My partners ex is keeping his daughter a secret

[yelyahyoung]

Hi all
I don’t really know where to start and I have nobody to talk to about this really. It’s such a screwed up situation so I already know I am going to explain it terribly lol... sorry!!
Since I am pregnant, it is bothering me so much more. Probably the extra hormones but... still, inexcusable.
So basically here’s the story...
My partner has a daughter who is 10 years old, with another woman who wants NOBODY knowing that my partner is their daughters real father. The ex told my partner that the daughter was his when she was 5 years old. The daughter thinks someone else is her dad and goes round to visit him every other weekend I believe.
The ex has other children (not fathered by my partner) who also have been told the lie about fake daddy.
It makes it really difficult for my partner to see his daughter. I know how much it hurts him even if he doesn’t talk about it a lot. All I want to do is help and support him.
This will end up putting strain on our relationship, I know it will, because the ex gets to dictate everything.
I have ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM whatsoever in my partner visiting his daughter. I would sooooo love if he could be more involved in her life in every way. It isn’t that that bothers me. What bothers me is that he has to go round to her house to visit his daughter, and obviously because the little girl doesn’t know he’s her dad, it isn’t just her he has to go and see. And the fact that she knows that he will come calling if he knows that there is a chance he will get to see his daughter just for a little bit. For example, she asked him for a lift to the airport for their holiday... my partner viewed it as an opportunity to see his daughter whereas I saw it as her taking the piss out of him and doing her a favour.
Obviously his daughter and the other kids know that they have separated and he has a new partner (me), so I fear that everyone will start to think it’s odd that my partner goes round to visit. Because in their eyes, there’s no reason to. So I fear his ex will stop him from seeing her.
I just really don’t know what to do here, if anything. I feel so bad for him, my heart aches for him, and I want to make everything better but at the same time, it really isn’t my place to.
The ex really doesn’t want anyone to know. She has threatened him on occasions. She even texted him when we first got together to keep it discreet (I.e. not to tell me the situation) - yet again, another dictation. She sounds like an absolutely awful person. Who could do such a thing to their own daughter, and the real father... just shutting him out like he has no right.
It will come out one day, these things always do. She even looks a spitting image of my partner. Such a lovely little girl. This should have been sorted YEARS ago, but since she 10 now... when is the best time for her to even find out? Either way it will affect her...
I’m sorry that was long winded and very randomly explained. I’m just wondering if anyone could offer some advise or some sort of similar experiences. It’s killing me and I don’t want this stress harming our baby!
Thanks so so much I’m advance x

I’m sorry you have had no response so far, so, here are my probably rambling, thoughts on your predicament and some expert advice may follow from a MNetter with more experience.
So presumably your DP has made no financial contribution to his DD’s life?
Does the ex feel that her DD is better supported emotionally and financially by the man DD believes to be her Father? Does this (fake) Father - who she visits- think he IS her Father?
Poor child, what a mess. I think your DP should have refused to have let this situation continue when he discovered the truth 5 years ago but that is easy for an outsider to say. From what you say his ex sounds nasty.
Understandably you sound focused on the potential future fallout and how that will effect you/your DC. I am sure you are correct in saying the truth will emerge at some point. Also it would be nice for the half-siblings to get to know each other.
Whilst I can see why you dislike your DP grabbing what tiny moments he can with his DD I think he either carries on doing this so, when DD learns the truth she will remember the efforts he made- not ideal because, as you point out, this is all on his ex’s terms- or he ignores his ex and gets legal advice about the situation. Is he certain the 10 year old is his DD? Can he demand a DNA test? Is he in a financial position to step up with support?
Please don’t let the stress effect you and your pregnancy. You are blameless in this. You clearly are not wishing his DD away and just want a fair conclusion for DP and his DD. Be a listening ear to DP, encourage him to talk to a lawyer re his legal position and try and enjoy your pregnancy.

