AIBU to think that my DC just isn’t ready for nursery yet

[recreationalcalpol]

I have a ten month old DS. DH has been/will be a SAHD for his first year but needs to get back to work so we’ve been settling DS into nursery for the last 12 weeks. He goes one day a week for a full day. I can’t really afford any more nursery time whilst DH isn’t working.

DS seems to really struggle with nursery. Obviously drop off and pick up is emotional, but nursery say that he is generally upset for most of the day. He fluctuates from being okay to crying and needs to be held most of the time. I get all of this from DH though who doesn’t seem to ask many questions at pick up and has an uncritical faith in nursery as the ‘experts’. Nursery don’t seem particularly bothered that DS hasn’t settled yet.

I took DS swimming with some NCT friends today and he was dreadfully anxious when not held, even when just on the floor near me. He was tearful and upset the whole time (I think because the pool was noisy - as is nursery) and just wanted to sit on my knee and cuddle. Everyone else’s babies were confident, smiley and explorative, and they are all the same age if not younger than my DS. It really upsets me to think that DS would be that upset all day at nursery.

I wonder whether he’s just the kind of child that is not suited to a nursery environment? Has anyone else had a baby who really hates nursery? If so, what did you do to make your DC more resilient and confident?

I’m worried that we might need a full time nanny rather than nursery if this carries on.

I think to an extent what you’re describing is normal. Both of mine took about 3 months to settle at nursery.

But it’s really hard for them to settle with only one day a week. I would plan for your dh to ease back into work so you can increase his days.

Do you think two half days might be better than one full day?

2 half days would probably be better if you can't afford anymore hours. My dds nursery had a minimum of 2 days p/w because it's harder for them to settle if they are only there one day a week.

And thanks for the reply!

IME a CM environment was much better for my DC1. Nursery isn’t good for all DC.

10 months is peak separation anxiety time as well. They don’t realise you still exist if they can’t see you, so it panics them.

Swap to 2 half days rather than a full and see how he gets on.

Sounds like a child minder could be a better option? 9months is a classic separation anxiety stage and Id be upset at the thought of him upset all day too. Nothing wrong with exploring other options.

It’s hard. I think first babies are less used to children noise and then get a bit overwhelmed when in a nursery setting.

Nursery are offering two half days so might go for that and keep my fingers crossed!

I think one day is not a lot because they forget. My 3 year old has taken 8 weeks to settle into 3 days a week and we still get the odd tantrum.

I think it's because he's only doing one day. Personally I'd take him out until a couple of weeks before your dp starts a job.

Two half days sounds better. Settling in can be really hard on some kids. It’s up to you, but really I wouldn’t be ok with my kid being unhappy for a big chunk of the day if I had an alternative. Are childminders an option where you are? IF he is currently upset by noise/bustle then he will find nursery difficult. My DD is like this, she is nearly 3 and has been at her nursery most of the year, she is still absolutely exhausted by it and I’m sure it’s the noise.

I think 12 weeks with no improvement is a long time. I’m a childminder but have worked in various childcare settings over the years.

In this situation, some options could be to leave child care completely until dh is actually working and you can afford more sessions. Swap to a different type of childcare, eg a childminder, which would generally be a quieter environment, with less children and only the childminder for your child to get used to. Or, find the money from somewhere and increase your days so dc goes twice instead of once. It’s a really long gap for a child and little ones can really struggle to settle if they only do one day a week.
Nursery doesn’t suit all children, just as a childminder won’t suit everyone. It’s just about finding the correct one for you and your dc.