Help me avoid a children induced nervous breakdown!

[MenopausalMrs]

I am just looking for a bit of advice really because my kids are currently running rings around me!

Long story short, and so as not to drip feed, I have 2 x DC – 13 and 9. I separated from their Dad (STBXH) in September (my choice) and I’m currently going through a VERY acrimonious divorce from him. His behaviour has been crazy - he was basically harassing me and my family, and entering the family home (which he still owns half of) when I wasn't there and going through my personal belongings and moving things around. His behaviour has really affected me mentally in that I no longer trust anyone and I’m worried about what he will do next.

Both STBXH and I have started new relationships.

I have the DC 80% of the time, I work full time and my DF has advanced dementia so I try to help out my Mum who is his carer as much as I can (mentally and physically).

I am really struggling with my kids in that I do all the washing, cleaning, ironing, cooking, running around to clubs etc. They do basically nothing. My house is a constant mess – they eat things and just leave the wrappers around the house. I ask them to put their washing away and they just throw it on their floor or shove it in a drawer. I have explained to them that when the house looks like a tip it really stresses me out, but they just don’t seem to care.

The other real thing that grates on me is that they bicker CONSTANTLY. Like from the moment they wake to when they go to bed.

I have had enough. I try talking to them, shouting at them, taking away Xbox etc, but nothing seems to get them to change their behaviour. I literally am at the end of my tether, I’m so tired, knackered, fed up of feeling like a slave. I’m trying to hold it together for them through all these stressful things and they just don’t give a crap. They see their Dad 1 or 2 nights per week and from what I understand never play him up like they do with me. I feel like walking out of the door and never coming back, I really have had enough.

I don’t have much money, rarely have a night out because the cost of a babysitter would be £50 before I even have a drink. I try to get friends to come to me but when they do the kids play up and I’m running around after them rather than seeing my friends.

Sorry for the long ramble and rant! Has anyone got ANY advice they can share before I curl up into a ball and sob for the next 10 years??

It sounds difficult but I don’t think your kids are the main source of stress. You need to work in reducing other sources of stress.

• contact women’s aid/solicitor about the situation with DH
• contact adult social services to get an assessment both for your dad and mum to see if there is anymore support you can access
• do they stay over at the ex? You can go out then.

Lower your standards for house work and call a family meeting. Be honest with your kids, you are finding the divorce difficult (don’t slag off the Dad) and being the solo parent is hard. You need their help around the house, what do they suggest?
If they don’t care about ironed clothes then don’t iron.

• say rubbish wrappers must be removed by x o’clock and communal areas tidied or the WiFi code will be changed in return they can leave their bedrooms messy as long as they bring down dirty washing when requested, empty their rooms of rubbish once a week and keep their bedroom doors closed.

Then work on your relationship with them ask for suggestions of cheap family things, choosing a recipe and cook together, weekend kids cinema, going for ice cream, happy hour pizza and pasta.

All fab ideas above except keeping bedrooms closed. I would worry about the fuggy smell and mould starting if the room isn't ventilated. Could you suggest that sat am is cleaning time in the house followed by sat pm being fun things.

Sorry you are having such a hard time at the moment. Some good ideas have been given already. Can you sit the kids down and work out a jobs rota, because you shouldn’t be doing everything, look on pin interest for lists of age appropriate chores lots of good examples are available. Maybe have bins in most rooms so it’s easy for them to throw the rubbish away. Make your bedroom really comfortable a little refuge and build in some self care daily, some time for you, things like 5 min meditation online (or just long breaths) reading, a bath, calling a friend, hand cream on hands or self foot massage.
Do the kids have too many clothes? Maybe it’s time to cull or the outgrown stuff, makes it easier to put things away and less things for you to wash.
You might want to think about decluttering bit by bit - there are some good threads about that in house keeping, less stuff around makes tidying easier. Also clear zones I ask family not to leave things on the sofas and work tops, this helps the house feel tidier. tell the kids no Xbox until chores are done. You need to sell the concept of team work to them (I’m also trying this!) so a family meeting would be good and get their ideas and get them to agree to stuff so they take ownership.
The bickering is hard. Is it more when they’re tired? Played too much Xbox? I find both those things are factors for my kids. I tend to limit Xbox and the behaviour improves. Going to the park or on a walk whilst talking about the issues can help.

Can you secure your paperwork/ stuff to prevent nosy ex going through them?
Just try a bit at a time- you’ve got a lot going on. Simplify as much as you can.
Good luck