/2019 11:49

Thank you all for your comments

Interesting about the counsellor part - I actually might pursue this for her sake.

Also interesting about the post about it not being a big deal, and as long as it's not past midnight then I should just suck it up as it won't last forever. I've not thought of it like that - maybe this isn't that bad - she's a great child and I couldn't ask for more in every other aspect! Maybe I should just leave it and pick my battles!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Dollygirl2008 · 05/08/2019 11:49

Thank you all for your comments

Interesting about the counsellor part - I actually might pursue this for her sake.

Also interesting about the post about it not being a big deal, and as long as it's not past midnight then I should just suck it up as it won't last forever. I've not thought of it like that - maybe this isn't that bad - she's a great child and I couldn't ask for more in every other aspect! Maybe I should just leave it and pick my battles!!

OP posts:
Di11y · 06/08/2019 07:29

I'd definitely reduce how quickly I reply - sorry darling doing the dishes/went for a walk etc and 'go to bed' at 10

WizzyBee · 06/08/2019 07:35

What is she messaging about? If it is stuff that she's genuinley upset about then you probably need to sort that out properly. If it is just chit chat then I'd put my foot down with a firm hand!

Agree with her before hand that you are going to send her a text at a pre arranged time saying Goodnight and then you will not answer any more texts until the morning.

How come an 11 year old is still awake that late anyway?

Topseyt · 06/08/2019 07:41

What are the messages generally about? Is she afraid of her Dad and his family, is something they are doing making her anxious? Or is it just general insecurity and she wants to feel you are still there.

Go with the counselling idea. With regard to the messaging, I'd be OK with that providing it did stop at midnight, but then I am a bit of a night owl anyway.

You don't have to respond to each one instantly. You can leave it 15 or 20 minutes. Later on you can text that you are going to bed now so will respond in the morning, and suggest that she does the same.

ThisIsMyBuick · 06/08/2019 07:42

She will be ignoring you in another year or so. 😂

I would do what Di says. Give her that little bit of information that you are somewhere she can picture you doing something mundane.

Topseyt · 06/08/2019 07:43

Why does she not want to go and stay with them? Is there a reason? Does she get along with them?

stucknoue · 06/08/2019 07:45

My (young adult) dd messages me late at night, unless she's really distressed just realise how much she loves you. If she's distressed then getting professional advice is key

Original poster
Dollygirl2008 · 08/08/2019 07:13

She doesn't particularly want to go, but she really does need to (childcare, grandparent contact etc) - they are wonderful people who adore her (and her cousin/best friend who is also with her). They take hem to wonderful places and thoroughly spoil them. She really can't articulate what the actual problem is.

She's awake that late because she can't sleep!!! Confused. They go to bed at a reasonable time - cousin drops off immediately, mine doesn't, and then panics. She worried about not having enough sleep, and being the only one awake in the house

Good point about her not wanting to talk to me in year!!!!! I do think this will
Be short lived - hopefully!

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