Please help with my toddler

[Catrinka88]

Hi,
New to the forum but at breaking point so really need advice.
I can not control my 2.8 yo daughter in any aspect.

Sleep / bed
Basically, she will categorically not let me or dad leave her room at bedtime, but will take over 2 hours to go to sleep so our whole evening is spent on a bedroom floor.
She won't nap for us (only the childminder) , we put her to bed 7.30 and she is clearly tired, but she will just talk and sing and play up instead of going to sleep.
We used to be able to leave her room- I would make an excuse eg I'm going toilet and she would happily talk herself to sleep but not now. She screams . Not cries, screams, hysterically, if we leave the room and does not stop.
What we have tried :
"Controlled crying"- it's not controlled, as she is so hysterical it makes her do that gasping breath thing and doesn't stop. Tried this numerous times

Rewards - introduced leaving a present from the fairy under her pillow if she went to bed like a good girl. This lasted 2 days, she was really bad on day 3 so didn't get a present and you know what- she didn't give a crap!!! - epic fail

Sitting outside her door- fail

Behaviour
There's too much to mention here, and I appreciate tantrums are the norm, but at the moment I'm at my wit's end.
"that's mine"
Eg if a child goes on the swing at the park she will scream, shout at them, major tantrum, hit us, bite us, and nothing, nothing, calms her. Iv tried explaining about sharing, iv tried distraction. She will just throw herself to the floor screaming, then play up for ages after.
If I tell her not to do something she will ignore me, or smile at me and continue doing it. She will refuse things and again, there is no reasoning. Eg a boiling hot day she decided she no longer wants to wear her hat - completely out of the blue. Nothing would make her wear it, I had to drag her home in the end and even then she wouldnt put it on .
Ok the hat thing sounds pretty pathetic now iv written it down but it's just this uncontrollable and random behaviour.
She refuses to let me dress her, change her nappy, brush her hair, get in the car seat. Etc etc etc

The biggest problem of all, is me.

I get angry, it get impatient, I shout at her (alot), I use scare tactics thinking they will work, I convince myself I hate her , I moan to my husband that she ruins everyday and that it's impossible to have a nice day because of her.
I have got worse due to my stress levels-, my mum, who I'm closest to in the whole world and would help me out alot, is very suddenly very ill, and will be confined to hospital for a very long time
My life at the moment is work, hospital, bedroom floor. And all Im doing is failing more at parenting every day.

I know I will be judged by this post, but what I am asking for is please some advice on how to handle this. I don't want to shout at her or drag her home over something as silly as wearing a hat. I don't want to ever have the thought of hating her enter my mind again, so something needs to change
(And I know that something is me...)
Sorry for long and stupid post

😬

Ok, so there are a number of things going on in this post. I have a 2.5 yr old myself.
So. Sleep and bed. Decide your method and stick with it.
The one that worked the best for me was controlled crying. It's hard on everyone, but it does work for me. Even when crying gets hysterical, I persevered.
How did you go about controlled crying?

Napping...at 2.8 she maybe is dropping her nap. My little one naps more at nursery as he is so busy he gets tired easier during the day. So don't worry about the nap. Some days she will, som3 days she won't.

Behaviour. My lo does all those things. It is 2yr old territory.
Today's tantrum was a biggie. I let him tAntrum. There was no stopping it. Every time he went to hit me, bite or whatever I moved him away and said stop with the hand sign for stop.
After a good 25 mins or so he started calming down. Then I said to him calmly, are you ready for mummy now? He said no a couple of times and kept going, but the 3rd time he said yes and then came for a cuddle and to say sorry.

When he lashes out when not tantruming we use a time out chair. He gets a warning but then gets put on it. It has taken us time to get this to work. We have had to battle keeping putting him back on the chair and ignoring the secondary behaviour to try to get off the chair.

You are going through a really tough time at the moment so cut yourself some slack. If she doesn't wear a hat, no biggy. Pick your battles. My eldest hated hats, refused them completely. My youngest loves them and wears one every day.

You are not failing at parenting....you have a feisty 2 yr old being 2. Who if is anything like mine will tAntrum if I give him a orange cup rather than the blue, then the next day because it's the blue not the orange.

Hey OP- to echo much of what the above poster said, breaking it down:

Sleep: for me it’s controlled crying too. This idea that there is a magic trick to get a child to want to sleep doesn’t exist, it’s habit and consistency. Put her in bed, stay a few minutes reiterating “night night sleep tight, see you in the morning”- the same phrase every nighttime will help your LO know this is bed time. Leave, go in every 5/10mins don’t speak just lay her back down and sshh, rub her back and leave.