At the point that a man suspects that he is a father, but is prevented from carrying out that role, he should do whatever is necessary. If the parents can't sort it amicably, he goes to court to establish paternity and contact arrangements. Either he is happy with this situation or he has been really foolish in letting it continue. Either way, he doesn't sound like a good dad. What exactly has he done for this girl except be part of the lie? The girl won't just say "oh well" when she finds out that they've all lied to her for years. She could be pretty fucked up by it all, and who would blame her?

How did he let it get this far?!

This poor kid will be so messed up when she finds out the truth, which sooner or later will happen. How you can lie to a kid especially about something this big is madness.

Crunched: thanks for your response! My partner contributes financially to his daughter, yes, but so does fake daddy. The woman gets twice what she needs and is clearly using both men. And yes, fake daddy believes that the little girl is his daughter.
My partner did a DNA test not long after they first found out. She is definitely his. I did ask him this and if he actually saw it with his own eyes and it wasn’t just something she was saying. But no, he did the DNA test and it gave out the truth.
I don’t think the ex feels he is a better support, it literally is the fact she’s gone so far into the lie that she actually believes it herself. Classic behaviour of a compulsive liar! And the fact she has gone so far into the lie, means that her entire world would be destroyed if the truth came out - her other children and the daughter would hate her, the fake daddy would probably end up topping himself, and probably her friends and family would turn on her too. But that is NO EXCUSE!!! This is her daughters life she is ruining. I do not understand why a mother would do such a horrible thing.
Thanks for your advice about the legal support. I will sit down and talk with him about this properly. It’s so heartbreaking that he wants a relationship with his daughter so bad.

I think your partner needs to take some decisive action as in take the woman to court to then see his daughter on a regular basis.
I understand that this will cause some pain with the DD learning that who she thought was her dad isn’t and getting problems with the ex. However at some point the DD is going to find out anyway and she will blame your DP for lying to her as much as she’ll blame her mum. Equally at some point she’ll start wondering who your DP is and not bother investing in a relationship with him.
To be honest it’s a mess but things always come out in the end and the quicker it’s sorted the better as far as I’m concerned, lies like this are poison for relationships.

OnTheEdgeOfTheNight, Cecilandsnail and stanski:
Thanks for your responses also. It is very easy as an outsider to say these things. I also used to say them. How did you let it get this far, even if she did? Why don’t you just tell someone now?
It is so much more difficult than that. Especially with the threats from his ex. She even threatened to drive her car through the front of our house if he was to ever tell. It’s awful.
I think he is just so afraid of what it would do to his daughter. At aged 10, though, I think it needs to come out very very sooner rather than later. She is at an age now where of course it will affect her, but it will be easier to work on that it would if she were much much older.
Imagine being in your 30’s, at home with your kids, and news like that just suddenly came down crashing your world?
And please, I don’t think he is a bad father. He has just been harshly rejected the chance to be. I wouldn’t be having a baby with him if I thought he would be a terrible father.
He has done a lot for this little girl, but she just doesn’t know why. I think like Crunched said, she will look back on his efforts. It wont make it any better that he was part of the lie, no. But in some areas I can honestly say he doesn’t have a choice. But maybe now I’m around to support him, I can help him to make the right decision?
God I just want to help. Poor little girl.

user1493413286: this is what I’ve said to my partner also. As much as it might hurt and upset her at first, and everyone around her, it NEEDS to be sorted now rather than later along the line. I will always be at his side through this and will invite his little girl with open arms. I just hope he can be willing enough to go through with it, knowing that he isn’t alone with it anymore.

So they had a relationship 10 years ago, split up, he didn't know about the baby. Then she got with fake Daddy and thry split up too. 5 years ago she told your DP he was the Dad and they did the DNA? and he did nothing except give her cash and visit a lot os Mums friend? And he let fake Daddy keep on supporting her too and thinking he was the Dad?

It's a total mess but honestly you'd DH has played his part in making it so. This should have been sorted 5 years ago, via court if necessary.

Has he got a copy of the Dna results? He needsrgal advice if he wants to actually be this girls Dad.

This is dreadful. The poor child believing the wrong man is her father and the poor other man believing she is his.

Your DP needs a solicitor and to take action to get this sorted.

