New father feeling lost

[Sportbilly]

My partner gave birth earlier this week to what is our first child together (she has a 10 year old boy from a previous relationship who lives with us) and I am feeling lost already.

I love this little boy so much but my partner is struggling and in pain after a C section and I feel I need to do more to help her but not sure what.

I am trying to do all the mundane house tasks (cooking, washing and cleaning etc) and an trying to help with baby, however, finding it hard as mum is breastfeeding and feel limited as to what help I can give in this area.

Feels like when he crys only Mum can calm him and i feel my partner cannot get enough rest time as a result.

I feel a little bit useless and worse I feel all the baby workload is on Mum.

What advice can mums give me please. Really want to help where I can but baby so far seems to only want to respond to Mum.

Congratulations!

What you've described sounds really normal. In broad brush strokes, the accepted wisdom is that initially babies will do their best to bond strongly with mum as (evolutionarily speaking) that's where they get their food and security.

Do the housework, bring her food and drinks, sit and chat and marvel over baby together, bring baby to her, offer to snuggle or rock baby after feeds and while she showers, gatekeep visitors...there's so much you can do that's totally invaluable right now!

Congratulations!!!
I have had two C sections and it does make life tricky. Keep doing the house work, I'm sure it's very much appreciated. Perhaps you can take the baby for a walk in the pram after bubs has had a feed, and will hopefully have a little sleep, and send mum to bed for a little rest. Another thing you can do is try to keep visitors to a minimum so mum can relax.

It’s really early days, and all your relationships are shifting and finding a new normal. Establishing breast feeding means baby is programmed to keep feeding, little and often as this is all stomach can hold, and it is how milk supply is established. All you can do right now is the practical stuff. For me, clean bed sheets made it lovely to get into bed, even if there wasn’t much sleep going on. Ensure she is comfortable- lanisoh nipple cream saved me.
Make sure she has plenty of fluids, and easy nutrition- stuff you can eat with one hand.
The new born period is so brief, you will begin to be able to take him for little walks while she rests/ showers in peace very soon.
Also, from personal experience, look after your own mental health. Feeling overwhelmed with a newborn is normal, but if these feelings persist/ change, seek help, talk to friends, gp, whoever helps. My husband was mentally very unwell following birth. I did not see it as I was struggling to feed etc.

Congratulations!

The fact that you're worrying about this shows that you're already a great dad. My husband felt exactly the same when our little girl (now six months) was born. Have a read of this article about the fourth trimester to help understand why your baby only wants to be with mum for now: sarahockwell-smith.com/2012/11/04/the-fourth-trimester-aka-why-your-newborn-baby-is-only-happy-in-your-arms/

For the first couple of weeks when baby just wants to feed almost constantly, the best thing you can do is just look after your wife so she can look after the baby. Make sure she's eating well and drinking lots of water, change nappies, keep any visitors at bay and just be there for her. You can do skin to skin as well. This stage won't last forever - my husband now has the most fantastic bond with our daughter.

Good luck!

Aw how lovely are you!

Congratulations on your baby. You sound like a great dad and partner.

I'm sure others mentioned it but bringing a glass of water when she is breastfeeding, keeping visitors at bay if that's what she wants, letting her set the pace in terms of going out and about are all fantastic ways to help.

You'll find your own ways of calming the baby over time. Also your own special bonding things to do. My husband has been the king of bath time since week 1, that is his special thing that he does (while I relax!), my cousins husband designated himself the king of nappies- if he was in the house then he did every nappy change. He reasoned that his wife was responsible for the 'input' and he should be responsible for 'output'.

You'll find things that work for you. Good luck!

The best advice I had was that in the first weeks and months dads are there to help the mum.

Just keep doing what you are doing, follow your partner's lead and support her as much as possible.

Carry the mental load as much as the physical.

