Hello all,
well... as the subject states, I am at the end of my rope and simply do not know what to do.
My wife and I tried for a few years to have a child. Getting pregnant was never an issue. It usually happened the first month we tried. However, there were always issues.
With our first, our doctor told us we must end it in the 3rd trimester due to an extremely rare genetic issue. The child had zero chance to live and was rapidly deforming and if we let it go to term, it would likely kill my wife.
That was hard on us both, but mainly on her. She wanted at grave, which I didnt agree with, but kept it to myself since she thought it is what she needed. She visited it nearly every day for almost a year.
The next try resulted in a miscarriage.
The 3rd time was, seeming totally normal and healthy. A boy! We had both always wanted a girl, but healthy was healthy and all that mattered.
The day came, and indeed, via c-section our DS was healthy and beautiful. There were however.. complications.
I won't go into the details, but since that day, my son and I are alone.
We actually had moved to the continent and I could hardly speak the language. My wife was fluent, so took care of the "life details".
I was lucky enough to have some of her friends help me to understand how the things worked and manage them more or less on my own now.
We had already planned that I would take a year off for the little one as my wife had an extremely high paying job. I had not really wanted to, but it was her dream job and she loved it.. so.. suck it up buttercup. Not to say I made didnt make enough for us to live fine.. she was just on another level. Though, with most things in life she was on another level compared to me.
My DS son has just turned 10 months. He just took his first steps and is a complete one baby terrorist organization . He excels at mischief.
My niece is staying with me from the states as an Au Pair. I go to language school half the day, study, do some construction on our 120 year old house for a bit any then take over watching my boy.
Here's the thing.
I hate it.
I would give up everything to go back to how things were before. I love my son, but I would give him back to have her again with me. I know it makes me a terrible person, but it's how it is.
He just takes everything from me. All that I have left.
3 times a night, like clock-work he wakes screaming. I pick him up, I sing to him and normally he is back to sleep in 5-10 minutes. Sometimes it takes me an hour or 2 though.
I want to scream at him "GO BACK TO SLEEP A$$HOLE!", but I don't. Though, only because I know it will keep him awake longer. And I am so tired. Not just my body, but my mind, my soul.
Sometimes he melts my heart. I wave bye bye in the morning and he blows me a kiss instead. (my niece taught him that) When I come home, he goes insane. His big black eyes so happy and blonde hair flopping about. (Amazing as my wife was Chinese by birth)
But other times, he drives me to the limit. I sometime have to put him in his crib and go outside and have a smoke because I literally cannot take another moment without losing it. (was never a smoker before)
I feel perhaps I was not cut out to be a father. Certainly not one alone.
I just don't know how much longer I can continue like this. I am so tired. My DS has no mummy and I have no wife. It was never supposed to be like this. We waited until later in life so we could give our child every advantage.... now... I am not sure I have enough to offer.
Does it ever get easier?