Would he get advice from a solicitor? Block his ex completely?
Try not to project what you imagine will happen (I know that’s easier said than done!).
Once it’s court ordered, he could get access to her? It’s very difficult without the ex’s support. There’s no easy way.
Liv Tyler has spoken about finding out her dad was not who she thought at age 10 ish. It worked out. However, it would seem all the adults were on board, that’s the big issue here.
Sorry you are going through this.

Yes, this should have been sorted years ago. No one is being treated fairly in this. The only one who benefits is the mother who is getting money from two men.

The girl has a right to know who her father is. The other man has a right to know he's been lied to.

Your DP needs to get this sorted legally.

“the fact she has gone so far into the lie, means that her entire world would be destroyed if the truth came out - her other children and the daughter would hate her, the fake daddy would probably end up topping himself, and probably her friends and family would turn on her too. But that is NO EXCUSE!!!“

You do know that not only is this no excuse, it’s also not going to happen right?! This is all so over dramatic and exaggerated, it really is utterly bonkers! I think you’re being influenced by the high drama and ridiculous behaviour of the ex, and buying into her narrative, rather than stepping back and thinking about reality.

In fact this is really the only thing you and your partner can change.

Stop buying into this woman’s dramatic threats and hysterics. This may be the way she wants to behave, and live her life... but you get to choose whether you join into this insane soap opera existence or not.

So, stop letting her be queen and dictator in her own personal soap opera, and dash some sensible real world cold water on the whole thing. No, in the real world you don’t continue this damaging charade, you go get legal advice, then take her to court to resolve this nonsense and arrange formal visitation. Full stop. No nonsense.

You record any harassment and threats, and go to the police if it continues. The law is on your side.

I suspect this woman will be shocked to find her will challenged, as it seems that nobody has stood up to her for a very long time.

SleepingStandingUp: he did know about the baby but she said it wasn’t his. It was on and off telling him it was his and then it wasn’t, basically when she felt like a relationship. So it was years of telling him yes and no. And yes he has a copy of the DNA results. Thank you for your response.

Corcra: I think seeking legal advice is what we should do together. Or perhaps I could go on my own, gather some information for him and then we can go together? I think that could work out better. And yes, that’s good about Liv Tyler. I really think it needs to be now or never, because 10 years old is old enough isn’t it? Thanks also for your response.

Thanks Doyoumind, I totally agree. She is the only person who is benefiting in this absolutely awful situation.

WellThisIsShit: thank you SO much for that response! That helped a lot. I have said the same to my partner about the massive drama she decides to live in and make him be apart of. It all needs to stop. And yes I believe she will be very shocked! But that is what she needs. A good kick up her stupid stuck up arse! I hope then she will realise what she has done, and easily let my partner see his daughter.
What I don’t get is the fact she went through all this as a child too, and even to this day her mother will apparently not tell her who her real father is. So why the hell is she doing the same thing to her daughter? I don’t believe she is any kind of mother if she doesn’t want what’s best for her child, and to protect her from the things she doesn’t want her to go through that she herself did. It’s insanity. That woman is insanity.

Thank you all for your responses, it’s very much appreciated. I feel immensely better about everything after getting it off my chest in more detail, and to receive such advice.

What a awful person that woman is, she’s fraudently claiming maintenance and lying to her child and this other man.
Your DP should speak to this other man and tell him the truth, he’s being defrauded. I would keep proof of ex’s threats if you can and most definitely get legal advice. I’m really disgusted at this so called woman’s behaviour, your DP needs to stand up for his daughter.

My mum(who was adopted) found out that her adoptive mothers birth son wasn't her adoptive dads. Her other adoptive brother found out years ago but was sworn to keeping it a secret he went years without taking to his brother (and family) as he felt he couldn't talk to him without having to telling him the truth(he lives in a different country so has never come back to visit etc)

After my grandad has died my mum spoke to her other brother and he told my mum what my grandma had confessed to him years ago. (sorry if none of this makes sense)

Basically my mum has told her brother the truth about who his real dad is and let him make his own choices on it

I know it's difficult because she is still a child and in her mothers care but when she is old enough she can make her own choices. We have a saying in our family "the truth will set you free"