At wits end with toddler

[dancingrobot]

I am pregnant, very tired and getting help for my mental health (antenatal depression)

I need to try to be relaxed but I have a 2 year old. You do the maths.

I work with children and have trained in child psychology, learning, development.... so easy when they are other people's children 💆🏻‍♀️

But my own. He is lovely but so active I am pretty tired. Also gets very frustrated and upset if he doesn't get his way. Normal right?

So there, the issue at hand is not said child, since he displays completely normal behaviour for his age.

But more and more I struggle. Today he wanted to help me clean. I gave him a job and a tool, but of course he wants mine. Ended up a big mess and I sent him upstairs with dad now I am sitting here in tears gathering the strength to parent the rest of the day.

My family were pretty mean and strict growing up and I do know better so I try so hard.

But I am constantly stressed. I have ordered two new books (I have to read a lot of them for work anyway) but I am struggling. I suspect he is not entirely NT or I have screwed him up already, I do have boundaries in place but I think I have relaxed them because of the pregnancy and current state of affairs with my MH.

I see other children his age sitting nicely for story time or families going out looking relaxed and more and more I feel like a failure of a mum

Surely giving him 2 different tasks and 2 tools should have allowed me to do the real cleaning as any other mum could manage.

He always needs us to play with him and activities need to change constantly.

I am finding it so hard because when I work with other children I manage so well and I am calm all the time, 100%, but why can't I with him?

How do I get through another week of tantrums and demands?

Thank you. A rubbish mum who really tries.

Your stability is his stability so first off be kind to yourself. Lower your standards. Feed him his main meal at lunchtime and give him a packed lunch tea. Or toast.

Secondly, when he behaves in an anti social way put him on his bed and very sternly say 'not fun.' Sustain the moment for about 10 seconds then forget about whatever he did and move on.

If he does something age appropriate forget about it. Clean something else. Honestly, it is as annoying and simple as that. And it is annoying.

Thirdly. It does get easier. I promise.

So clearly you’re not a rubbish mam. You’re a mam with a toddler, and with your work background you know yourself a fairly normal one. They come in all shapes and sizes. Some are better at independent play and some....not so much. BUT it would be best for him- as well as your own sanity- to start helping him build these skills now ie ability for some small periods of alone/directed play and also patience as he won’t have a choice when new baby comes and you don’t want him associating the changes with little brother or sister. Does he have his own room? With stair gate on door? If so try giving him short bursts of alone play in there- just toddler proof the room first. And just to repeat you’re NOT rubbish.

I’m going to try to say this as nicely as I can - your standards are too high.
People with two children have lower standards that people with one because it’s physically impossible to have

1. A sparkling clean house
2. Pregnancy exhaustion / baby
3. A toddler

Something has to give. Personally I would give up on the house a bit! I can only properly clean once the kids are in bed. It means longer days for me, but having the children undo what I’ve done is demoralising, so I don’t do it.

You haven’t screwed him up. Promise.

Have you tried getting out the house and staying out? Packed lunch and a park?

I’m 36 weeks pregnant and my children are out the house as much as possible, We circle various parks / soft plays / swimming pools because they can’t make a mess if they are not in the house. And they are better to handle when they are knackered.

I found the combo of a tough pregnancy and ebullient 2 year old challenging to say the least! We definitely lowered standards (and they are still pretty low now baby is 9mo to be fair...)

I’ll probably get flamed but CBeebies and the iPad featured heavily. Some days I’d get home from work and lay on my bed trying not to vom, playing nursery rhymes while toddler literally just bounced up and down next to me. Dinner was regularly (and still is) “picnic tea”. My DH would take her out for a good few hours on a Sunday to tire her out and give me a rest. He also did a lot more around the house when I was really struggling.

Actually looking back I think she quite enjoyed it all, it was me that felt like I was failing her. It’s really hard and you’re doing a great job, don’t listen to the nasty head squirrels telling you otherwise.

Secondly, when he behaves in an anti social way put him on his bed and very sternly say 'not fun.'
Honestly, he rarely does and responds so well when I explain. He had a short lived hitting phase and that was dealt with in 2 days, which makes me feel that I am the one screwing things up.
I should not have attempted the cleaning, it was a bad choice.
I just keep making bad choices 😔
Thank you. I do hope it gets better but the exhaustion is making it so hard. Thanks @OhioOhioOhio

Thanks @AineSAHM He does have a room and stair gate, I suspect, again my parenting faults that he has felt "pushed away" from me as I have been taking some time for me every evening now for my MH, which never happened before as we have no family here, so he has been with dad more.
I guess I keep replaying my childhood in my head and worrying I am doing the same to him, or that I am damaging him because my family were so rubbish with me.

Crying again and I need to go upstairs and deal with the climbing and all that.

