Expecting an 8 year old to clean up after himself?

[Lucylou321]

Need some opinions on who is being unreasonable here.

8 year old DSS frequently wets the bed, wets and soils himself, or just wees on the floor in our house and says he couldn't get to the toilet in time. DH doesn't seem to think it's an issue that whenever he stays our house stinks of urine and just says "he doesn't do it deliberately" unfortunately some of the time I think he actually does. He is frequently reminded to go to the toilet and normally answers back and refuses to go and then just wets himself instead. If he's on his tablet or Xbox he will just sit there and do it in his pants rather than get up and walk a few feet to the toilet. He also lies when he's clearly wet or soiled his pants and says he hasn't when it's blatantly obvious he has. I've suggested a trip to the doctor might be needed to establish whether there's a physical issue or the reasons behind him doing it and DH doesn't think it's necessary.

DSS is with us 50/50 and I'm getting fed up of stepping in urine all the time because he will literally do it all over the bathroom floor and then just leave it there. I've taken a step back from it all because we don't agree on how it's handled and as he's not my child I don't discuss it with him but I suggested to DH today that he could get DSS to help him with the clearing up of urine which is currently all over my floor and he's basically said it's ridiculous and it's child abuse. I don't see why he can't be involved in helping clear up his mess. I don't even know why it's surprised me seeing as DH doesn't even expect them to flush the toilet after they've used it never mind lift a finger round the house.

Am I being unreasonable expecting an 8 year old could be involved in helping clear up after himself? Don't get me wrong I'm not suggesting he does it without help..

Child abuse? 🤨 your DH needs to get a fucking grip.
I agree he should be helping you clear it up he's 8yo! A trip to the doctors is definitely needed though to establish the problem/cause.
Your DH doesn't think he should do anything then maybe he should clear it up. I'd leave it there all day for your DH to clear up so he can see what you have to do, with a bit of luck he might slip in the piss! It might knock some bloody sense into him.

No you are not being unreasonable but this is extreme behaviour. Does he do this at his mothers house? At school? I am tempted to say this may be him punishing you and his father for your relationship but who knows. Your husband must realise this isn’t normal. I’ve no idea what you can do but tell your husband to clean up the mess (I don’t think 8 is too young to help unless he has learning difficulties).

Thanks for replies. Yes he does it at his mothers. She's tried to say he doesn't and that it's only at our house but his older siblings have confirmed he does it at home as well. He also does it at school and was assessed by the SENCO who didn't think there was anything wrong with him.

Of course he should clear up. Take his Xbox away every time he does it and keep it until he clears it up. Why isn't your DH taking this seriously?

He needs to help clear up as well.

And no DSS in the house unless his father is also there. I can't believe he expects you to clear up his son's filth.

Push for your partner to take him to a doctor. I’m a teacher and can assure you a senco can not make a judgement about this sort of issue.

Personally I'd try a star chart rather than cleaning. I don't disagree with the concept of making him help clean, but a reward is more likely to be effective (and more likely to be backed up by your partner). Plus I'd start using the rug doctor which is amazing but I wouldn't want an 8 year old using chemicals.

10 hours without an accident = chocolate bar.

3 days = small treat

7 days = medium treat

1 month = big treat

If this doesn't incentivise him, I'd be at the GPs until they referred him.

Desperately hope this works for you...

I'd definitely make him clean up his were. Get him a a pair of rubber gloves and mop and bucket and make him clean it up every time.

Use stick and carrot. Make him clean AND give him treats when he doesn't do it.

I doubt an eight year old would do this at school and risk being teased by classmates if he was able to control it so sounds to me like a medical problem. He may be uncooperative because he is embarrassed. Have a look at the ERIC website and get this lad some help.

He needs to go to the doctor's. You need to rule out a physical cause, so he needs investigating by paediatrics/bladder and bowel. If no physical cause, then CAMHS. Something isn't right.

Thanks for the responses everyone. I know he needs to see a doctor unfortunately his parents don't agree. Will keep trying. And rest assured I don't clean it up anymore if DH can't be assed to deal with the issue he gets to clear the mess not me.

My 5 year old still gets distracted and sometimes leaves it too pate to go. We mainly deal with it by prompting her regularly and at a minimum before meals, before leaving the house and 20 mins after I see her drink anything.

Yes he should definitely be cleaning it up. It's the only way to show him what a pain it is and going to the toilet is easier.

I think his parents ignoring/facilitating the issue is a form of child abuse. Teaching him to help clean up is not, so long as it isn't done to humiliate him.