I can't stand it anymore

[MilkMonitor]

DS is 27 months. His behaviour is really really trying my patience at the moment. He has major tantrums at the drop of a hat e.g. wants something, doesn't want it then he wants it again and throws a fit when I refuse to do exactly as he wants.

Please tell me this isn't his personality and that it is just a toddler being a royal pain? DH and I are finding it very stressful at the moment and find ourselves arguing. He thinks I'm too strict because I won't let DS dictate to us. I just don't want a brat for a child.

I think DH is more lenient with DS because DS, since he was about 5 months old, has always preferred DH. He actively rejects my hugs and hand and even getting him out of his car seat or pushing his buggy when DH is around. This used to hurt my feelings but I'm used to it now. I do wonder though what kind of child doesn't love his mother? Even DH says he doesn't think DS cares one jot for me.

Please, anyone got any advice on how to get through this very tricky time. I sometimes look at my son and feel great waves of irritation and even dislike because he's being so difficult. I feel like he knows exactly what he's doing and that can't be true, can it? I don't want to demonise him but I feel there's simply no connection there and I can't get through to him to get things better.

Every sympathy for you. I do think that you and dh need to act as one on this. It sounds like your dh is the easy touch and your ds knows it. Of course your ds will play up more to dh if dh gives in to him all the time. (Incidentally I think it's wrong of your dh to say that ds doesn't care for you one jot - that's just mean.)

You both need to agree on tactics in dealing with your ds. Personally, I have 2 toddlers and I am strict with them about a lot of things. I never ever change my mind once I have said no to something, even if we have to endure the mother of all tantrums.

Toddlers need and thrive on consistency. It's the most important thing I have learned in all of this parenting malarkey.

As for actively rejecting you, I suspect he knows what result this gets him. (They can be devious sods). Try to act all bright and breezy as if it was neither here nor there for you.

Poor you - you have my sympathy. I do think though that he is just being a typical 2 yo. They are testing the boundaries all the time and it is a phase they have to go through. I know there have been times with both my dss that I would quite happily have put them up for adoption but it is all a phase (repeat the mantra - it's all a phase, it's all a phase.......).

I am sure that your ds loves you very much but is it possible that at the moment you are the one playing 'bad cop' all the time to your DH's 'good cop'? If that is the case can you try and find something fun to do together without DH and try and keep the situation light-hearted by which I mean, so long as he isn't endangering himself and others let him have his tantrum if he starts, ignore and then give him a big cuddle when he has calmed down to let him know that although you don't like his behaviour you still love him.

I know too how hard it is when they constantly irritate you - mine frequently do that (aged 7 and 3.10). Sometimes you need to just walk away and leave them in front of the telly for 5 minutes whilst you have a breather.

This also sounds a bit soft and probably not one you'll find in the parenting manuals but I sometimes go and look at my children sleeping. They look so angelic when they are asleep you remember why you love them.

I think you are having real problmes connecting with your son.

I know that as much as I love him I find my ds much more irritating and annoying than my dh does. SOme of this is I think due to the PND I had when he was little but most of it is because he is very similar to me in personality and I so wanted him to have his dad's calm and unflappable nature. Instead he is more like me, moody, dramatic, whinging etc but he is also, loving, exhuberant, kind, imaginative and intelligent. As a result ds does prefer his dad most of the time - which I find a mixture of exasperating and sad.

The only advice I can give (and I know it may sound counter-intuitive) is to spend more - not less- time with your ds and to be a little less strict with him (he is still only a baby). Accept that he is going to be difficult with you for a for a while and 'act as if' you think he is wonderful, even if you don't feel it.

When I do this with ds for a while, I inevitably end up feeling he is wonderful and feeling much closer to him. I do have to put up with a lot of tantrums and difficult behaviour for a while but I find the calmer I am and the less personally I take it the quicker it subsides (easier said than done I know).

I have also noticed that whenever I am very busy at work or distracted a lot and when dh is doing the lion's share of childcare, ds's behaviour towards me gets worse.

The first thing to do is stop thinking that he doesn't love you. Two year olds are too young to understand about "love" and "caring". The only person in their life who matters is them - they haven't even fully worked out yet that other people have feelings. He's barely even aware yet that he is separate from you.

Preferring daddy is normal too - Daddy isn't there as much as you are, so he's a novelty. With dd at that age, Daddy was for playing with, Mummy was for giving out discipline. It will pass.

Toddler tantrums usually stem from frustration - he wants something, but doesn't understand that it isn't his/it's dangerous/it's fragile. He has no understanding of why anyone would stop him having what he wants - so becomes upset when he isn't allowed it.

He is starting to become a little more independant, but isn't old enough or skilled enough to do the things he wants ... so cue more frustration. And his first exercises in independence will leave him sometimes unsure of what he wants - for most of his life you have made all of his decisions for him, so he isn't very good at making decisions yet. So he wants it ... no, he doesn't ... yes, he does ...

It's frustrating for you, but it doesn't sound very unusual.

Just a thought,MM but do you think your DS could be tired when he tantrums? My DD 27 months, is completely unreasonable when she's tired or hungry. I don't try to reason with her at these times. She is completely different once she's eaten or is well rested.

Milk, he's a normal toddler! Mine is exactly like this except that he likes me and rejects DP which I know DP finds very hard indeed. I spend a lot of effort reassuring DP that DS does love him and will come round, and I'm shocked that your DH would say that to you - I think you need to talk to him and tell him you need to act as a team and support each other because this isn't easy.

