Co parenting and struggling

[NC4this123]

Have name changed for this, please don’t judge me I am only human. Basically cut a long story short, was in very controlling relationship with daughters dad. Been split up 6 years and have been taken to court multiple times most of them with no outcome as it was just a control thing. Anyway she’s just come back from a few weeks there and I can’t just deal with it! He always made me feel like shit and it’s continuing through our daughter. I am a bloody good mum but because I don’t do things like him I am not in his eyes. She comes home and it’s daddy this daddy that, can you cook my food like daddy, can you buy this cause daddy did. I recently said no to something but oh daddy said yes and did it regardless and she loved it so now I look like an idiot, he is very OCD and she is even picking up his ways too which I’m gutted for her. I have another child and happily married and it’s so much easier having a child full time. I love my child so much and when she was a baby and I was a SAHM we were inseparable but I can feel the rift between us and I HATE it. Yes I know I’m the grown up and don’t wanna upset her but I’m struggling with it! Please any advice anyone ?

Anyone ?

How old is your daughter op?
My DD1 is almost 5 and I coparent but have done since she was a baby. Exh does spoil her, and when she goes to his she is an only child so I find the transition difficult when she comes home also. I have DD2 (aged 3).
We make it very very clear to DD1 that mummy and daddy's houses are very different but we both love her equally. We have house rules here which must be adhered to by both children.
She gets to choose when she comes home if she wants to chill in her room and 'adjust to where she is' or just get on with family life.
My partner always tells me when I have doubts and fears about the situation that we are modelling a well adjusted family life and she will thank us in the long run, even if right now she shouts and tantrums.
It's so tough to get back into the swing of things when she's been away for a weekend but I find being consistent with the way that we do things as a family is key.
I do sympathise!

Yay a reply! Thank you! Our situations sound very similar, my daughter is 6. My mum also says the same as your partner, at our home she has a normal life where she is part of a family where as when she is there it’s all about her constantly, money isn’t an issue ( lots of debt ) where as we are actually trying to save and live modestly! so I do understand it’s hard for her to adjust I really do. I sympathise with her really especially as my son is home all the time and she then has to fit back in with him and us. I just always look forward to her coming home and get so disheartened when she actually does because I end up feeling how I used to when we were together, like shit! but I do know it’s not her fault 😢 I like your idea of letting them sit in their room to adjust perhaps that’s something we could try, although I do find if I have an activity planned it takes her mind off it sometimes x

It's rough on everyone for sure. DD2 is always excited for her to come home, but DD1 just snubs her and it makes DD2 cry.
Hard too that they are PFB and you want desperately to keep the strong bond, but I think even in traditional settings, daughters especially, can seem distant and defiant (according to my friends anyway!)
I would just keep up being firm and consistent, offering a loving embrace as and when you think she needs it and maybe a thicker skin? That's what I keep telling myself anyway (I'll still have a good cry from time to time though!) her birthday is coming up and it's not my turn, so I'm swallowing that sadness daily.