Absent dad back in touch after 4 years of nothing?

[Katymarie92]

Bit of a long one but I’d really like some advice

I split with my partner when our daughter was 3 shes now 6 (7 in a November) met my current partner who has stepped up for her and took her on like his own, he’s been there for her through everything I couldn’t ask for a better father figure. But a bit of background.. her biological dad was never really interested in her he was always in and out, i had to twist his arm into minding her for me any time or coming on days out with us, he was violent to me in front of her, he had me in an extremely dark place. Fast forward to now, i’ve heard nothing since he left, he knows my email address (i had to block his number when we split due to the aggressive texts i was getting threatening me and my new partner) he knew where i lived, he knew my mums address, he could’ve contacted any of us on social media. But nothing.. not a birthday/Christmas card or gift or even a reach out to come to an arrangement in all these years. He has been eventually forced to pay for her through child maintenance not by his own accord. Now I finally receive a message saying he misses her and wants to be back in her life? Now my daughter doesn’t remember him so thankfully him leaving has done her no damage because she was so young. But honestly i don't buy it.. why now? I ignored the message and haven’t responded, now my problem is, is that I don’t know wether to put it to my daughter that i’ve had a message would she like to see him if i arranged it. I’ve put this to her in the past and she has point black refused and got upset that she thought I might make her go and see him. As he’s a stranger to her. I’m torn wether to stick to what I believe now that he’s had his chances he hasn’t bothered in years she doesn’t need him she’s better off without. Or asking her again.. would this mess with her head do you think? If she was to find out when she’s older and asks me why I didn’t tell her? if she was to shock me and say yes is it putting her at risk of being hurt by him because i strongly believe he will show his true colours and let her down again like he always has done. My partner is with me on that we just ignore it. But if when the day comes when he wants to adopt my daughter like he has said he would love to do one day, the ex will make this impossible surely. And if we want to take her abroad one day, again, he will make this difficult for us as he is on her birth certificate, purely out of spite because thats the kind of person he is. I’d just really like a second opinion from other mums possibly in the same situation. Thank you in advance

Inform him because he exposed her to violence and that there is no relationship between them, contact will need to be heavily supervised in a contact centre at his expense, if your child agrees, since contact is solely for the child’s benefit.

Or, just ignore him, he can communicate with you through solicitors and go to court. I don’t imagine he’d bother. Did you report his violence?

Text back that you believe allowing a judge to decide how /when he has any contact would be best.
Doubt you will hear back...

Yup. Court all the way if he can really be arsed. I'd not be facilitating this. Did you ever report/have proof of the DV?

Horrible answers on here.
It is not about what you want. It is about what she wants.
Ask her.
When she is a grown adult she will go looking for him anyway.
Tell me would you grow up to be 18 and not go looking for your real father?
Put her first.
Ask her what she wants to do

He needs to jump through hoops if he wants to see her. Show he is responsible, no longer going to kick off and won't let her down.

Contact centre to start with and only if he can manage that can he have regular 1 to 1 time.

Thank you everyone for the advice there should still be a record of the domestic violence as i had to get the police out a few times to remove him. His sister also barged into the house we where living at once after he rang her during an argument and she hit me in the face whilst i had hold of my daughter she was only about 11 months at the time. There should be a record of that somewhere aswell. I do think I should ask her really and if she doesn’t want to know she may want to go looking when she is older Or she may not. I wouldn’t get in the way whatever she decides. I think his next step will probably be courts if I don’t reply.

A dc of 6 cannot possibly understand the implications of seeing such a man. As the adult op you get to decide. Or let a judge.
Not a small dc ffs....

Angel what a crock of shit.

Op I agree with pp, from the way you've described him he is a grade A dick. Maybe he's changed maybe he hasn't. Let the courts decide, don't let your Dd.

Thanks so many everyone I appreciate the advice I’ll take it all on board before doing anything else xx

I think it’s actually a very bad idea to ask her. She is too young to even possibly understand the consequences of saying yes, or no. Asking her would be very damaging for her, and you would be expecting a six year old, with no memory of the violence to understand the consequences of letting him back into her life. And what if she says yes, I want to meet him, and then he disappears, what will that do to her? You have to make decisions for her at this age, and protect her from all the complications surrounding this.

