Parenting books (toddlers)

[MeadowHay]

Hi, my DD is 13 months, she is our first. DH and I had vastly different upbringings, his mostly negative unfortunately, mine mostly positive although there are some parts that I definitely don't want to replicate with my DC. We have had a challenging time, struggled to adjust to parenting as DD is a crier and screamed most of the time for the first 7 months of her life, and still a lot thereafter (still a fair bit now), lots of contact with HCPs etc, possible asthma. Her review was at 10 months and HV concluded her communication was a bit behind. She can't say any words yet apart from she says "uh oh" if she drops something and "ahhhhhh" if she sees an animal, or gives someone or a teddy a cuddle. She is nowhere near walking, she's a bum shuffler and has never crawled. She has also started sort of having tantrums over the last few weeks if we take her away from something she wants to play with or take something off her etc.

I feel like I know nothing about how to parent her at the moment. From everything as to how to scope with her hysterics every time I change her nappy, to whether she's eating too much food as she seems to eat A LOT just very suddenly over the last month or so, to whether I should be starting to teach 'no' or just let her be....I have no idea what I'm doing! Some of my family have now started calling her spoilt and saying she is spoilt, particularly when she's crying a lot and we don't know the reason, or if she has a tantrum.

Does anyone have any recommendations for parenting or child development books that might be able to help me feel a bit more informed and decide how best to help her?

I really like Elizabeth Pantley.

Sorry no recommendations but I have a 16 month and I feel your pain !
We have strops constantly and its hard work.
She is not spoilt she's just learning about the big scary world , i started saying no to potentially dangerous things my little one was doing around his first birthday and it has finally sunk in and he knows to leave things alone ( but prepared for strops )

I have Pantley's No Cry Sleep Solution that I bought optimistically when DD was around 4/5 month old, I did like it but didn't put much of it into use in the end but didn't really feel the need to. I'm not sure her books would suit atm though as they're all very subject specific, there is a discipline one but I'm not sure 1 is the right age for 'discipline'? And she's not really a fussy eater other than not eating green vegetables. If anything I'm worried she doesn't know her own satiety responses now.

I would recommend Janet Lansbury.
I also generally believe in parenting as you mean to in the future from the start. Both my kids have heard the word ‘no’ from birth. Not in an aggressive way but sometimes I have to say ‘no’ and ‘wait’ to them and it does them no harm.
With tantrums you use a mix of techniques:

• eliminate immediate causes like hunger and tiredness. In those cases, distraction and comfort are the way forward.
• if it’s a ‘I want this and I can’t have it’ tantrum, I acknowledge the feeling ‘yes you want it but we can’t have what we want and shouting at me won’t change my mind.’ And offer an alternate activity. If she rejects it then you just let it be for a while, offer kisses and cuddles but sometimes kids need to work through their tantrums as well. The constant distraction and offering of alternatives irritates them more.

And when the event is over you can offer an explanation at a calmer time- we don’t do x because of y. Last piece of advice is to keep rules simple. We have ‘no hitting’ (which includes kicking) and ‘no throwing’. When either of my kid breaks these rules or has broken them (the 7 year old doesn’t really need disciplining) I offer one warning and then just remove and sit with them at a distance (not a naughty corner per se). Normally this results in hysteria so I repeat ‘we don’t do X’ and just sit with them till the hysteria passes. Then I remind them that they did X and that’s not part of our family rules, lots of hugs and move on. Sometimes you have to do this a dozen times a day and sometimes not at all. I don’t use it as punishment but more as a ‘let’s take ourselves away from this before this escalates’ moment to somewhere else while reminding them of the overall rules.

When they are a little older I add ‘no screaming’ to the rules. I tell them they can be sad and upset and cry, but once they can speak in full sentences they need to stop screaming and shouting to get their way. But that’s post 2-2.5 depending on verbal skills.

See I always enforce ‘discipline’ right from the start. If the little one was pulling his brother’s hair as a baby (or mine with the first one) I would say ‘no we don’t do that, it hurts.’ To me, that’s discipline. And you can slowly expand the repertoire of that. Overall I think kids need to learn that sometimes ‘no’ is a ‘no’ and it’s okay to be upset but one is going to get one’s way. It’s a tough lesson to learn in life and I always offer sympathy ‘yes I know you want to stay in the park but we need to go home. I know it’s not easy to say bye bye to the park and it makes you sad but we have to leave.’ Pause and let it sink in that you empathise with their predicament. Then you can tackle the behaviour arising from it. “You have a choice, you can say bye bye to the park and then get in the buggy or if you keep shouting I will have to put you in the buggy.” And always always follow through.

With food, by age 1 I started saying ‘we either keep it on the plate or put it in our mouth.’ And repeat and don’t give too much attention to the bad behaviour. If they throw food for attention past 18 months, I would remove from the high chair, sit down with them and say ‘no throwing’ is a rule. We don’t throw food. We are not going to go back to the chair till you can remember that okay? Cue hysteria. Offer hugs but don’t over do it, let them calm down. Repeat the rule that we don’t throw food and that it’s on the plate or in your mouth, and back to eating as if nothing happened.