I always played on my own and had nobody reading me stories or bedtime books so I am struggling 😔

@Middledistancerunner I promise you the house is a mess 
I just needed to clean the fish tank because the fish needed it!
Yes to going out, tiring but so much better when we are out and he is distracted. Maybe tonight I make a plan for this week and we go out every day (we do garden otherwise) no excuses. Thanks

@Aozora13 we were doing more CBeebies than I care to admit because I was very tired, but the other day I drove to a lovely playground and he refused to go and said he wanted home. Have choices and drove home as it started to pour down anyway. Once at home he asked for cartoons so I didn't like that, I don't want him to think time outdoors can be cancelled for cartoons so we are having a week of none as he was getting a bit too into them.

After this week he can watch a bit (he had been ill so we had done more that a bit previous to playground)

Thank you all, time for shower and getting ready now, and to face the parenting.

You have already helped me and get it out of my chest.

Oh and we also somehow managed to kill a fish in the tank 😔

He sounds like my two and a half year old. Totally normal as far as I know.

Can you find playgroups or softplay (a small one you won't need to run around) to take him to? Do you have a garden? If so toddler proof it and get him a balance bike to whizz around on. Put music on and get him to dance. How about swimming lessons? If you can manage it yourself of course.

All of the above will help burn off his energy.

@squeekywheel they are full of energy aren't they?
We do all that 😭 He absolutely loves the balance bike and he is getting so good on it we have a big garden so he goes there (often I have to race him a bit but not always)
We do swimming once/ twice a week but that is only an hour or so at a time.
We had 3 playgroups to go to but due to cuts our local centre has just closed so that is 2 groups gone and the other one has stopped until September.

I am going to work out a plan for the week and have at least 1 activity a day that takes us out of the house (not just garden)

We are quite outdoorsy and he doesn't like being indoors so we need to be out by 9am or he gets impossible.

I find it so hard

Oh we do dance parties but he wants me to dance too 😭😭😭😭
Who wants to dance alone? 😭

Hence my username

My suggestion would be getting childcare in place for eldest when the new baby comes. Even a few half or full days a week. The first months I found really hard with a newborn and 2 year old and my 2 year olds behaviour deteriorated.

@Waiting1987 he has childcare but it has stopped for the summer (I teach so I don't work school hols and I don't have childcare then)
I only teach twice a week though

The cleaning thing is normal. It happens when I try to clean. DS obviously just thinks "mummy has the sweeping brush therefore the sweeping brush is the best." "Oh now mummy has the duster, that must be the best."

I guarantee you're only seeing the placid toddlers out and about, or ones in an unusually placid mood. My DD was fucking feral at 2, never sat, never listened. I remember the agony of being pregnant with a rabid toddler. She's exceedingly well behaved now (5). It will pass, it does get easier.

Well if childcare continues when you are on maternity leave at least it’ll give you some breathing space.

You sound like you are doing your best and most definitely not a bad mum.

Oh goodness yes get childcare in place for when your baby is born! A two year old and a newborn is not easy. For the first month after I had my youngest, eldest went to the childminder full time! It meant he had a usual routine, lots to occupy him and lots of attention etc. While I sat at home feeding his brother in my Pj's and sleeping when he napped.

Do not feel guilty about lots of telly. My eldest watched a lot of paw patrol while I was feeding his brother etc. If you need to get something done round the house, put the telly on and sneak off elsewhere to get it done.

I think you're putting far too much pressure on yourself to be perfect. I wouldn't worry about him having to entertain himself for a little while. He will have to do it when the baby arrives. So sooner he learns now. I also wouldn't worry about it as he gets older. My two are both thick as thieves now and play and entertain each other while I do the housework etc.

It's easier with other peoples kids because you're not emotionally invested in them like you are with your own.

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww OP!!
you're definitely being too hard on yourself.
My poor 3 year old had a terrible time while I was pregnant. I was being sick a lot and had antenatal depression. Spent a lot of time just lying on sofa crying....
I did start taking anti depressants which were a game changer. Got some support from peri natal mental health team too. It's a very low referral threshold if you're pregnant. They really take it seriously.
Since feeling better I have had energy to put right behaviour stemming from my illness. Even got potty training done with 6 week old baby!
Please believe me, your child's behaviour is normal, your parenting is fine, some days we have to pick our battles and get into survival mode. When you have a good day, you can do a bit more. For now, take it a moment at a time!!

Is there a neighbour who has a 13 ish yr old who could come over and be a mothers helper for a few hours a couple of days a week. Someone just to play with him, so you can sit down and have a mental health break (or clean if that would make you feel better) I used to do this in the late afternoon when my dc were getting all ragged from the day and I was too. It made a huge difference and didnt cost that much as it wasnt babysitting per se as I was still in the house. The girls who came over used us as training for proper babysitting and stays in touch even now my eldest is off to University