Toddler picking up on loss of relative?

[Mumtoone18]

My Nan passed away last Wednesday, we were very close always have been. She has been unwell to an extent but more so oxygen level issues but we have never been concerned things would become so bad. Her death was quick sudden and has been a shock to us all. She died in hospital of sepsis which we didn’t even know she had until receiving death certificate.

I have a 17 month old little boy who is always very much a happy chappy, can play up sometimes but never been such an issue. Since my Nan has gone he has become hard to deal with in every aspect of every day life even to the point I dread leaving the house with him. He has become aggressive towards me and other family members, he is constantly trying to hit the dogs or pull their legs, it’s a fight to get him in car seat or pram (something he has always loved being in) won’t eat anything just throws it on the floor, isn’t sleeping in the day and night times have gone from a lovely 8pm latest bedtime routine to struggling with him until 11pm earliest. Now I am fully aware the troublesome twos can start early but is this pure coincidence of timing or has he picked up that something has happened.

I haven’t shown any emotions of distress around him. Even to the point that I am suffering from anxiety attacks in the night time due to holding everything in all day. I am still trying my best to pay him as much attention whilst grieve and support others around me whilst planning a funeral. The only thing that has changed is my lack of patience towards him.

I have been clearly telling him what he is doing is naughty etc and he laughs, I say no he laughs, I shout he laughs, so I have just been putting him in his cot for 5-10 mins then go in and talk to him and he hugs and kisses me and is fine until 10 mins later.

I am just really struggling and I feel like I have made him like this and I just don’t know how much longer I can cope. My partner doesn’t get home till late as he works long hours and even so little one just laughs at him as well. I feel so drained.

Has anyone else experienced a loss of close relative whilst had a little one and did you notice a change in their behaviour?

Sorry for your loss, OP

Yes, it is definitely possible that he's picking up on your feelings of stress and sadness however much you have tried to hide them. He's reacting this way because he knows something is wrong, doesn't understand it and doesn't like it.

All toddlers go through tricky phases, but in this case the timing seems unlikely to be a coincidence.

Hang in there, OP. This is a very difficult time for you but you will get through it. Is there anyone who could come and help you?

So sorry for your loss
I agree that he could very well be aware
I would suggest not putting him in his cot though when you are cross
You don’t want him to have negative associations with going to bed

I haven’t shown any emotions of distress around him. Even to the point that I am suffering from anxiety attacks in the night time due to holding everything in all day. I am still trying my best to pay him as much attention whilst grieve and support others around me whilst planning a funeral. The only thing that has changed is my lack of patience towards him.

It’s okay to be upset in front of him. It’s important that we don’t hide death from children - it happens to all living things.

It sounds very much like you're doing everything you can to keep your grief from your wee boy, and that's admirable OP. It also sounds like he's picking up on your stress and worry (despite your best efforts and you're doing nothing wrong).

When my Mum died I tried so hard to keep it from the kids, to keep going as normal, until I broke completely 18 months later. I realised then I was there in body, but very much on autopilot. They didn't have Mum as they'd always known me, I was a shell.

Do you have RL support? Someone to give you a break and give you time to process your loss?

Don't beat yourself up, it sounds like you're putting everything you have into protecting your child but have nothing left for yourself. It's ok to grieve, it's ok to cry and it's ok to have a crap day. Grief can be all consuming, especially in the early days, so go easy on yourself.

Could your DP take a day of annual leave and let you get a break, maybe some counselling?

He absolutely has picked up on the massive change and is doing the only thing children can to get your attention; play up. He will be aware you fall to pieces when he's asleep, hence the not wanting to go to bed. You need to share your grief so he can understand Nan is not coming back and you are sad. This is a normal part of life and he needs to learn about it. IMHO, you are setting yourself up for a break down and him for lots more confusion.

Thank you all for supportive messages and advice. I have got lots of support at the moment for both me and little one I think this week I will focus on getting some time to myself to think straight and let emotions out. Also need to now learn how to deal with little ones new behaviour which I’m sure will keep me occupied lol! Thanks all x