Other tips: offer limited choices but offer choices. But remember when they are tired and stressed and hungry they do want adults to make choices for them (we all do!) and being forced to make choices can tip them over the edge.

*not going to get one’s way.

Sorry didn't remember the title before. It's "hidden messages" by Pantley and it's all about successful communication with your child. I found it very useful generally.

This is confusing me even more. My daughter would have no idea what I'm on about if I talk to her like some of the things people have said :S I obviously do talk to her and I will inevitably be saying stuff sometimes like 'no, don't pull mummy's hair, it hurts' but tbh she hardly ever does anyway. I can't think of many situations I would say things like that to her because generally I just distract if she's having a tantrum, or enlist the help of her dummy if necessary. But if she can't understand I'm not sure how that would change her behaviour, plus I really don't believe a 1 year old has any impulse control? I'm sure I read that they don't, so how can you discipline them if they literally can't control their emotions/actions at all?

I think you are underestimating your daughter. Children understand far far far more than they let on, long before they have speech. Try it and see.
And they don’t have impulse control but it doesn’t mean you can’t teach them to control it. They won’t be able to control it NOW but they will be able to control it at some later stage but if no one teaches them now, it will be harder to learn later. Does that make any sense? (It does in my head but it’s late at night).

Same with nappy changing. Talk to her. Think of it from her perspective. She’s having fun. You grab her, lie her down, lift her legs in the air and strip her without much warning and even apply a cold cloth to it. Anyone would protest. Now she may continue to protest but give her some warning and talk her through it. ‘We are going to change your nappy okay? I am going to lie you down, and up go your legs, and the nappy comes off. Bye bye nappy. Here’s your new nappy. Say hi new nappy. Nappy goes on.’ I mean you may not have the patience to do this for every nappy change but in general this patter of words and some tuneless singing along with it worked with both of mine.

I also always talk them through what we are going to do. We are going to an ‘eating place’ (restaurant). I will take crayons/teddy/sticker book for you. I don’t want you to shout in the high chair or throw food. Okay?’ And lots and lots of praise every step of the way. I signpost for my toddler even now. ‘We are going to get up, go to the toilet, change our clothes and eat some toast. Okay?’ Even though that’s what we do every single day, signposting it eliminates that sense of surprise. After all, again from their perspective they have absolutely no control over their life. They have no idea where you are taking them, how long it will take, who they are meeting, what they are supposed to do when they get there. Add in the fact that she’s at a non verbal stage, imagine how confusing the world must feel for her.

Btw I have two sons with asthma, one who was in NICU for months and was for a while developmentally behind so my kids are not massively advanced.

Oh getting dressed is another one. I always show them what they are wearing and say ‘now it goes over your head, pop. Right hand. Left hand. All done.’ Again eliminates that sense of surprise when their vision is blocked by something going over their head. You might get protests but it will decrease over time.

We got a 0 on our communication score at the 10 month check! My DS wasn't making anything resembling a normal sound! They develop at their own time. The tantrums are all part and parcel I'm afraid - I just try to remind myself that they don't understand the world or why we want them to do things and have no way to express themselves sensibly. We sat no, and explain why it's not right, he doesn't really understand but it's good practice for us for when he's older.

With food, they can self regulate until about 2 I think. I found mine (18mo) goes through stages where he eats massive meals and I'm raiding the cupboards for more food and others where he nibbles on an oatcake and that's it for the day.

I already do that with nappy changes and cloths changing and it doesn't seem to make any difference, being doing it for months and the changing is getting worse over time rather than better. For example when I move her near to the mat I do always say like 'time to change your nappy' and before I lay her on it I will say like 'lay down now please' and stuff but as soon as she sees the mat, she knows she's about to be changed anyway and kicks off writhing and screaming before I've even laid her down :(

Sorry I really hope people don't think I'm just ignoring what people are saying, I'm not and I do totally understand the rationale for explaining things and I do tend to do that but I haven't seen it help anything. Is it just a case of continuing and it will help as she gets older?

Re communication, I'm not sure how she's doing now compared to her peers as she's 13 months now. She says "uh oh" when she's dropped something, and "ahhhhh" if she sees an animal or if she is cuddling someone or a teddy. But she also claps, waves, passes/brings things to people, points (altho more like reaching, it's with whole hand), babbles and a bit more like sounding like speech with different intonations now too, she also uses her gaze to communicate or reaches her arms out for things like if she wants her water at a meal time she will either each her arms out towards it or 'point' with one arm, and/or make a noise like 'aba!' or she will just look at it and make a noise. I feel like her communication seems fine to me apart from not having more words yet but they're all different, I think the only concern we have though is that she doesn't say mama or dada specifically yet? The HV said if she hasnt done either by 18m then we need to take her to the GP. But obviously that's awhile away yet.