Small age gaps

[MeadowHay]

DD is 1 and we definitely both want at least one more child. But we are not sure on whether a small age gap would be too tough for us or not. I can see pros and cons to all kinds of age gaps. I still have some ambitions to complete further training to build a career but not sure if that will work out, but if I started it all then it would mean not having another til after my career was set and that would be a good 6/7 years away. Which is a bigger gap than we would ideally like. But then the next option is to TTC again very soon. I know lots of people have small age gaps and do fine. But I'm not sure if i/ we would cope really. DD is a high needs baby and I massively struggled especially the first few months. I think I would deal with a lot of that stuff much better second time around but then I'd have a toddler to care for as well so there's new and different challenges! And I dunno how much people manage the logistics of it all. And then a huge thing is nursery fees - pretty sure nursery X2 would actually be more than my salary so...anyway does anyone have ant words of wisdom? If you have small gaps why did you choose the small gap, what are the biggest challenges for you, what are the things we should think about the most before deciding to do it?

Anyone? Have I chosen a bad topic for this?

Seems a bit quiet on this board today!

I’m pregnant with DC2. There will be a 13 month age gap if all goes OK with the pregnancy.

I’m currently in a training position so it’s not ideal and my career has been put on hold, but the way I see it is that I get the baby stage over quicker, then I have more time to concentrate on my career rather than stop-start.

The nursery fees are going to be brutal but it’s only going to be until we get the 30 free hours at age 3 so not for forever.

But we will see if I have made a terrible mistake

Mine are 25 months apart. It’s been hard work but now that they’re nearly 2 and nearly 4 it’s getting better as they play with each other. Don’t regret it.

What have been the hardest bit edge? And 13 month gap!! You are brave! Best of luck to you. DD is 13 months and there is no way in hell I could imagine having a newborn to manage as well as her atm. But then she is a 'high needs' baby

@MeadowHay the hardest thing has been feeling like I’m not giving either of them enough time. 2 year olds and newborns are both still pretty needy!

16 months between my 2 who are now 2.5 and 14 months.

It's not easy particularly as my eldest wasnt yet walking when ds1 came along so my back isn't what it was, terrible 2s are horrendous with a baby but I think they'd be horrendous whatever tbh! Plus nursery fees are an absolute killer for two but weve just decided that until they're both in school this is the way it is.

We feel like we are getting the tough baby/toddler years dealt with in one go rather than spreading it over a longer period of time. We would be considered older parents (39 and 45) and I dont think I'd have the energy to have a newborn again now!

I have 12 months between mine.

Very very hard to begin with but so much easier as they got holder and pretty much easy peasy from about 3/4!

21 months - now mid primary school age.

There’s 18 months between me and my sister and we are close. Anecdotally, everyone I know with a sibling 3+ years older seemed less close - I think at under 2.5, you’re not quite so sure if your place in the world yet that a new sibling feels like a wrench, like you’re losing attention- your sibling just fits in and you can’t remember them not being there. And you’re close in age so the activities you can do and playing together is easy.

I do know a lot if people with larger age gaps e.g. 5 year olds starting reception with a newborn sibling, and that works too. But I didn’t fancy the idea of going back to babies just as you’ve got a bit more freedom from routine with a bigger age gap, so for me that would be hard.

As a parent, not gonna lie to you, 2 under 2 was exhausting. But it’s true that you appreciate how “easy” just one baby can be (and hopefully DC2 would be more laid back for you personality-wise). Money is an issue for childcare fees but also maternity leave meant being able to spend a good chunk of ‘extra’ time off work with DC1 in their toddler years, which I really really appreciated, looking back. By the time I was back at work free hours at 3 we’re close, so that eased it.

Ive got 6 years between my two (not planned that way, just more trouble than we thought there would be in getting pg a second time).

Advantages were that ds1 was at school when ds2 came along so the baby years were pretty easy, no double nursery fees etc.

The downsides are that it's a bit like having 2 only children- they don't play together anything like as much as 2 closer in age might, although at 6 and 12 now the gap is starting to narrow a life bit.

Looking around at family and friends, I think there's a lot to be said for the "traditional" 2-3 year gap. There's an overlap for nursery but not too long, closer in age but you don't have to manage 2 babies at once.

It's completely variable though- some siblings who are close in age won't get on at all while some will get on a lot better than my two!