Never ever say the words "I'm tired"

My husband did everything and worked out a routine when he went to work to allow me the greatest rest. (He woke up, got dressed, did the laundry, unloaded the dishwasher, did any of the sterilising needed, made a sandwich for lunch for me, made me tea and toast. I woke up and fed the baby, he took the baby from me and winded her and changed her and played with her for a bit. I took that chance to shower and eat the toast and drink the tea). That way when he left everyone was dressed and fed and I had a sandwich for lunch. If he came home and found that I had barely left the sofa he promptly tidied up, did more laundry and made a quick dinner.
He also did all the nappies for nearly 2-3 weeks post C section so I didn’t have to bend. And brought me painkillers and lots of tea. And agreed with whatever hormonal nonsense I came up with!!! He was v encouraging of breastfeeding. He said, I will do whatever you need me to do and if you say I don’t want to, that’s fine. I told him in turn that I really wanted to keep going for six weeks and he had to get me to that mark. And he did. (And we breastfed for 14 months after that with DS1 and a year with DS2).
He also always did the bath routine. And finally, just be on top of the things that matter to her. I really hate the living room looking untidy (and DH doesn’t care!) but he made sure it was tidy for me. And the bond will come, be patient. Hold the baby when you can and the bond will come.

We have had 4 babies (not all at once!) and dh used to deal with the bottom end and I dealt with the top! We got into a routine at night where baby would cry, dh would do nappy, I would get comfy to feed. Or in the day dh would find me a fresh drink, pass me the remote control / book and make sure I had everything in reach for a feed. And yes to cooing at the baby together!

Don't take it personally when the baby only wants mum. He doesn't even know he's a separate person to her yet. He doesn't know you either - he will, over time, but right now he just wants to be attached to his mum. This is normal and healthy.
She can't rest as much as she needs to - she has a newborn! But as long as you make sure everything else gets done then she is free to feed and feed as she needs to.
The baby won't need to feed so constantly over the coming few weeks and will be happier being cuddled by you, so just keep doing what you're doing.

Congratulations!
You sound like you're doing a fab job.
It's really difficult for dads in the first few weeks.
Just keep supporting your DP in the ways you are and that PPs have mentioned.
Do the nappy changes and have a quick cuddle before handing back to mom while baby is awake (if they don't scream for milk straight away!) that'll help them get used to your smell too.
My baby loves daddy cuddles because he's so much bigger and cosier than me!

A breastfeeding mom won't get enough rest - just encourage her to sleep when baby does.

Ask if there's anything she wants/needs.
I'm breastfeeding and eat like a horse!

Soon enough you'll be able to be much more involved. We're only 9 weeks in and baby is much more alert and loves having a chat with daddy, and when he sings songs to her.

Congratulations!!

It's tricky and awkward, I know, but it sounds like you're doing all you can and I'm sure your partner massively appreciates the cooking/cleaning/washing.

It's not uncommon for men to feel like a spare part in the early days. But please take comfort in the knowledge that it won't always be like this. Just be there and the rest will follow. 😊

How about spending lots of time focusing on your stepson? He maybe feeling a bit out of sorts and I know when I had my second dc, I was so grateful that dh was there to focus on our older dd.
Congratulations

Congratulations!
I had to write because it sounds like you are doing an amazing job, and my husband felt very similar to you in the early days.
Basically newborns are super cute but don't exactly give much back - all they are interested in is food (so therefore mum!) and sleep.
However this does change quite quickly - I think by around 4-6 weeks my son began to smile and interact much more with the world around him, and my husband found it so much more fun.

The best help you can give right now is supporting your partner and your elder son. To help with your partner, I would say:

1. Nappy changes! Do as many of these as you can.
2. If baby is happy in a pram/sling, take it for a walk to give your partner a break between feeds so she can properly relax and rest.
3. Prepare meals, bring drinks to her, generally give her lots of moral support. Breastfeeding is hard work especially in the early days so I'm sure lots of encouragement would be really appreciated.

Try and involve your elder son in as much as you can as well if you feel he would enjoy it/it is appropriate. Show him how to change a nappy etc.

It sounds like you are doing a fantastic job and it is so so overwhelming - you have all these strong emotions for basically this feeding and pooing machine! However you do start to get much more back very quickly. Congratulations again!