Advice on setting boundaries for a 1 year old

[AnnaGJ]

Our son is just over 1 year old, and my husband and I have started to have a recurring differrence of opinion on how/whether we should start to give him boundaries.

My husband is in favour of telling our son off when he plays with his food, throws food on the floor, or tips water out of his cup.

I'm not sure it's helpful to tell him off at this stage, as he's only recently started to do these things out of curiosity. He loves to pour a little water onto his highchair tray and splash his hands in it.

I don't know how much he understands - I'm not sure we can really explain to him why he shouldn't do these things yet.
When the little one drops food my husband tends to say something like 'No, naughty' in a stern voice. It doesn't stop him throwing the food!
When I'm my own with our son I just jet him make a mess with food and water - we have a mat on the floor and most mess can be cleaned up.

I just wonder if I'm being too lenient? I don't want to argue with my husband as we don't usually argue at all, but we seem to have very different approaches to discipline! I'd love for us to be able to reach a middle ground and take a consistent approach, but at the same time I can't bear to be someone who is always just shouting 'no' at their kids as it seems so negative and maybe counter productive - I'd rather save 'no' for things that endanger him or others, or are important in some other way (e.g. throwing something valuable), rather than just inconvenient.

Any advice/experience is appreciated! Thanks!

Your husband is mental. Your ds is a BABY he will be stunting his learning by not allowing him to do anything of those things. That is how babies learn, touch, feel, exploring.

Tbh if your husband doesn’t pack it in I’d be seriously considering leaving him. He’s going to give your little son an awful childhood behaving like he’s always being naughty when he’s just being a baby. What a knob.

At that age (and for a while!) he’s just going to learn that throwing things on the floor makes daddy pay attention (which he wants) and make strange noises that sound different to normal (which is interesting).

Telling him off is counter-productive, it actually makes him more likely to keep doing it.

Try reading some Janet Lansbury on toddler behaviour and showing your husband? She has a useful website.

Your husband wants to discipline a baby

What the actual fuck

I think you’re right, personally I wouldnt be bothered about things like exploring textures, and experimenting (even though the mess is annoying) I think actual behaviours like pushing pulling or hitting need to be addressed and that’s around 2 but may start earlier.

My friends son when through an annoying phrase of opening and shutting doors and his dad told him off. It was clear he was just so happy he could do it. Babies and young children are copying and trying to learn from us. It’s so important we don’t tell them off and punish them while they’re trying to learn. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I’d try and get on the same page with him, as in what is bad behaviour and what’s just his development. The go from there. My dd is nearly 8 months so I have more of this too come 😂

Babies can’t control their impulses until 18 months at the absolute earliest. Telling him off will just cause baby stress and sadness. Research baby development if you’re seriously interested and avoid random online commenters.

I think you need to buy a basic book on child development. It is very damaging for little children when their caregivers have unrealistic expectations of their ability to process/ understand. Ask your health visitor to recommend something.
Of course, your dh will have to accept that he needs to educate himself.

Maybe consider showing your husband the books “The Whole Brain Child” and “Unconditional Parenting”. This is developmentally normal behaviour and not intended to be “naughty”. At 1 no baby has a sense of “good” and “bad” behaviour. As PPs have said, chastising them is just going to be giving them a reaction and makes it into a game of “cause and effect”. If your husband continues with this approach, I fear he’s setting you up for a hard ride in the toddler years when this sort of thing will turn into an hour long power battle.

The best approach with throwing food on the floor is to be as disinterested as possible.

Incidentally, I was taught during my studies in developmental psychology, that unrealistic expectations due to ignorance of child development is a huge factor in what used to be called "non accidental injury".
I am not saying this is a possibility in your case, but it is something you need to be aware of. Your husband's behaviour is harmful, emotionally at least.

Thanks! I'll look some advice up (including Janet Lansbury) and look through it with my husband, as well as reading about baby development together.
I think I forget that I'm always looking things like this up while he never does...!

He doesn't mean to be hard on our son, but I think he's copying his own father in some ways, who is a very gentle but serious man, and speaks very seriously to the little one when he drops his food.

As this is our first child he perhaps thinks he's older than he is/doesn't understand the development process.

I probably made him seem like a nasty piece of work but he really isn't...!

I think if your child does something you (or one of you) don't like, you should ask yourself 2 main questions:

1. Why is he doing it?
2. Why don't I want him to do it?

Often there is no real answer to question 2, if you really think about it, and then you might not find it so bad anymore.
And if you think about question 1, you might be more relaxed about a subject.

Playing with food is a good and normal thing for a little child to do - they learn with as many senses involved as possible and touching food, feeling the texture, breaking it apart etc. is a part of eating and experiencing the food.
Throwing things is completely normal and healthy as well. They still have to figure out how the world works - laws of physics, like gravity, which we usually don't even think about at all, are completely new and fascinating for them .... as is everything else, because, obviously, they are new to this world. They need to test and experience, that is part of a healthy development.

However, that doesn't mean that you can't put boundaries into place. They don't need to be able to do their testing with anything they like. But telling off won't help at that age - give him alternatives instead! If he needs to throw things, he won't just stop. If you don't want him throwing food (which I understand - I didn't allow my kids to throw food on the floor on purpose either), you can firmly but friendly tell him "no", when he does it. Tell him the food is for eating. You can also make him pick it up again, which will increase his understanding of what you want (or rather not want) from him. If he continues, you can take the food out of his reach and tell him again it's for eating and he can have it back, if he wants to eat it.
But make sure he has the possibility to throw other things. Not necessarily while eating, but in general.

Say no is never great anyway. You need to tell them what behaviour you do want to see. At some point I started saying ‘Food stays on the highchair’ and ‘Gentle hands’ which gently stroking DD’s hand or arm. It’s always a good habit to tell them what you expect at the start of the situation so they know what is expected.

I can’t remember when I started doing this though.

We did BLW so I've dealt with a lot of food mess over the last year! We do a lot of "food stays on the highchair/table" and he has to "ask" (pointing and grunting!) for his water cup as he only drinks from an open cup. Throwing food gets ignored and I just re-offer what's thrown (clean floors, no pets) but repeat throwing or knocking over his cup is a clear sign he's not interested so we will finish the meal. We eat out a fair bit and I can't abide children chucking stuff around or not being able to sit properly so it's important for me that we have some sort of boundaries. I've got no issue with him covering himself in pasta sauce if he's enjoying it though!

I think it's really sad when people judge children by adult standards. As echoed above, he is still a baby. How can he be judged by standards he is not aware of, nor can cognitively comprehend?

My father was like this and it sucked a lot of fun and enjoyment out of most situations.

No you can’t discipline a baby. They are nowhere near being developmentally ready for that.

All you can really do is distract them when they are doing something you don’t like (such as throwing food) and don’t make a big deal of it so that it becomes a fun game for them.

at this age I'd be explaining in simple terms the behaviour I want to see - food on the high chair, and taking food/cup away when thrown a couple of times with no thank you. wipe the water and hands and say water is for drinking. do water play separately.