2 years between mine and would definitely recommend this or as small an age gap as possible

Both are now in their teens and do a lot of stuff together.
They have always got on well. Same schools when they were younger.

I have a bigger age gap between me and my sister and I don’t have anything in common with her
I was an only child for quite some time then sister came along and realistically I have a completely separate life to her. Are ages just are too wide apart

18 months between mine. Now they're 3 & 4 and are best mates one minute/ worse enemies the next

The first year is really tough as they both really need you, so you have no time for yourself and it fees very relentless. Nursery fees were more than the mortgage but that eases when they turn three.

What I love now is that they both do the same clubs and have the same interests and I take out the older clothes from her drawer when she's grown out of them and put them straight in there younger ones! (luckily they're both girls which helps with practical things)

I think if we had another it would be in a year or so and have a gap of day 4.5/5 years when youngest is at school.

14 and 16 months between my three. FUcking hard as hell at first, but - I was home with them all day, every day, and VERY isolated because my first born was an extremely high needs baby. I think had I been able to go back to my old career (not possible due to the nature of it) it probably would've been better for my mental health. And I am very glad we didn't wait (and were fortunate enough to fall pregnant as we did) - I see a few mums at my ds's school who have6/7/8 year olds and baby siblings and they readily admit how difficult it can be with that kind of age gap. We would've stopped trying to conceive if the age gap started to stretch towards 3 years because I just never wanted to be having to do school runs with a newborn etc.

We have a 20 month age gap and it’s been great. I really struggled with the baby stage with my first and I wanted my second while I was still in the midst of the hard bit, as I knew I could never go back once I’d got used to sleeping again!

Being pregnant and parenting a toddler was the worst bit. I’ve never been so exhausted. It wasn’t easy looking after two young children, but it was fine. They are best friends at 4 and 3, always playing and laughing together. They have the same interests so can watch the same films, same days out, etc.

Paying two lots of nursery fees before the 30 hours free kicked in for the older one was hard but it was only a short time. Now we’ve nearly reached that point with the younger one and it feels good to know that childcare fees are done with.

14 months between dd1 and 2. It was full on at the beginning - dd1 also quite high needs and we moved areas twice in first 2 years. I loved it though, it was chaos and mess but great. I stayed home (doing some work in the evenings) until dd1 got free hours at 3, and then she went a couple of mornings a week, until dd2 was 3. Then I had ds!

They are 12 and 13 now, very different personalities but really make each other laugh and have each other's backs

13 month age gap here and we made that decision because we were both edging towards 40 and didn't have time on our side.

It's worked out really well, although the first year was pretty tough. Once we got through that, I felt that things got a lot easier. I like that we are getting all the newborn and baby stages out of the way, nappies etc, and won't be going back to that after a few years break. They generally like to do similar activities.

I'm back to work part time and feel like I can focus on my career again after the break of 2 maternity leaves close together. I'm applying to do another qualification and don't have to worry about maybe getting pregnant and how that would impact training I've started.

There are definitely pros and cons of small and big age gaps, but we did the right thing with a small age gap, just remember that it it's hard to start with, it will definitely get better!

20 months. Because I was already in my 40s and also thought two school years apart was close enough yet not too close. I have stepchildren and for a few years tricky as the older set and younger set had such different interests and now the difference between teens and adults so they were never as close as they could have been.
I had a friend who had 7 years between each of her three kids and said it was almost three only children in the same family!
I say closer together preferable, and didn’t find it so exhausting at all though look back now wonder how I did it as I was working part time, one of the older kids lived with us, and my husband was away a lot for business!

Aaargh all so difficult to decide! I am lucky in that time isn't an issue for us right now, we are both mid-twenties. I think in the long-term for doing stuff as a family it seems like it would be easier to have closer together for similar interests etc and possibly being closer, having said that there's obviously no guarantees about being closer into adulthood. DH and his DB have 3 years between them and are not close at all now although they were as children. Whereas we both have younger cousins with bigger gaps (6-10 years) who whilst obviously often at different life stages, are very close and I can imagine could stay that way as adults when the age gaps become less important.

Just not sure if I could cope with two little ones. I never would have considered the very small gaps some of you have, no way would I cope with a newborn now with 13 month old DD!!! No way at all. But maybe when she is 2-2 and a half? I don't know...could I cope if they were both getting up in the night for years? How do you put the older one to bed if baby stays downstairs with you for first few months? Don't they wake each other up? What about if toddler sleeps with you/in your room, do you just stop them ever doing that again? I feel like I have so many scenarios in my head that I just think 'how do you manage that???'. I don't drive and we don't have a car either, I struggle to get the bus places with DD still half the time, never mind with two of them! On the other hand I think it would be lovely for them to grow up together and do things together etc.

