I’m going to try & make this brief however apologies if it turns into an essay!
Firstly, I don’t want this to sound like an attack on my ex especially as she is not here to defend herself but I feel I need to say things as I see they are.
I separated from my 12 year old son’s mother in 2012. We were not married but we had been together for 10 years. We grow apart & after the birth of my son I discovered that our parenting skills didn’t match. She constantly went against me when I was trying to instil boundaries & good behaviour in our son. She gave into him to much & this has come to haunt her now.
I moved into a 1 bed flat & I had my son for a few hours 2 days per week & over night on a Saturday. I rarely missed any time with him as I wanted to keep the bond we had. Because I lived with his mother & I was working while she was unemployed, we decided that I would continue to pay all the utility bills as part of the maintenance agreement which I still do to this day. The amount I paid was based on me having him 1 to 2 days & calculated on the .Gov website. His mum & I kept everything amicable even though things had gone on that I found hard to forgive her for.
Fast forward to the current day. My son’s behaviour when he is at is mums is terrible or at least I keep getting told by his mum’s family. They are constantly messaging me telling me how bad my son is & he won’t listen to her. I keep having to remind them that this may have something to do with how is has been brought up. One major issue is that he still sleeps with his mum at 12 years old. She would constantly tell him of her whereabouts when he was with me which I explained to her was probably not the best idea. She would carry him around to school until he was around 5 years of age I think & would kiss the school window reassure him when she had dropped him off. The big issue now is that she has started dating someone & basically done it in a way which I don’t agree with. She went from been overly attached to my son to pushing him out. The guy who she is seeing is unemployed, 19 years younger than her & I am told he is a recovering heroin addict. She was allowing this guy to come & go when he liked & my son was getting distressed. It’s only been about 8 weeks now & she was telling my son to hug him & he didn’t want to as he felt uncomfortable. This guy has no kids & lives with his mum. He has been telling my son he loves his mum & just stuff that makes me feel uncomfortable not to mention the heroin situation.
This is all without mentioning his mum’s behaviour. I strongly suspect that there’s substance abuse going on when my son stays with me. She shouts at him without listening to him. She lies at any opportunity to him & he has started to realise this. She threatens him with living with me if he misbehaves. She claims universal credit, housing benefit & I pay all the utility bills, but she still asks to borrow money from me. Plus, she has her brother lodging upstairs which I assume would void her benefit entitlements. I pay for his hair cutting, trainers, holidays, mobile phone & most of his school uniform each term. She rarely buys him clothes & when it’s his birthday or Christmas she transfers money to me & asks me to buy his gifts. On his 12th birthday I had to get him a birthday card for her because she said she couldn’t get to the shops. I have been too oft with her which I am aware of. I changed my hours from 8 to 4 to 9 to 5 when he moved to high school so I could take him to school each morning. He goes to my school each night as I moved to a new house so that I would be closer to his school.
Because she was finding his behaviour difficult, I increased he time he stays with me to 4 nights, but I still pay the same amount of maintenance. When I lived in my one bed flat, he did sleep with me on the one night I had him. Since I moved in November 2018 he has started sleeping in his own bed at mine but when he stays with his mum he is back in her bed if boyfriend isn’t staying.
Only last night I had my ex’s mum phone me up telling me how bad my sons’ behaviour is. I had to politely point out that his behaviour may have something to d with his dysfunctional & toxic home life. She agreed sort of. I also pointed out that her daughter’s new boyfriend is apparently in drugs. Her reply was that he is on methadone so not actually on heroin & he’s been clean for 2 years plus everyone has a past. I said that doesn’t mean its appropriate for him to be around my son.
The whole thing is getting to me now. I am getting bombarded by my ex’s family complaining about my son’s behaviour without acknowledging my ex’s behaviour. I am concerned about my son’s emotional & mental health. She tells my son that she is taking him to the doctors because he is mental when he misbehaves. She tells him that he is making her poorly & that she feels like f**king off 7 moving away. She used to say similar things to me when I lived there to the point, I did actually think I was losing my mind due to the lying & gaslighting.
I have no idea what to do. I spoke to my step daughter which is my ex’s daughter who I helped bring up since she was 7 & is now 25. She said she can’t understand why her mum is behaving like this & if I went for full custody, I would get it due to the things that go on in that house. I was thinking of trying to talk to my ex about having my son more nights, but I would have to reduce the maintenance this would then mean she would probably have to move home as she wouldn’t be able to afford the bills. Plus, if I went for full custody, I think this would upset my son even though he appears to be unhappy there. Currently her boyfriend will not go around to the house because he is not liked by my ex’s family & I think he has been threatened. However, I can see this changing & god knows what will happen then. I reckon she will move him in & then my so will be even more distressed. She has already been asking my son to give this guy another chance which I don’t agree with her asking a 12 year old this. I am also afraid that if I start any legal things or confront her that she will stop me seeing my son & then I am just putting him into a situation & environment that I don’t want him to be in.
Any advice please?