Help! 9 month old waking at 4.30am...

[EdemaRuh]

I am losing it.
For the past two weeks my 9 - nearly 10 - month old is waking for the day at around 4.30am. Sometimes 4am, latest 5am.
He usually wakes at around 2am for a feed and will go back down okay after that but then he’s awake and active from 4ish onwards.
I’ve tried holding off on giving him his morning breastfeed till 6am and I just sit with him in his dark nursery so he knows that it’s not playtime but neither of those things seem to have helped. We usually just rock and sing him to sleep for his naps and bedtime but that is not cutting it with him at 4am!
Any advice is welcome! I am willing to try anything. We did in fact try controlled crying last night to get him to go to sleep at bedtime instead of the usual rocking and singing but gave in at 6 minutes (after going in at 2 and 4 minute intervals) because he was a stressed, sweaty mess and we felt awful...
Please help!

Ok, so there's a sleep regression at about that time, so you may find that in a week or so, this stops happening and normal service is resumed.

If not, you need to review their naps and bedtime, as early waking can be symptomatic of overtiredness (because yes, babies are that unhelpful 🙄)

4am is the witching hour, because by that time they've usually had enough sleep to feel rested (even if it's not actually quite enough) so they don't see why on earth you're trying to get them back to sleep.

Sleep won't be fully sorted until they can sleep independently of you - so no rocking / singing / patting etc. There are lots of methods of sleep training that don't involve controlled crying (we could never do it either - our son reacts like yours.) look at Pick up Put Down and gradual retreat. And there are others which other people might be able to suggest. You can also start by slowly reducing the input you're giving, so cuddling instead of rocking for example.

It's brutal! We hit a massive regression at 18 months with our previously amazing sleeping son, who woke at 4.30 every day for 6 weeks and only napped for 45 mins a day. I was in tears about it. And he just snapped out of it one day thankfully.

It honestly won't be forever. But 9 months is a decent time for some gentle sleep training if you want to do it. But you need to decide a method, and stick to it for a couple of weeks before you know whether or not it's working.

And drink coffee
Your not alone!

Thank you for your helpful reply @sar302. It’s good knowing you’re not alone.

I don’t think it’s the sleep regression as he’s never been a great sleeper. He’s actually gone from having split nights (awake for 2 to 3 hours in the middle of the night, usually between 2am and 4am) to sleeping longer but then waking super early. Coffee has definitely been my best friend these past months!

We’ve recently got his naps sorted I think. He has two a day with each one being just over an hour usually so between two to three hours total nap time throughout the day. And he’s usually awake for 3 hours before we put him down.

I agree that we need to teach him how to fall asleep on his own but it’s HOW to do that which is the tricky bit! I’ll look into the pick up/put down and gradual retreat methods. Are there any books you’d recommend?

One thing I’m unsure about is when you sleep train, do you continue to use the method every time you want them to sleep (naps, bedtime, night wake ups) or just at bedtime?

There's a book called "no-cry sleep solutions" by elizabeth someone, which I've seen recommended on here many times. The pick up put down, is available on line I think.

The 'how' for us, was a very gradual approach, although he was a few months younger than yours. Basically less and less intervention to get to sleep over the course of 1.5 months. Bouncing became cuddling. Bum patting became just a hand on the bum for example. But I appreciate what works for one, never works for another!

Have a read around and see if anything appeals, and then just give it a go. My feeling was that whatever happened, it couldn't go any worse than seeing 4am every day!

Oh, and any approach you pick, you do it for every sleep - nap, bedtime, after night waking. Completely consistent.

Thanks for the further advice @sar302.

Last night ds decided that a 4.30 wake up wasn’t punishment enough and was awake for two hours between 2-4am and then awake again at 4.30am..!
We tried to get him to sleep by putting him in his cot and singing/patting but not holding him and we did manage to get him to sleep that way but it didn’t help him stay asleep. Also, he wouldn’t then go back to sleep using that method at the 2am wake up and it didn’t work this morning when I put him down for his nap either.

I’m beginning to despair and feel like I may never have a good night’s sleep again.