How did you find having to suddenly rely on your partner?

[ayechooseboo]

Hi Guys

I hope this is the right place for this. I've recently turned 30 and my husband and I had the discussion the other night about starting a family. I've always put it off purely because I am such an independent person. Although we are married we split all bills in half (my choice) and we don't really have any joint responsibility for anything. I'm terrified of suddenly having to rely on him for money and also parenting is something I would need help with (obviously) and I'm so used to just being able to do everything on my own, I hate having help from people.

Any independent folks out there go through the same thing? How did you find having to lean so heavily on someone when you are not used to it?

TIA

It can be a very hard adjustment if you’re used to being independant. But by very virtue of being married, you are already a team. I found my last pregnancy hugely difficult physically, starting very early on with bleeding, awful morning sickness and serious mobility problems from about 5 months and it was very difficult to accept help as I’m a stubborn old thing. But dh is wonderful and did it without complaint. Having nursed him through flu I have to say I’m not sure I’m as good at looking after him as he is at looking after me! Our baby has had dreadful colic which tbh has pushed me to the edge, but again dh has taken it all in his stride, and it’s been a marvel to me to see him with our dd. The harder thing for me, as it sounds like you have a similar personality and set up as me, is the total lack of control that happens from the moment you get that positive test. I’m a real control freak in many aspects and having such a high needs baby has been difficult as I put myself under so much pressure to get everything done. Having a partner I can rely on has been a blessing. He’s never seen it as a burden and if you’re confident that yours is the same you’ve got nothing to lose by going for it. It’s not a weakness being strong and independant, but I think it can become one if it means you can’t or won’t accept help when it’s needed

You wouldn't need help parenting, you would both be parenting. Getting out of the mindset of him "helping" and into the mindset of being a team is important. In the early days it was difficult to get the balance right and we had several arguments about it. The key thing for me was getting my own free time - OH cooks dinner two nights a week so I can go to an exercise class or I'll make arrangements to see friends then or have a bath and do some grooming!

Financially I do find it strange that I don't pay the bills. I'm now a SAHP and we've cut our cloth accordingly in terms of overall spend and I do see that I frittered lots of money away on coffee previously!