If it were me, I would suggest to him that he can start with birthday cards, Christmas cards and letters, to start getting her used to the idea. then supervised contact at his expense. If he isn’t willing to do that, then it’s really clear that this is all about him, and not her, and he can go to Court and make his arguments there. I suspect he won’t bother, I would bet money there is a new girlfriend who is judging him for having no contact, and all he needs is enough contact with you to be able to spin “the crazy ex won’t let me see my kid, but look I tried.” line.

Assuming he is going to disappear when he doesn’t get his own way, keep his contact details and all the messages. When she is much older, if she asks about him, you can show her what was said and what was offered, in an age appropriate manner, and you can give her the details to contact him herself, when she is a young adult.

A child is not stupid. I know I had clear thoughts feelings and wants at age six. I know if I had been asked at age six if I wanted to see my Dad - I woukd have said yes. Sadly my mother took that decision from me.
I see alot of mothers treating their child with utter disrespect. A child is not a thing that you own, a child is a human being with their own wants and needs.

Angel And if she asks her DD, and DD says no she doesn't want to, like last time, then that's fine right?

Because of the violence I wouldn't allow her to see him.
My mum was in the same situation as you, she didn't allow me to see my dad and now as an adult with 2 children I completely understand.
If he wants to see her, he should go through court and explain his actions towards you.
In my eyes he's a danger to his child and seeing him would need to be in a contact center. But I wouldn't want that for my child.
Go with your gut feeling, you're her parent and it's you that went through it. You do what you feel is right!

@angell84 was your dad violent? And if so would you still think your mum should have allowed him unsupervised contact with 6 yo you?

No one is saying a six year old is stupid. Of course a six year old will have an opinion.

What I am saying is that decisions should not be based on the opinion of a six year old, they should be protected from the responsibility of huge life changing decisions, where they cannot understand the implications of their choices.

At six, if you had asked me, I would have said I wanted to be an astronaut and live in America. I would have said I wanted to eat only fish and chips and cake, and that I didn’t want to go to school. I’m glad family decisions were not based surrounding my opinions.

I think the 6 year old should be told. I think I would later resent not being told. That my Dad wanted to see me.

How and if that contact comes about, if it's set by a court as supervised in a contact centre, that is not your decision. If she doesn't want to go, that too is her decision. Presumably solicitors and SS would be involved at that point?

As her mother it is your job to protect her from
People like him.

It's your DDs right to see her Dad. Despite your feelings towards him.

My father was violent to my mother, she left him when I was 3 and withheld contact in "my best interests".

He contacted me in my early 20s with proof that he tried over years to see me and reassured me he made a mistake being violent with my DM yet that didn't change his love for me.

Sadly he died suddenly before we met.

The grief was frightening and as much as I regret it now, my anger was directed at my DM for restricting access as a child.

Please know if you ignore this now, it could end up hurting your DD.

If I was in this position now, I'd make a plan put it to Ex with strict warning of 1 strike and he's out and further action would need to go to court.

Plan would be detailed, introduce as friend with you present, public place, once s month for as long as needed. Until gradually build up over a year. If he doesn't turn up/is aggressive towards you etc then withdraw and he can go to court.

He'll probably fail, but at least you facilitated it. So make sure you Document everything. Get a scrap book, take photos of them together. Reassure her, over the years make sure she knows her dad loves her but sometimes adults aren't responsible enough to be around their children but you'll support her if she wants to see/find him once she's a particular age.

As awful as it is to say, this isn't about you or your current DPs feelings. Your daughter needs to know she's loved by both parents to not grow up with attachment issues which tend to come to light in teenage years regardless.

Absolutely crock of utter shit from @angell84. Horrible answers on here.
It is not about what you want. It is about what she wants

The father committed domestics abusive, hasn't bothered with the child. She is being a GOOD PARENT by worrying about what harm it can do to her child by inviting someone back into the child's life who may just fuck with a child's heart by fucking off back into nowhere EXACTLY LIKE HE DID BEFORE. GREAT advice from pp about going through court - as is SO OFTEN PROVEN, the father cannot be fucked to go through the hassle of court ordered visits and off he fucks again into nowhere to live his childfree life (and therefore sparing the child the utter heartache of having a parent abandon them).

I bet your dd would want a garden full of unicorns too?
If he is serious he can go via the courts where dd's wishes and feelings can be assessed. As can he.
You have done a fab job so far op. Trust your instincts.