With the toddler tantrums, it's very hard but you just have to take a step back. Without laughing at DS in a nasty way, try to see it as more of an amusing thing - just how contrary can he be, just how many times can he change his mind - and just accept that that's what toddlers are like.

I agree that you have to be firm and consistent - but at the same time let it go if it doesn't matter. Eg I will not let DS keep having more and more different foods every mealtime, boss me about, refuse to get in his buggy etc. I just say no, make him do what I want and weather the tantrum and try not to get cross myself. The more you do this, the less bad the tantrums get because thy no there's not much point. BUT if he wants to wear his wellies or his pyjama top, if he wants to climb on railings or whatever, I say yes and make it fun, so that he can feel like he wins sometimes.

Your DS doesn't "know" what he's doing - not in a sinister or sneaky way. He's just trying out everything to see what works. If having a tantrum works, then he'll keep doing it. Toddlers have very little power and control, and they want power and control. If he works out that there's something he can do that upsets you, he'll do it not because he wants to hurt you but just because it feels good to know he can make something happen. Stay calm, and help him to find ways he can make things happen - eg helping you do the shopping, pressing buttons on lifts etc - and thirdly have a word with DH because he's not helping.

But he often screams for a book that is just by his bed. He wants me to come and give it to him. Then he'll throw it down and start screaming again. He wants to know that I am at his beck and call. I don't think he has a problem with decision making.

This morning we went to softplay and had a good time together. Then we went to the cafe and had juice and a flapjack and a big chat. Then we played in the car - he likes to touch all the buttons. This is just a typical morning where we have fun and a good time together. We spend a lot of time together having fun. But five or six times a day at least, he goes bonkers.

Also, he's been actively preferring his father since he was five months old. He would only be comforted by him, fed by him when he was around. It's quite a determined active choice and it's been this way for a long time. We get lots of comments from visitors and from MIL who sees it as something to be triumphant about. Makes me feel even worse as a bad parent.

I think the preference will pass. However, I do understand as I have been there and it was terrible. I have been through this and had no connection with my son for some time.

Do not let DS see that his preference upsets you. I had to say to DS everytime he said that he loved dh and not me "that's OK, I love you loads and always will".

I found that I disliked him and felt a complete failure as a parent becuause of my feelings and our relationship. I was ashamed for other people to witness what I perceived as my complete failure.

I eventually decided that I had to "act" the part of the mother I would have liked to have been rather than the one I felt I was. I acted great patience and great affection and suppressed the dislike. Things improved and I found that I no longer had to act the part much of the time.

I will not lie and say that everything is rosy in our family garden now, however they are immeasurably better. I cannot pinpoint exactly when the change started to happen, but after almost 2 years of daddyism my son began to tell me he loved me all the time and come to me when he was hurt. I am now proud for people to see the bond I have with my son.

Best advice I have is to pretend that things are the way you would like them to be and act accordingly.

Blimey, it's really not DS who's the problem here Milk, but I think you're lacking support from DH and MIL too by the sound of it. Toddlers do often show a preference for someone but it does not say anything about you or your parenting, and it won't be for ever. The fact that he tries to get your attention in that way, though it's maddening, shows he does want you and is reaching out to you. Plus your description of your fun day with him sounds great and if he loses it 5 or 6 times a day - well I'm sorry not to have better news for you but I think that sounds as if you're doing fantastically well!

The book thing - that sounds like my DS when he's tired and doesn't really know what he wants - and what he actually wants is just reassurance. I'd get his favourite cuddly toy, give him a big hug and tell him in a friendly, jokey way that I bet he can get the book himself. If he refused I'd make th cuddly toy go and get it and say "Oh no, cow's going to get there before you". Then 9 times out of 10 he'd grab it. I know they're not all the same but a bit of reverse psychology and joking around helps DS snap out of it when he's like this, plus a lot of affection.

I think it must be very confusing being 2 - they want independence and control, but everything is overwhelming and they can't control their feelings at all. It is hard work handling it and I think you sound like a great mum.

Actually MilkMonitor, I was just remembering when DS2 wouldn't let DH do anything for him and he HAD to have me. It is actually bloody tiring and sometimes I would have given anything for DH to take him away but DS2 wasn't having it. Enjoy the fact that you can share the responsibility sometimes and use it as an opportunity to do something for yourself and leave DH in charge.

DS2 is now more even handed with his favours although sometimes he still insists I get him ready for bed rather than his father. Your situation won't always be like this and it sounds like when it is just the 2 of you you have great fun together so you must have a bond there somewhere. Probably somebody esle has said it but I will say it again but children behave the worst with those they love and trust the most because they know that that person will put up with them not matter what.

How well does he speak by the way? You could well find that when he is able to communicate better things start to settle down.

milk dont worry too much about it.............think that dh needs to be more supportive to u on this situation.i had the same problems with dd when she was this age.she just defied everything i wantedd her to do and all she did was try and dictate everything and everyone.I actually found that the terrible 2s where a breeze compared to what she was like when she hit 3 years old.she has always preffered dp to me because he lets her walk all over him and i wont entertain her when shes playing up.You are doing the right thing and ds is just trying to play u and dh against each other...............FORM A UNITED FRONT