It's odd, I'm not sure I remember the specifics! I guess that doesn't bode well!!
We definitely sometimes had both in bed with us, or dh and I would divide and conquer (there is a lot of That!)
Dd1 and 2 have always shared a room, and unless dd1 (high needs) was bellowing, dd2 just seemed used to it. Dd2 was an early riser, dd1 woke at night...Ds was a whole other story, as he has complex needs and sleep was and is a huge issue. There is a lot of muddling through!

I also don't drive, invest in a great double, and a strategy for public transport (one hand fold and sling). Doing hospital appointments on the bus with 3 under 4 admittedly led to several grey hairs.

I loved the moments all of us were crammed into our never quite big enough bed and watching the relationship develop between them is worth the grey hairs (I have lots).

See parts of I'm sure are magical. But idk whether I have the resilience for the hard parts. I seriously crumbled at some parts with DD, mostly on the first 4 months or so but still occasionally til I went back to work at 9 months. I deffo think I would need to go back to work PT and not be a SAHM for my mental health and subsequently for the kids'. The problem is that I think two kids 3 days a week nursery will essentially be my annual salary. And atm I work 4 days and DM has DD one day a week but she may not want to/feel able to have two of them. And it would be ludicrous surely to work at a loss! (I fully understand childcare is not just 'my' cost and is DH's too but he will have a proper career job on a decent wage whereas mine is neither of those things so). Difficult one. It may be that we just can't afford another now tbh.

DS is 8 weeks old. We've decided we'll wait until he's 1.5-2 years as a minimum before we try again. The logic in that being, once baby is born, DS1 would be 2.25-2.75 years maximum. I'd then be on maternity leave until DS1 is entitled to his 30 free hours and then we'd only need to pay nursery fees for DC2.

I also could not cope with a 1 year old on top of DS now, so trying for a baby any time soon and putting ourselves in that situation this time next year is an absolute no go.

@TokenGinger that’s what we did. I got pregnant when DC1 was 17 months old. They’re just over 25 months apart. I was hoping for a 3 year gap and was shocked to get pregnant the first cycle after I stopped breastfeeding

We didn’t choose the small gaps...the small gaps chose us
I stopped my contraception when DC1 was around 7 months old because we knew we would ttc again within about 6 months to a year and wanted to give my body a chance to get back into a natural rhythm. Turns out my body had other ideas and I fell pregnant that same month So there’s 17 months between DC1 & DC2.
After DC2’s birth I tried hormonal contraception again and the side effects were grim. So I stopped it and we got on absolutely fine with condoms for 2 years. Until we both got drunk at Christmas, forgot the condom and I’m now 33 weeks pregnant with DC3 - our third baby in 4 years! Needless to say, DH is booked in for a vasectomy
I can’t really say if the small gaps are harder than big ones because small gaps are all I’ve ever known!! I will say that pregnancy the second and third time around have been physically harder because I’ve had toddlers to take care of at the same time. I found newborn and toddler pretty easy to be honest - I just got a good sling for the newborn which he practically lived in, and if he made a noise I stuck a boob in his gob and it was plain sailing It’s when the youngest one starts getting mobile that the real challenges began for me! DC2 crawled at 6 months, just as DC1 turned 2, and it was utter carnage - but fun carnage! They are 4 and 2 now, and they are either best mates playing really well together or they are actively trying to murder each other There is no grey area. But I fell that’s a normal part of being siblings close in age right?! If I broke up every fight, I’d spend my days as a referee rather than a parent!

@edgeofheaven How did you find it? Has it been hard having a toddler and a newborn? My biggest fear is the extreme sleep deprivation. Being awake with a newborn and then waking up five minutes later with the next child needing food!

I have two larger age gaps of 4 years between 1 and 2 then 6 years between 2 and 3 then 16 months between 3 and 4.

If I could go back in time and wave a magic wand I'd have had them all over 4/5 years.

It was hard having a baby and a toddler but nowhere near as hard as having two toddlers, a tween and a hormonal teenager.

I found newborn and toddler easy, but DC4 was the worlds easiest baby and slept about 20 hours a day!
1&2 and 2&3 were hellish.