Naps try the same thing, keeping the same time as the childminder (we following nap after lunch as that’s what our LO does as nursery). Though not all toddlers nap don’t try too much if it’s evident yours won’t.

As for the “mine”- I’ve yet to meet a 2year old who doesn’t say this, get upset when they are made to share. Keep doing what you are doing and if she kicks off remove her from the situation.
Tantrums: normal! Hell but normal for most people. My LO went ballistic in the park when I wouldn’t let her go on a piece of equipment for older children. Eventually it was evident nothing would calm her down so we left, she was too far gone.

The teeth cleaning, dressing, hair brushing/ it’s hellish. They’re learning their body is theirs and they have will. Either try and involve her “can you put your shoe on, say shoe” etc or just get through it as quickly as possible, it will pass.

Good luck- and btw have a defiant toddler is not down to parenting, it’s luck.

Oh I do feel for you - my dc was very similar at that age and it was tough. Agree with the above about consistency at bedtime - I went from a three hour bedtime to just under an hour in 3 nights once I decided to face up to it. It didn't get much better than that for a while but it was generally calmer.

I'm not sure if your dd is a bit on the young side but have you read the how to talk to kids so they will listen book? It is a lot of things you'd probably do anyway with enough sleep and patience but was an interesting read for me.

It also sounds like you have a lot going on so it's no surprise that you have a short fuse - are you getting chance to have some time away from dd so you can have a break?

And to reassure you, it won't last forever - my dc started to show signs of being a more reasonable being in the week of his third birthday (it was so unusual that I actually remember the occasion I first thought that) and now another 18 months on, he's an absolute pleasure to be around (most of the time - that temper is still lurking). I too thought that I would have scarred him with shouting, tears and tantrums of my own but they are very forgiving these little ones.

I'm sure you're doing an amazing job even though it doesn't feel like it at times so hang on in there and big hugs xx

No real advice but just don’t beat yourself up. Toddlers are hard work you’re doing the best you can. We all have dark thoughts at times of course that doesn’t mean you hate her but it’s hard when it feels like you’re trying to hard and they ruin everything with tantrums! Try to stay calm, be consistent and weather the storm things will improve

She sounds like a normal toddler and you sound like a mum doing the best you can in difficult circumstances - don't beat yourself up! Sorry to hear your mum isn't well, worrying about her will make all this much harder for you to deal with
We had the exact same bedtime issue with DS -what worked for us was doing the bath/teeth/book/bed routine then putting an audio book on for him, then saying we were going downstairs to tidy the living room/load the dishwasher or whatever, and would be back with a cuddle at the end of the audio book. He was usually knackered so he'd be asleep by the end of the audio book.
The tantrums/getting her to do something you want is really hard - I found a book called Playful Parenting helpful for this. If you can approach all these things playfully it changes everything from a battle to a game. Eg. when I brush my son's teeth I try to find Paw Patrol characters in his mouth but I keep getting their vehicles wrong so I'll tell him I can see Skye in her police car and he giggles and tells me she has a helicopter, then opens his mouth again for me to find the next character. Stuff like that works BUT it's hard to do when you're knackered and lacking in patience and don't want to have to make an entertainment out of every little task.
If nothing else works then time will - toddler years are a slog, but she'll get older and it will get easier. Hang in there!

Thanks for the replies everyone.
I think the behaviour was maybe getting to me more than usual due to the nightmare sleep situation so will tackle that first.
So she's still awake .
Annoyingly the stair gate we got for her room was too big. I made my excuse and shut the door but she gave me a fright after 5 mins as was standing on the stairs!

What device do you play audio books on please? May try it as a distraction
Other than that will let her cry (scream) it out

It sounds really hard, especially with the extra stress of your mum being ill. Be gentle on yourself.

A small thing but re the stairgate, does she need one at 2.8? I leave my 3 year old’s bedroom door ajar, he rarely comes down the stairs but if he does gets taken straight back up again. She might be doing this screaming at night because she’s learnt it works and gets you to stay, if you can gradually get her used to the idea that you won’t give in hopefully she will go back to singing/talking herself back to sleep again. You could try being in the next room or outside the door to begin with, to reassure her you’re nearby.

How is she on the stairs? Do you still need the gate on the room? Or would it fit on the stairs? Can that be rectified tommorow?
Tommorow, decide on a bedtime for her. Do your routine, then if you are going to go the controlled crying way mentally prepare yourself to be strong and continue it through to the end. When I did it I think the first night was really hard, but each night it got a bit better. Now he will usually go down without a fight.
First time she cries go in after a couple of minutes, the next time leave it 5 mins, then increase the time gradually. If she gets out of bed just put her back in it and walk away. The first time reassure her, then the next time just the actions. I will keep my fingers crossed for you! I made sure I had a good book so I could focus on that and would sit gripping my hands to stop myself going in to soon!

