Not enjoying being a mum

[Coffeeandtv1983]

I have 2 boys, 3 and almost 1. Lately I’ve been finding things hard and find myself thinking about walking out the door and never coming back. A lot of it stems from sleep. Youngest one has never slept well and ends up in with my husband and I at some point every night. 3 year old tends to wake up around 5am and wake youngest who will then not go back to sleep. Then end up downstairs with them by 5.30, little one wanting me to take his hands and walk him about the place, oldest already starting to get tired again! I could live with this apart from the 3 year old is then tired and whiny all afternoon. I find myself getting very grumpy about all this and then struggling to be a good mum. I’m worried I’m ruining my relationship with my eldest who already much favours his dad. Thing is, I know they are just doing what kids do - just feel my ability to deal with it is so low. I have a great husband who does as much as me. Just don’t think I’m cut out for this mum thing but 3 years in it’s a bit late for that realisation. Any advice on how to suck it up and get on with things?

I’m sorry you’re having a tough time
Through talking to friends I think a lot of mums go through feeling like this at some time or other - for me it’s always coincides with times I’m not getting enough sleep! Sleep deprivation messes with your head and makes even the smallest things seem ten times worse and unmanageable.
Do you think you really are not happy being a mum, or is it that you’re having a tough time and struggling to cope with the current situation? How long have you been feeling this way?
My first recommendation is to try and get more sleep if you’re up at 5 every morning - could you and DP take it in turns to do DC’s bedtime while the other gets an early night? Are you a SAHM, do you get any time to yourself away from the kids?
Xx

It is tough I know OP, your boys are very little and it’s a demanding stage of their lives, coupled with very little sleep. It does just easier, I have two boys now 18 & 16, but I still remember how hard it was when they were small.

You need to do whatever you can to get through it, have you got someone that can help you get some rest during the day? Try not to worry about your housework, that will always be there! Go to bed early, even when the kids go, read and sleep. Take any help you can and don’t be to proud to ask for help. Could you and DH take turns in having a lie in at weekends.

I don’t think for one minute that your not cut out to be a mum, you are exhausted and feeling like that sucks the joy out of life. I have been there, and it does get easier, hang on in there it will get better.

When you’re exhausted and seriously sleep deprived you clearly need some stress relief and you are not getting any. Lack of stress relief wipes out joy and you end up feeling flat and like you are dragging yourself through the motions. I encourage you to talk to DH and do whatever you possibly can to get 1) More sleep 2) Stress relief - whatever that looks like to to you, everyone has different ways that brings their stress down. Also as much as you love them, a break from the children. Once these factors are increasing almost certainly the joy in life will start to seep back in. I had 3 under 5 and I also remember those days.

I never walked out (we all have those tempting thoughts) and have 3 lovely teens who I really enjoy.

It was actually my BIL who was a physical therapist who pointed out to me I was getting no stress relief. It’s so obvious but makes all the difference, the sleep deprivation and the monotony grinds us all down, you are only human! This time does pass, it’s hellish at times but not permanent.

Thanks so much everyone for the kind responses - it helps a lot. I went back to work part time at the start of June but found myself with a lot more annual leave left than expected so have been taking some extra time off. Going back to work helped and I’m in a very lucky position that my parents are nearby and happy to help out. Even in maternity leave my eldest was in nursery one day a week. That’s why I worry that despite all this help and time away I still feel like I’m struggling! Hence, wondering if I’m not cut out for parenthood.

I think I will try early nights. Always torn between that and actually having a bit of time to ourselves in the evening but think maybe best to go with the sleep option til we ride out these early years. Also good tip about some stress relief - had been looking at going to a class at local gym. Might try something high impact and get out some rage.

Feel like that today. DD is 3 and currently pregnant with second one. DD is not a good sleeper at all, wakes up at night at least once for a bottle and is up early morning. Scared how it's gonna be when second one comes. So tired but hoping in few years I'll get a lie in finally

If you've made it this long without having these thoughts before I'd say it's a sleep deprivation problem not actually being a mum that's your issue. Try to work on getting the kids to sleep more. Would a gro clock or something similar help? Some things to occupy them in their rooms in the morning? Is the oldest responsible enough to go downstairs and watch some cartoons before you need to get up?

Struggling at times and not always being happy about the situation doesn't mean you are a bad parent or not "cut out" for parenthood. It simply means you are a human being.
I'd put the 3 year old to nursery more often than only just once a week, unless there is a reason against doing that (e.g. he's just not ready for it). At that age it'd do him good.

Can you get away on occasions? Maybe a day off sometimes or even a weekend - alone or with your husband? Do you meet other parents?

Can you and your dh trade off on doing the mornings? I find this helps a lot. My youngest was waking at 4-5am for several months (I leave for work several days a week at 6am and work 12 hour days so just getting that extra hour of sleep is really key or else I’m a zombie).

Dh and I traded off. The mornings when we each most needed the extra sleep the other got up at 4am ish. We also try to get into bed not long after 9pm on weeknights. On weekends, we stay up later to actually see each other. Also working has helped. I work 4 long days a week and even when I’m tired, it’s a good way to re-charge.

Thanks again for the replies @Winter2019 I feel for you, hoping new baby will be a good sleeper for you.

I guess I’m realising like everyone I have good days and bad days. Sometimes I’m quite philosophical and think this will not last forever so just need to get on with it. Other days feel so worn down and that I can’t cope.

Husband and I do take turns of dealing with them first thing. Think will tweak it a bit so I get a ‘lie in’ on the days I’m going to be with them by myself all day. Also going to get couple of things to look forward to in the diary.

@Bobbiepin just realised you asked about gro clock etc. We have one but he just ignores it. Will maybe give it another go, try reward chart with it maybe. There was a time we got him to go back to his room with iPad but he won’t do that anymore. Recently put a wee lamp in his room with the idea he could put it on and play if up early but so far not up for it. Won’t go downstairs without us either. Guess we should he former but so tired to have to deal with full on tantrum at 5am!

OP you’re in the thick of it age wise with your kids. I found 1 and 3yr old a very hard time too. So go easy on yourself, not everyone loves having babies and toddlers. I much prefer my children these days (just turned 7 and 4.5yrs). Things started to improve when the eldest turned 4 and have continued to improve from there on. You’ve just got to ride it out.

Ugh. No sleep is miserable- there is a reason why sleep deprivation is a form of torture op.
I was like this for years. Getting better now they're older.
Hang on in there and could you go away for a few nights?

Ah strangers on the internet have such good ideas, until you've tried them all with no success!

It's not a fix but if you can get them looked after and take a day off work to sleep it'll do you good. I had one day when my dd was waking up at 4am that I was so tired at work I couldn't stop crying and they sent me home. You aren't alone

1 and 3 is the hardest, honestly you couldn't pay me to back there. In my opinion OP it does get better. I worked FT since DS2 was 6 months old which really helped but I went to the gym x2 a week which really helped by MH more than anything plus losing the baby weight And I also did baking which is my guilty pleasure!

I have a 7yo and a 5yo, its been bliss for the past two years. Sleeping through, not waking up at stupid o'clock, can get dressed themselves, not having to watch them like a hawk, entertain themselves.

Thanks again guys, especially those who are giving me hope it will get better.