I don't know what to do anymore

[codenameduchess]

Dd is 4, and an absolute nightmare. I've reached the point where I don't want to be around her.

She screams, hits, punches, kicks, bites, throws herself around and flails about if she's even asked to do something simple. putting shoes on to go out can take 40 minutes.
She can be lovely, but flips so quickly over nothing I can't face taking her out because its embarrassing as she won't respond to anything and it can take an hour to calm her down.

about an hour and a half ago I asked if we could cut her toenails, they've needed to be done for a week and she's not wanted to but it's at the stage now where they can't be left any longer. They still aren't cut and she's been screaming nonstop at me the whole time, she's throwing herself over and attacking me. I've had to walk away and just sat in the garden crying (dh was there to keep an eye on her).

She doesn't respond to rewards, punishments, positive or negative reinforcement or any method we've tried. She just doesn't care, and it's worse when I'm around - she's barely any trouble for her grandma or nursery. I've found myself shouting at her more recently, I always try to stay calm and keep my voice level but it's just not always possible when she's screaming and punching me and i can't stop it.

It hasn't always been like this, she's had her moments and we've had phases where her behaviour has been bad but never this bad and to the point I just don't see a way out.

I'm 20 weeks pregnant with our second and honestly I don't know what I'll do when there's 2 of them. I can see her getting worse when there's a baby too.

What do I do?

GP?That doesn’t sound like normal behaviour.

Did all this start around about the time she found out you were having another baby?

Not really , it's been on and off since was about 2, rally escalated in the last month or so and she's known about the baby for around 2 months. I suppose it could be connected but she seems genuinely excited about having a baby brother or sister and doesn't seem to have understood that a baby means changes yet.

We're supposed to be meeting a friend of mine soon with her newborn, we live quite far apart so have planned to meet in a pub half way between us for lunch. Right now I don't want to go to the pub or my friends house in case dd kicks off.

I feel isolated, my mum says I'm exaggerating or it's my fault because dd is so much better behaved with her and I don't really have many friends with experience of 4 year olds. As dd is so much better away from me I don't think there is anything to be investigated (eg. SEN wouldn't be selective like this afaik) and it's something about being at home/me she hates.

It is not hate. I am sure that of that. My daughter was like this until I realised she was allergic to certain food colourings. I remember on one occasion leaving my friend and her daughter in one room and going in the kitchen for a quick cry. I didn't believe that food colouring was the cause at first. Another thing was bananas ( perhaps hence the phrase going bananas). I am not a food fanatic at all but certain foods do affect behaviour. That s may not be what is affecting your daughter but worth considering.

@Mammajay how did you discover the allergies? Was it one of those intolerance tests or process of elimination?

I found the book 'calmer, easier, happier parenting' great when ds1 was being particularly challenging. It is very much about having clear expectations, and clear and consistent consequences. Ds1 responded quite well when I got him to tell me what he should do and what would happen if he misbehaved. He also responded well to specific praise rather than general praise. I did find some of the book hard work to follow through but it general made me feel better and more in control.

No. First thing was someone asked me about crisps her son had at my house and I checked and they had artificial food colouring sunset yellow and some others. She said her son had been awake all night. I was very resistant to the idea that food colouring could cause problems. Now there is less food colouring but it is still in some sweets, crisps etc. My daughter takes after my husband in her reaction to certain foods. If he inadvertently eats food colouring in or bananas too late in the day, he can't sleep. The food still affects him but I assume it affects children much more because their bodies are smaller. I have heard some children are affected by something in cola drinks. No effect on my son at all.

Sorry, short answer is process of elimination.

My daughter is grown up now and definitely does not have adhd, but the aggressive behaviour as a child was definitely linked to food colouring. I just googled children and food colouring and food colouring adhd in children came up. Interesting reading IMO.

Sorry it's so hard..I have had these times with my 5 year old DS too.. It's interesting that it happens mainly at home, and not so much at nursery or with grandma.. You're right that, if it was something neurodevelopmental (Adhd, Autism) it would show up in several environments.. Some children do play up more at home with their main carer though, as it's a safe place to just 'let loose' after nursery etc.. So that could be a factor.. Also, just wondering if youve tried 'special time', 15-30 mins of unstructured, child led play each day, just the two of you? This can be really helpful for children who may be playing up due to anxiety (e.g anticipating the birth of a new sibling) . The book "No Drama Discipline' by Dan Siegel is also really good.

She gets one on one time with both of us, we both work full time so have always made sure that we spend time as a family and 1:1 with her. We do lots of playing with her leading, and have days out together, she does a few classes that she loves too so it's not like she's not being stimulated or getting attention from us.

What age did she start sleeping through the night?

@Mammajay 3, sleep has never been a strength with her. She didn't do more than 2 hours until well over a year!

This fits the pattern with my daughter. I was breastfeeding but assume that she was getting some of the colouring effects as I was eating crisps, sweets etc which had the colouring. Then her first baby minder gave her orange squash with colouring. I am not saying yours is the same problem but I would just avoid any artificial colours, coke and bananas to see. I couldn't find anything about bananas causing issues online, but I know for a fact it affects my husband, even banana cake ( he never eats banana stuff after 4pm so he can sleep). I have great empathy for you.

I'll try cutting things out and see if it helps, she doesn't eat a lot of foods with colourings but she does drink black currant squash and loves a banana. it should be easy enough to work out if it's any foods doing it, I've told dh we're starting a food diary today! At least it's something proactive to be doing.

Good luck. I will keep watching the thread to see how it goes for you.

My daughter would get hysterical if they started rolling the playmat at mothers and toddlers without her as she liked joining in and at home if we flushed the toilet ( she decided she liked doing that). She is a gorgeous adult daughter now. Whatever is causing your daughter's behaviour, it will get better!

Some medicines have colouring added e.g. Calpol ( which is why it is bright pink). If you Google you will see the list of colourings banned in some products but not apparently in Calpol. I know I have recently seen bright pink ibuprofen which had poinceau colouring ( so had to buy white ones for husband)/

We rarely give calpol (these days anyway, she seemed to get all her childhood illness out of the way in the same few months!). I'm thinking cutting out squash as a first step, its the only thing I can think she has regularly.

She might be tired. How much does she sleep and are you sure she’s asleep when you think she is?

Yes @Teddybear45 she sleeps a good 11 hours most nights, I can hear her snoring regularly and she shouts for me on the odd occasion she wakes up so confident she's asleep.

Snoring can be an indicator of a problem with the soft palate / tonsils in a child that age. My friend's daughter was diagnosed with sleep apnea recently.......which meant she wasn't sleeping deeply and was exhausted . Does she snore quite loudly ??

OP one thing stood out for me - that you asked if you could cut her toenails. You don’t need to ask. You are “ in charge” & if your DD’s toenails need cutting then you cut them. It sounds really tough for you. Kids need boundaries but it’s not always easy to set them. I am guilty of sometimes being a bit too soft with DD10 - think I am trying to compensate for her being adopted but it doesn’t do her any favours. Equally I don’t want to be a disciplinarian. It’s a fine line.

Have a google of Pathological Demand Avoidance Syndrome... xx

If she can be calm in some situations it’s unlikely that it’s an allergy, isn’t it?
Get her to file her toenails shorter herself.
It sounds like you’ve become a bit afraid of her and it’s all got out of hand. I would think about making things very simple with her and reduce choices. I bet she doesn’t really enjoy all the drama but just doesn’t know how to de-escalate once she gets going. I hope you find a solution for all of you.