What would you do if your 3.10yr old ....

[Sparky888]

Came in for lunch and pushed all of her cars off the kitchen table onto the floor and refused to pick them up?

Snatched a large toy off much younger brother so he fell over?

There a toy at you when you told her off (not shouting, firm instructions).

Do you do naughty step?
Take away a favourite toy?
Quietly say you don’t like it?

We are struggling to know what to do. She must have been tired as she went straight to sleep (when put in her room). But if tired, how to keep the show on the road eg eat lunch, with other kids and family there etc

Threw

We do step for aggressive behaviour, or for anything that's persistent despite asking not to (DS is 3.6). I would class the snatching off sibling and throwing as aggressive so step for sure.

Pick toys up or they go in the bin.
But I am harsh!

You just firmly repeat “no” or “we don’t do that” over and over each and every time child does this. A child that age isn’t going to understand right and wrong nor why they even did what they did. Taking away a toy isn’t going to make any sense at that age though the naughty step might (however not a method I would use if it’s because child is tired).

A nearly 4 year old not knowing right from wrong?! Of course they do. Dd is 2.6 and she knows what is expected of her and there are consequences if she doesn’t listen or continues with dangerous behaviour.

Op whatever you do make sure you are consistent in following through. So make punishments equal to the behaviour and something that you can do there and then.

Thanks all. It’s quite new as before now she has almost always done what we ask, tell, repeat etc. The provocative pushing/throwing is new, and so is being totally defiant eg pushing all toys on floor and refusing to help tidy up.
We used the naughty step when smaller, and it seemed to work, so will bring that back.

@MustardScreams just because a 2.5 year old knows they’re not allowed to do something doesn’t mean they know it’s wrong or that it’s dangerous. They know that YOU don’t like it, but not why.

@OP I suggest you see if you’ve got a local Solihull group near you, it’s an amazing group that runs for 10 weeks (roughly) and helps you understand what’s going on in the mind of your child and what they’re able to understand, how they’re thinking and feeling at each age and stage. You’re normally put forward for a place by your health visitor if you ask to be, honestly can’t recommend that group enough. They teach you about how to deal with behaviours at every stage right the way through to the teens as well as doing some family fun days too.

Completely agree with @MissingTheMissletoe

Each action has to have consequences, at nearly 4yo she can understand this.

• threw toys on floor and refuses to pick them up. Fine, she doesn’t get to play with any other toy until she picks them up.

• grabbed toy from sibling. Has to return toy Andy apologies for .org being rough. If she refuses to return the toy, you do it for her. If she refuses to apologize she doesn’t get to play with anything else until she apologizes.

• threw toy at you. Toy is confiscated and I would use time out for violent behavior that hurts others.

As an aside I think there is no age limit for understanding immediate consequences for behavior. A baby can learn not to bite the nipple if the breast is removed every time she bites. Behavior that is rewarded is repeated, behavior that is punished is extinguished. At an older age children can make more challenging cognitive/affective connections such as understanding social rules, empathizing with others, limiting their own needs based behavior in favour of others, etc.

Anything pushed, thrown or not tidied up would be confiscated with firm instructions as to why they were being confiscated. Repeat incidents mean ALL the toys go away.

Aggressive behaviour gets a time out, and they have to apologise.

My youngest is '3.10' (i.e. nearly 4).

That would be a very firm and sharp telling off (not shouting, just a clearly very displeased voice), specific to each incident, and making amends as appropriate (returning toy to brother, picking up scattered toys, toy thrown at me would be placed on a high shelf out of reach), then carrying on with lunch and the suggestion that as she is clearly tired she needs to go straight for her nap (would not be popular in this house, my dd doesn't nap at home any more). I don't hold with the 'naughty step' (nor, for that matter, with the awful word 'naughty'). I don't believe in forcing apologies either, because it devalues the apology, and especially at this age 'saying sorry' becomes an unreflected-on hoop they have to jump through to get things back to normal.