This is so hard for you. I understand. And with your mum too. Please be gentle on yourself.

Great advice from others. Agree to not sweat small stuff eg the hat. And remember everything is a phase. Everything.

Have you ever tried the “echoing” technique? It can help little ones who are frustrated, especially those who get even more frustrated when they feel their feelings are not being acknowledged. “Aha Parenting” is a great resource which explains in more detail, but basically it’s:

Toddler in middle of Tantrums/shouting eg “ don’t want to go” eg from park

You repeat what they are saying “Ah, you don’t want to go. I hear you. I understand you want to stay here. Wouldn’t it be great to stay here? You want to stay all night. I wish we could. We need to get home for dinner though. Let’s do that and we can come back [whenever]\or you mention something else positive to look forward to...]

Key is to validate how they feel and show child that you are listening to them. Often helped calm my child.

As I say there is more to it and also techniques for hitting/tantrums etc eg “ ah you are so mad/angry, I see how angry you are... it must be really difficult for you feeling so angry.. you can be mad over there but I won’t let you hurt me [step away to safe distance]... when you are ready to come to mummy without hitting I will be here ... “ . The theory is that if the child hears you empathising but setting boundaries the anger will turn to tears which defuses the energy in the situation for them and you can hopefully resolve your situation with a hug and tears rather than a standoff. Again, I was astonished to find that this often worked!

There is tons of free stuff on that website _ Dr Laura Markham.

I also found that when I was stressed the kid picked up on it. Sorry. That probably doesn’t help.

But

Do you get any time for eg Headspace or similar meditation/whatever kind of relaxation works for you? I found at that age I HAD to carve out some time for myself for meditation, even if just for 20 Mins, or I would go totally stressed...

We have a lightbulb which was bought on amazon and can connect via Bluetooth to play audiobooks. Also my son can choose the colour he wants the bulb to be. I leave toys in his room x

We have an amazon Alexa dot (waited until they were on sale at £30) and play (audible) audio books on that. We have most of the Julia Donaldsons on rotation plus the Beatrix Potter collection and a few classics like hungry caterpillar and tiger who came for tea. Sometimes we also ask Alexa to play children's bedtime nursery rhymes.

As for the bedtime routine stuff I've found giving basic choices helps a little, things like 'do you want the blue or red pjs tonight' rather 'than time to get into pjs' or 'do you want to brush your teeth first or story first' rather than 'time to brush your teeth'. In relation to teeth we found 'YouTube toothbrushing songs' very helpful for a while, along with strawberry flavoured toothpaste. Let's them have some control without actually being in control.

Also if they aren't napping much anymore perhaps some of it is over tiredness at night? Maybe try earlier bedtime when things are still quite calm and put the audiobooks/nursery rhymes on while one of you folds clothes/reads a book/writes a shopping list etc?

YouTube 'supernanny rapid return'.

Basically put them back in bed whenever they get out of it.

Thank you so much for the replies I really appreciate them all.

So tonight I have slight progress although it's not over yet. I sat outside her door, when she kept running outside I put her back and said I will have to close the door if she doesn't stay in bed. She didn't so I closed it, put the timer on for 5 mins and let her cry it out, after 5 mins, laid her down and sat outside again (door open)
I really thought she was asleep as it was so peaceful but she just ran out again and cuddled me 😂 so I said back in bed and she has gone straight back, no tears.

Will let you know when / if she drops off!

REF headspace, it's something I would like to start up when I get some time back- at present she isn't falling asleep until gone 10pm (22.45 last night..) so then I am rushing to get ready for bed and work the next morning. I'm really hoping we can muster this bed time routine so get an hour or 2 to myself in the evenings. 🤞🤞🤞 I did headspace a few months ago when had trouble sleeping , and got fixated on "compass gardens" - I was alseep in about 10 minutes it was incredible!!

Hubby is a great help, he encourages me to spend an evening with my best mate, but I spend the entire time stressing she isn't asleep so really can't switch off!

So in the time it took me to write that post it was so quiet, I again thought she was asleep but she's just got up again. I wonder why she isn't drifting off?...

Overtired? Undertired?

She naps for the child minder (3 times a week) but doesn't for me, and it doesn't make a difference so hard to tell.

So, I THINK she is finally asleep .... 2 hours

Hurrah! Hope it's quicker tomorrow.