REALLY NEED ADVICE ABOUT OLDER DAUGHTER

[CHEDDARMUM]

Hi

My older daugher is 19. At the age of 17 and then again at 18 she had two psycotic breakdowns. She now has medication and is doing well. She is entering her 2nd yr doing Law at a university in london. She says she wants us to move to london (we rent in somerset) as she has been finding it hard to be without us. We can easily move as my partner works abroad and we can live anywhere. But my younger dauther (18) is keen to stay in somerset and attend a uni locally. The older one finds it very hard to make friends and has always been like that. We have tried to transfer her uni place closer but I don't think that will happen and she does say that london is better for her career. What do I do? I have been getting advice from friends and family but really dont know what to do.

I know how hard this is as my cousin had a similar experience before uni.

I don't think you should move to London and uproot yourselves and your other DD because unfortunately, the nature of your older DD's illness means that she could change her mind at any time.

If she falls ill again, she might decide that Somerset is best...or anywhere!

Stay where you are, remain in close contact and make as many trips to London as possible to support your DD.

She can always aim to come back in a few years. Is she getting regular counselling or support at Uni?

OP I'm sorry to hear this.

However my gut reaction is that you shouldn't move, even though I understand why you would consider doing so.

Next point - is she still taking her medication? If so then...

At some point (as an adult) she made the decision to move to London.

If you indulge the expectation that you'll uproot your life at the behest of her insecurities (I use that word specifically as you posted her mental heath is better but she "finds it hard to be without you") you will set a pattern for the rest of not only her life, but also that of your younger child.

London might be the best place for her career but you have to enforce if she can't hack it then maybe she needs to rethink her options rather than expecting the rest of the family to re-align their goals/expectations around her.

Harsh? Yes, but do you think her future employers will pander to her in this way?

They won't - so she can cut it or not. If not then why delay the inevitable.

So options...

• She stays in London but you offer to visit more frequently and offer daily support via telephone/Skype etc.

• she reviews her career path and looks to re-locate to a local uni course with a career path closer to home.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but she's now an adult that needs to take control of her own mental heath.

@CHEDDARMUM - I agree with both the two previous posters.

I would spend money on Skype or train tickets / air b&b rather than moving to London. Who knows what she will do when she has completed the degree. I would put a plan in place for her to have as much practical support / visits as possible until she finishes her degree ( which gives her something tangible to aim at ) & I suspect cheaper than moving to London. Also very hard as how would younger DD feel if everyone had to uproot for older sister. I would honestly just concentrate on what support you can put in place till end of degree & also yes yes make sure she is taking advantage of any support given by the university.

If DD2 ends up at university nearer to Somerset next year then you may be able to go and see DD1 during term time and perhaps stay for a week or 2 ( so I do realise not cheap but may be air b&b or something ) Certainly I would have thought less expensive and disruptive than the whole family upping roots and moving to London. I do have to say that if she can't cope with university , where they probably ( and they may not be great, so not saying a fact) - have people who could support her , then thinking on to living there with a job and the stresses of that sounds harder. I am with both @HennyPennyHorror and @DeRigeurMortis here. It must be very very difficult , but I think try to just break it down a bit and maybe if she can get through the degree with whatever university help is available ( and do make sure she is asking for it if needed - no-one knows who needs help unless they ask ) Skype - contact - visits , she may feel more confident to try to get a job / career in London. Otherwise then she actually might have to re evaluate what she can do. ( and no bad thing BTW - not all good jobs or happy lives are in London - ha ha No Shit Sherlock )

I don't mean to make light of this but I think moving to where she is when she is in yr 2 of what I presume is a 3 year degree when you have another daughter to think of sounds like a very big step. I would put whatever you can in place to support through the degree and then look at it again.

It is very hard so I hope I have not been trite - but all best to you and DDs